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Your perspective on this helps me handle this better. Deep down I do agree that helpful adults like teachers, parents, guardians, and therapists should guide children and teenagers with their struggles to make it seem like they aren't alone. It's like there's another side of my mind that is saying no to all of this and calling me a despicable, horrible person still.. It's like another version of my inner voice is ridiculing me for trying to help this person. We first seen each other on a post on here that they left and they wanted help with dealing with their intrusive thoughts and OCD. I guess that one time I was just willing to help someone. I'm just worried that someone, much like my OCD will take this the wrong way and out me as a pedophile or a creepy person because of this. I hate it so much. I don't want to be that in any way. I don't ever want to be that.

@BigGyro09 Im really sorry that youre going through that. Those feelings are terrible, and make it very difficult to see the world around you as it is, with a clear set of eyes. I wish there was a way to maintain conversations on this app, I actually followed you a while back because it seemed like we were both going through similar things and that still appears to be the case when I see your new posts. If you ever want to find a way to communicate on another platform I'd be happy to, seems like we could both use some consistent support now and again.

@bowler5781 Yeah. Things have been rough for a very long time. I'm still trying though. I'm still trying to get the help I need and to get rid of this anxiety. Whenever I feel like I've overcame the thought, another one pops in. If it bothers me enough, it will stick like this one is doing right now. I had no idea you followed me at one point. This app could use a few updates with its user interface, like a dark mode. You aren't a minor are you? I know we already talked about all of this but I just can't deal with the anxiety of speaking to minors one on one.

@BigGyro09 Yes I'm an adult, so you don't have to worry about working that exposure just yet. And about the app, it seems like following more benefits the follower so they can see more posts of someone they relate with or who gives good advice. But the person getting followed doesn't seem to be aware and there's no way for people to communicate with each other besides replies which isn't super helpful.

@bowler5781 Okay. Thanks for letting me know. And I totally agree. I wish there were a way to keep in touch with the people you follow. I've met some genuinely amazing people on here and I don't see them a whole lot because they don't post too much, which is good for them because too much posting can work against them. I think OCD is now trying to get me to stay in "what if" worries with this topic. It's trying to say "what if you said something inappropriate to this person unrelated to OCD and your fears are true" and while that's really scary, I trust myself that I didn't. Regardless, I'm just trying to rely on the maybe, maybe not approach.

@BigGyro09 I found a message talking about how at the time I feel asexual in response to something they said about their sexuality and that feels absolutely disgusting to me. But I know I wasn't trying to get with this person but I just don't like it. I just hate that I've done this at the time.

@BigGyro09 That's what it does, and trying to give it that is never the answer, in part, because we can't, it's impossible. Even in a rare circumstance where you have every detail, it will tell you that you missed one, or that you're misremembering something. Maybe maybe not is our best shot, because we can convince it that it doesn't have power. I've dealt with very similar things where living without that certainty feels impossible. But it doesn't have to be, we just have to give ourselves a shot and see it through to tomorrow.

@bowler5781 I can try.. right now that genuinely feels impossible, but somehow it will improve? I'm just really scared right now. I'm scared that I messed up my entire life trying to help this person.

@BigGyro09 Fear can convince you of anything. Thoughts are incredibly powerful, and we often underestimate them. But we can always make the choice to exist with them, and not interact. I'm not sure if I've said this to you before, but my favorite strategy is the tiger in a cage approach. Make your thoughts into an object or thing, like a tiger, and put that into a cage. You yourself are wholly distinct from your thoughts, and you can observe them as they are. Don't interact with the thoughts, just exist and observe. It's been a huge help to me.

@bowler5781 The more I look through the chat, I'm finding messages that disturb me. It's whenever I mention my OCD related fears. Most of the time I'm trying to help them with their OCD related worries but there were times where I told them about my OCD worries. I hate this. I hate that I've done this. I've told them about addictions and things deep into my intrusive thoughts. I don't know how I can move on from this. I don't know how I can get my life back.

@bowler5781 I'm reading more and more into the chat and the topics sometimes did get disturbing and I'm freaking out so fucking badly. I really can't deal with this. I hate that I did this and I just wish I could take it back so much. My worst nightmare is coming true. I can't believe I did this. My fears are real. I can't believe this is not a dream. WHY DID I END UP DOING THIS I TRIED TO MAKE POINTS ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS BUT THEY JUST SEEM LIKE AWFUL TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS. I can't handle this. I really can't handle this anxiety. I feel like I'm a horrible human being.

@BigGyro09 You won't find answers in that chat. Digging through it won't help. Any person could tell you there's nothing wrong with it and you still won't believe them. But if you put it down, stop looking for answers and just sit with the fear, you may get closer to my feeling the need to believe it one way or the other.

@bowler5781 I'm losing it. I'm absolutely losing it. I would never want to mention things like this to someone underaged. I know that teenagers would still talk about things like that but still. I can't deal with this. This feels like a nightmare and that I'm supposed to wake up from it all. I can't believe this has happened and I'm just freaking out badly. It hasn't been this bad in a long time now. I feel like looking through this chat only proves that I've done something very terrible even though I thought I was just helping this person. I feel like I've ruined my entire life

@BigGyro09 If you can, make sure you're in a safe area, amd take a breath. Please stop looking at the chat, you're not in a clear thinking space and it's only hurting you. Do what you can to slow yourself down. Don't think about any thing one particular. Feel the earth beneath you, the air entering and exiting your lungs, cross your arms across your chest and fell yourself tug on your shoulders, whatever you can do to ground yourself.

@bowler5781 Don't you think this was absolutely wrong of me? There were inappropriate topics mentioned but not because I was trying to get with this person but it was in relation to points I was making about OCD. Between my struggles and theirs. I'm really trying to stay calm but it's really difficult. I can hardly slow down my breathing or do anything else. I just feel defeated today. I just can't help but feel like if people knew this outside of OCD I would be viewed as disgusting. I can't believe I did this to myself. I can't believe it. This isn't something I would do. Never. But it happened.

@bowler5781 I mentioned something related to my addiction about adult videos and I and know what point I was making but I just feel so disgusting for even mentioning that in the conversation. I DON'T KNOW WHY I WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE FAILED AND RUINED MY LIFE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I CAN'T CALM DOWN

@BigGyro09 I'm in no position to judge. I can't speak to it's rightness or wrongness, though it seems you know exactly how you feel about it. But you have to find yourself, and be separate from your thoughts in this moment. I saw you made another post, it seems like you're searching for reassurance and answers. But what if those answers, whatever they may be, good or bad, don't confirm it for you. What if after all that you still feel the same way, and that anyone trying to help is just making excuses for you, and that you don't deserve their grace? It's important to stop OCD at the source, it's really the only way. I recommend meditation, an app called Insight Timer had some great free options, and I think if you can sit through a guided meditation it may help you ease your emotions a bit.

@bowler5781 I'm completely spiraling so I'm just losing control over something I usually would have control over. I just can't believe this is a real thing that has happened. Right now it just feels like I need an answer, even if it means it will all come back later on. This is all just happening at full force. I can't believe I thought this was allowed. I don't know. I just don't know.

@BigGyro09 I know exactly how you feel, and I really am sorry to hear you're going through it. It's exhausting, terrifying, and Isolating. But you're not alone, and you don't have to go through it by yourself. Please find a way to give yourself a break from it, step outside for a breath of fresh air, close your eyes and just listen to the sound of your breathing, knowing that you're still alive and here in this moment, even if the moment isn't a good one. Please, please find a way to take care of yourself.

@bowler5781 The only way I could think of caring for myself is telling my therapist about this. Should I? I just hate OCD. I hate this so much. None of these bad things would have happened if it weren't for OCD or my stupid addiction. None of these bad things in my life would have went down. I just don't know how I can move past this. The "I was young" phrase doesn't fly I think because I was over the age of 18 and I will made such a horrible screw up like this. I feel like all of my progress has hit the bottom completely.

@BigGyro09 If youre comfortable telling your therapist I would do so. But thats what I'm saying, I could give you an answer right now and your therapist could, but this kind of thinking requires a 100% success rate, the moment someone comes along and tells you otherwise your whole world crumbles. Someone can tell you that you were over 18 so it doesn't matter, and I could tell you that the prefrontal cortex doesn't form until 25 so complex decision making isn't really a given at that age. What you are is a person who is deathly afraid and struggling, and you deserve compassion, effort and healing.

@bowler5781 So far that person telling me otherwise is no one else but my OCD. Everyone tells me that I shouldn't worry but I don't believe them. I don't know how they can see what I've written here and say that I'm fine. I want to share these things with my therapist but I'm just too embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I'm full of guilt and I beat myself up over these mistakes time and time again and it cripples my low self esteem. I really appreciate you trying to help me here but it feels like I don't deserve it right now

@BigGyro09 And it always will, unless you tell OCD it's wrong. Even if you don't believe it, you have to challenge it or nothing will change. Shame are guilt or OCD's greatest weapons, and it will use them to do anything in its power to prevent you from getting help and feeling better. But that does not mean it's right, and it doesn't mean that you are wrong for wanting it. I believe you deserve to get better, and heal from this pain. So do whatever you can to help yourself, because you should.

@bowler5781 I'm just hoping that I can be put under medication so this anxiety can leave me alone. It really feels like I'm a monster that belongs in a cell for all of this. I feel like a deviant.

@BigGyro09 If medication helps, seek it out, that's what my therapist suggested. But at the forefront of all this, you need to want to get better for yourself. Please take care of yourself, and find a way to give yourself some compassion and empathy.

@bowler5781 I've been given advice to look after myself more. My therapist has been giving me the tools to help treat myself better but my OCD just likes to throw that all out of the window and say no you don't deserve to get better and you will suffer for the rest of your life. Deep down I know I don't want to deal with this anymore. I just want to accept the OCD but at the same time not let it bother me. I really hope I can get over this..

@BigGyro09 I think you can, because right there you admitted that you want to. Believe it, that's the seed for your growth. Care for it, and let it take you to a place of healing and peace. You got this.

@bowler5781 I think I'm beginning to calm down. I still don't feel fully okay but I think I'm doing better than I was moments ago. I just want to go back to my life before OCD. I just hope medication works and despite all of these things that have happened to me, I can no longer feel anxiety. Thank you. You being here helps. Even if it feels like I really don't deserve this. It feels like I'm as bad as the s offenderd and my thoughts are saying I'm making excuses.

@BigGyro09 We all wish we could go back, and its sad to admit, but we can't. Accepting that is our first step on our healing journey. This is where we are now, and all we can do is move forward. I'm glad you're doing better now, sometimes all it takes is time to come down from the peak of the anxiety high.

@bowler5781 Sometimes I'm able to see through the OCD and just say that I helped this person but on the other hand I just can't. I just don't know if I'll get through this. I was told that if I just don't figure this out and put the intrusive thoughts beside with maybe maybe not, then I'll get through it but I feel like a horrible person if I do that. It feels like I'm just letting this go even if I may have potentially messed up really badly. I wish I could just tell my past self to actually stick to his boundaries and not go through with something like this.

@BigGyro09 It's always going to feel that way, but that doesn't mean it's right or wrong, and that you should or shouldn't do it. I think we've been brought up in a world where certainty is desired but unattainable, and now as we get older we grapple with what it's like living without that certainty. All you can do is be present in this moment, and the next one, and the next one, and give yourself the opportunity to keep moving forward.

@bowler5781 What am I supposed to do about this? Nothing? This just feels like another add on to the list of things I feel shame about and can't tell anyone else. No one except a therapist maybe.

@BigGyro09 It's a bit of a misnomer. By doing "nothing" like you say, you're taking steps that eliminate OCD's power over you. You remind it that thoughts and fears are not the same as the reality around us, and it allows you to differentiate yourself and the world around you from those thoughts and fears. You are absolutely allowed to process the shame and guilt you're feeling, and that is doing something, but lamenting in it and allowing it to define who you are and what your tomorrow looks like only tells OCD that it's right.

@bowler5781 That's the tricky part. These don't feel like thoughts and fears. These things really did happen and that alone amplifies the fear I'm feeling. Even if I've made it clear that I didn't want to go through with this and that I'm uncomfortable with this, for some reason, I will went with it. I didn't feel any anxiety at the time so is it fair to say I shouldn't be now? I just don't know.

@BigGyro09 Even with real events, it's our thoughts and fears in this present moment that make it OCD. And with OCD accuracy and realism fly out the window, so paying those thoughts and fears any mind is fruitless. I've had thoughts of "oh I don't remember being anxious or doubtful about my choices then so I should be fine", but even that is searching for certainty. Working with OCD truly feels mindless for a bit, it feels like you have to think and feel nothing. But that's just teaching yourself not to interact, tiger in a cage, look but don't touch. It's really hard, but really worth it.

@bowler5781 I think deep down I agree with what you're saying and can see this for myself but on the other hand OCD is just not letting me. The day I somehow conquer OCD is the day I get my life back. It's the day I can go back to who I was with no worries about anything. It's the day that I can love myself again. I just can't do that with OCD. I have to somehow put it in a cage and never open it back up. There's a part of me that says "You tried to help this person even if you may not have been in the best place with you OCD, but you tried to pass knowledge onto someone else" and the other part is like "you talked to a minor and you discussed very touchy things with them, you're disgusting, you're sick, this isn't your OCD". I just want my life back. I have so much doubt that I'll get it back

@BigGyro09 Progress isn't overnight, and Rome wasn't built in a day. It's a slow process, of teaching yourself your triggers and anxiety responses, learning to coexist with your triggers, to be mindful of how you engage with thoughts, and to be able to truly relinquish control. OCD will always be with us, in some shape or form, but that doesn't mean we can't take our lives back from it. I heard it somewhere that people with mental health struggles endure a particularly challenging battle. The enemy never dies, and is always aware of your strengths and weaknesses. They always come back stronger, and the only way to fight back is to become stronger yourself, and to reduce your weaknesses so that their power over you is reduced in turn. It's debilitating, frightening, and intimidating. But it is not impossible. So long as we continue to try and believe in ourselves, we are making progress. And it may be 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but that's still 1 step forward. Sorry for the cliche, but sometimes it helps to remind us that progress isn't linear, and that we are still allowed to struggle and falter, it makes us human.

I know. It feels like I need to seek reassurance because I can't for a second stand the possibility that I'm a pedophile. That is my biggest fear and I would hate for that to come true. I really really don't want to be that kind of person. I just worry that someone will get the wrong idea about this. I hate it.