I need reassurance

Trigger Warning: please help! Had a kind of rough day after about a week of feeling decent. Question: I work in childcare, I have memories from before the ocd got bad of my eyes kind of naturally looking at butts. And sometimes, it would be kids butts. I kind of remember commenting on it in my head saying stuff like “wow that’s big for a child” or stuff related to that, and one time even a child came over to me and told brought me over to the monkey bars and told me that he could see a girls underwear, and I kind of looked before telling him it was rude to say that, it was kind of like my eyes were naturally attracted to it, kind of like a car accident I couldn’t look away. But I never thought of it again until the OCD started. I’ve never in my entire life pleasured myself to the thoughts of children, it’s never even crossed my mind until the OCD started, but I’m kind of convincing myself I am one. Ugh I’m so sick of this.

TW!! POCD Please help. I’ve been doing decent lately but just need support on something that has kept me stuck. I can’t tell if this is a real memory or not, but I’m pretty sure it is. Maybe distorted. But feels so real. And I’m terrified. Last year before my huge OCD spike. So before I even knew I had OCD. I remember being around kids at work, and this girl in a skirt was on a climber on the playground and I remember looking up and you could see her underwear. I remember staring for a minute, and it was kind of like a car accident, I couldn’t look away. I remember finally coming to my senses and saying I wonder what people would think if they knew I was doing this. After that, I completely forgot about it until my spike in October and I’ve been living in a prison of regret and guilt ever since. I sometimes see that child at work still and I get a rush of anxiety and guilt. I just don’t know how to move pass this, for this reason it gives my OCD proof that I am what I fear so much. Is it possible that I was experiencing intrusive thoughts then and just didn’t care enough or realize it. I’m so broken from this. I hate what I’m going through. I hate myself if this memory is real.

I have Real event ocd about things I did as a kid at 12/13. It’s killing me because it really happened but I feel like a different person now completely. my actions disgust me and it makes me feel like i don’t deserve to be alive. I constantly have flashbacks about the events and it sends me into a state of panic, I feel as if my younger self has traumatized my older self. i’m so scared that things I did make this true, i really am a bad person, even though i’m an adult now and would never never ever do that again. I’m so scared. All I want is to be a good person but I keep remembering gross things I did and now I feel like the biggest fraud to friends and family and everything good in my life.