Not surprised

I feel so defeated but I gave into my compulsion because I was having really bad silent panic attacks at work. And I decided to tell my boss the truth. He seemed very very chill about it and wasn’t upset but I’m still like ….. disappointed and concerned that I’m doing this the 3 week of my new job. I can’t be doing this. I need this job forreal. Has anyone else had the same experience?

I was doing so good, but over the past few months, the OCD has returned with a vengenace. I try to explain what I'm experiencing to my family, but they don't understand. I just need to hear that people get it and know that I can make it out the other end alive and in one piece I've had many themes over the years, but right now, scrupulocity is taking over my life. It takes the normal day-to-day things I do, and twists them into compulsions to feed the insatiable monster that tells me if I don't do enough, be perfect enough, that I'm not a good partner-- not a good person. I'm not working hard because it feels satisfying; I'm doing it because I feel lazy and worthless if I don't. Everything has been taken to an extreme. It's making getting in the way of eating and sleeping. I'm suffering, but I feel like I need to try and pretend that I'm fine (even though I'm terrible at hiding it) because I feel like my husband will think I'm crazy, whiny, and dramatic, and eventually, get tired of it and leave. I'm not asking for reassurance. I just want to not feel so alone.

Been doing amazing the last few days…then today boom…my ocd tried to pick a theme ..it will pass though…so I’m just gonna ride it out ..