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I'm having the hardest time right now with my own ruminating negative thoughts that may or may not possibly come true. I fear the worst and replay what that looks like in my head over and over. The best I can do is my best and wait for the horror to end. I want to cry, but can't. I'm scared and alone in my head. My anxiety is extreme. What should I do in the meantime while I'm going through this? How can I minimize or stop the way I'm feeling? Please, I need help.

I have a lot of thoughts about the universe, and they’re overwhelming—like being caught in a rip current, except it’s all inside my head. Most of the time, they’re about how small we are, how there really isn’t a “we” because our bodies aren’t truly ours—we’re just bacteria, cells, and microbes. The thoughts spiral, deeper and deeper, smaller and smaller, coiling until suddenly, I’m pulled under, drowning in a whirlpool. I’ve never felt like this before, and I’m convinced I’ve been faking it somehow. For the past few weeks, my OCD has been worse than it’s ever been in my 20 years of life. Or maybe I’m just more aware of it now. Has anyone else had their OCD suddenly get really bad? Does it ever end—if it even can? I’ve convinced myself that my intrusive thoughts aren’t actually intrusive, that my OCD is a choice, and that everything I do is intentional. As for compulsions, I don’t have the typical “If I don’t do ____ then ____ will happen” kind of thoughts. Instead, my brain simply commands, “Do ____,” and I always give in. It’s so loud in my head, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m an imposter. Like I don’t belong here—like my presence on this app is an intrusion, invalidating everyone else’s struggles just by downloading it and daring to post. If anyone feels that way, if you think I’m intruding, I’m sorry. I only came here because I have no one to share my diagnosis with. Pouring my thoughts out, hoping someone might understand, feels less suffocating than journaling. Journaling is like letting a wound fester—each word burying the thoughts deeper, leaving them to decay in silence, for nobody to ever read but myself.

Advice needed please: Has anybody ever been in a situation where something traumatic or heartbreaking was happening in their life and struggled with rumination? I know there is like a normal amount that you should process something and cry it out but I don’t know that it is conducive to anything to do that on and off for hours? Wouldn’t it at a certain point be considered unhelpful rumination? And if so how does one stop? Because I’m going through something so hurtful and confusing that I don’t know how to stop thinking about it and the usual distractions don’t work for very long. And idk how important this is but it just happened today so it’s very fresh which makes it even harder to not think about and “figure out” why x, y, z happened. Goodness, I’m sorry if I’m weird or a baby