I was hit with a particularly disturbing thought loop this morning. I am already feeling the intense urge to compulse. I am trying to work through it, but I just wanted to come on here and empathize with everyone. This stuff is seriously hell on earth and it makes me want to cry :’(
Cry, breathe, hang in there. I'm trying my best and feel like I'm failing. Logically nothing has changed but my illness tells me otherwise. Breathe...
@LolaLakeO I think it was just a stressful week too. My father has become ill. I feel so burned out with work. I accidentally sliced my hand on a kitchen knife and needed to get stitches. My sleep has been poor. I think all things considered, it makes sense that my OCD would erupt from stress. I hope things get better for you too ❤️ We’re in this together.
@ExpertParakeet Totally a combo of things! All of it elevates you. Similarly, I'm having imposter issues at work (that I've been in for 9 years), a bleeding nose that I went to ER for 3 days ago, and a parent that turns 90 next week and lives outside of the state. My father in-law is visiting next week so this nose bleed recovery is showing me down, making me frustrated, and making me lose energy and sleeping. Ugh!
@LolaLakeO It sounds like it’s similar for both of us right now! Worried about a parent + an injury + work stress + poor sleep. I am so sorry about your nose bleed! What caused that to happen? I sliced the hell out of my hand on a kitchen knife and needed to get stitches omg!
@ExpertParakeet Nose bleed intermittent for about 2 months, figured it was allergies and treated it as such. Tuesday it bled non stop for over an hour, stopped and restarted again another hour. I think it's blood pressure, elevated and untreated. I hate meds, if I can help it.
@ExpertParakeet Stitches? Wow, you must've cut yourself up good and deep. I'm sure you'll heal, heal from the inside too.
@LolaLakeO Thank you! It happened when I was trying to get the pit of an avocado out! Which I hear is a common kitchen injury. Be careful out there lol! I am so sorry to hear about your BP, I hope it gets better. I have difficulty with BP meds as well, but finally found that Candesartan works well for me. Maybe your BP will lower too once some OCD stress goes away ❤️
@ExpertParakeet Same boat parakeet... same boat! I found a free, no ad, no subscription mediation app this morning. I'm hoping to "ground" myself a few minutes a day. Like 3 minutes at a time, maybe once or twice, 2-3 days in a week.
@LolaLakeO That sounds awesome and super productive! Well wishes to you :-)❤️
Yeah is hard, i was feeling good in june and this week has been hard, just remember you are not alone
@Hopeful29 Solidarity ❤️ thanks. It’s really so debilitating. I hope you feel better soon too.
I know I am going a bit cuckoo because my period is coming up, but lately it feels like every intrusive thought I have, I *like* it. Like I genuinely feel like I like it, and then I immediately panic because I start checking. Mentally, emotionally, whatever it is. And I know that is a compulsion. I *know* that. But it feels so real that I cannot stop myself. Every single time I check, it still feels like I like the thought, and it is driving me absolutely insane. It is especially the POCD thoughts. They feel so real. I feel like something is going on mentally, like some kind of confusion or glitch, because I swear I was not like this before. I would have intrusive thoughts, and they would feel real, but not *this* real. And I do not even know if this is normal. I know OCD is **supposed** to feel convincing. That is the whole thing. But I have never experienced it to this extreme. I have never gotten the same thought so many times and still felt like, “Oh my God, I did enjoy it,” even after checking a million times. It is like no matter how many times I check, it feels like I liked it. Especially during intimacy :( and it is making me lose it. Then I start thinking, “Well, I am in distress, so maybe that is proof it is not actually me.” But right after, I am like, “What if I am only panicking because I care about what society thinks and not because I actually have morals?” And then I spiral again, wondering if maybe I just care about how I am seen rather than who I am. I am panicking so much no today. I had to take my Xanax today for the first time in two months, and I needed three separate doses. I really need some support right now.
I’ve tried living in the uncertainty today & kept myself busy but I can’t shake this feeling that I’m about to lose control & act on my thoughts. I keep feeling like I need to check in to see how I feel & keep my self safe & when I’m near my trigger it feels like I’m being pulled into doing it & feels like I want to but I’m not using compulsions. My thoughts feel like my own & feeling like I’ll be like this forever. Can someone relate or give advice 😩
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
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