My OCD story so far

I’ve had OCD since I can remember. I don’t know if there’s an argument about being born with OCD vs developing it. I can assure you, I was born with it. Some of my earliest memories are checking my mom’s tires after we had a flat, and worrying that I had ingested a harmful chemical. My first big manifestation was when my mom bought toilet bowl fresheners when I was about 5 that had the California cancer warning. I had a baby brother and I was obsessed with thinking he would eat them, get cancer, and die. I remember the anguish. I remember the not being able to sleep. It got so bad, and I was so worried, my mom threw them away and never got them again. I still shudder when I see that kind in the store. I also started, around the same time, checking if everyone was breathing. My mom, my dad, my brother, my grandma when I stayed with her. One night, I kept her awake all night because any time she went to sleep I was afraid she would stop breathing and die. On into my youth and adolescence, I began to experience panic attacks that came with episodes of derealization. I didn’t learn until later, in my 20s, that derealization was a form of OCD. My parents finally sought treatment for the panic attacks, but only from my pediatrician. I was put on medication at an early age. I don’t think therapy was even discussed. This was the late 90s and early 2000s. Most of the OCD themes in my adolescence were health or socially focused. I stopped always going to my mom for reassurance, and dealt with a lot of themes on my own. Things my family to this day still doesn’t know about. Nuclear war fears, HIV when I learned about it in school, fear I would curse while singing in church. All themes I dealt with on my own until they “ran out of steam”. The internet wasn’t what it is now. I didn’t even think of Googling what was going on. I thought it was something only I dealt with. A lot of times I was ashamed to tell my mom unless the anxiety got so bad and I had to. I felt like the things I “worried” about were embarrassing. I wasn’t told that (my mom was and still is so supportive) but I just compulsively felt it. In my early 20s, I had a panic attack that led to agoraphobia and being homebound, due to months of derealization. I quit college and my part time job. I was hopeless. This is where I first discovered Google and entertained the possibility of OCD. But because my family was low income at the time, and also treatment for OCD is nonexistent in my area, I visited my primary doctor for medication and rode it out at home. I coped by my wonderful now ex-boyfriend and my mom easing me back into life little by little. Slowly I was able to get a job again and even go back to school. Sadly, my troubles weren’t over. I had multiple episodes over various themes. Some getting me back into agoraphobic states for shorter periods. Some coming with derealization and some without. Most notably, relationship OCD with my boyfriend at the time and my mom (do I love them enough?), religious OCD (unforgivable sin due to deconstructing Baptist faith from childhood), somatic, and schizophrenia. I remember being in complete agony on a beach trip with my boyfriend because I couldn’t stop noticing my blinking. I faked it through the best I could, but I was a nervous wreck. This whole time, I still hadn’t been to therapy, because I was too afraid to tell anyone what I was experience due to how weird it was. Fast forward, the boyfriend leaves me. I have a breakdown the following fall, mostly derealization and some harm OCD for the first time, that I check myself into a crisis unit. I went to therapy for the first time there, and got set up with my local community mental health center. They were kind to me, but knew nothing about OCD. Wouldn’t even diagnose me. Meds were changed and I was diagnosed with anxiety. Another fast forward to 2018, I was dealing with another breakup and had a bad episode that resulted in me going to the ER. I was treated very poorly there. After that, I went back to the community mental health center (I had stopped as it wasn’t helping) and began taking medication seriously. The therapist still didn’t know anything about OCD, but I stayed consistent and tried to just talk to her about my issues. I also watched OCD content on YouTube at home and decided I’d self treat that part and go to therapy for support. Finally, in summer of 2019, I decided to private pay for therapy. I found a great therapist who was trauma focused. But, we connected and I trusted her. She really did help me a lot because I did have some trauma. This leads us to today. With 5 years of trauma therapy, and also a med combo that works for me (she referred me to a good psych NP), I am functional, haven’t had derealization longer than a normal panic attack (and that’s extremely rare) in 5 years. I learned coping skills and DBT which I do think have helped me in some aspects. I also did EMDR for my traumas. I genuinely don’t regret it. However, I’m outgrowing her. She does know I have OCD but isn’t well trained. She thinks it’s all due to trauma (I don’t have all that much) and I think I was born with it. I feel my trauma is resolved and I’m still not getting the relief I need. I have found myself at NOCD to connect with my next therapist and move away from my beloved trauma therapist. It’s just time. With my traumas resolved and in a place where I am functional, I see more nonjudgmentally how OCD is ingrained in my habits and everyday brain function, and is contributing to my baseline level of anxiety. It’s time to conquer the final boss. If you read this far, thank you, and I hope to be a help to you on your journey as well.

Username: j@j@

Date posted: 21w ago

Thank you for posting this.

Username: HeartMamaHeartMama

Date posted: 21w ago

Wow, you poor thing, I sorry that you have had such a long journey! I can connect with many of your themes and I hope that you are finally able to get the type of treatment that will help free you completely from the ocd binds. Congratulations on taking a very big leap towards a brighter future! It is tough, but the reward is worth it. I am part of the way through my journey here and have loved my therapist, I had a previous therapist who was ocd trained but does not use erp which was helpful to get me well enough to immerse in erp. I wish you well on your journey with erp and embracing the uncertain!

Username: Ready to work Ready to work

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21w ago

Congratulations on taking this step. I'm 49 and just got diagnosed with OCD a few months ago. I also remember being a child and having episodes but I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder. I thank God for NOCD. It truly is life changing.

Username: babyoda babyoda

Date posted: 16w ago

Thank you for sharing this, it means a lot

Username: polkzer

Date posted: 3y ago

How has everyone else's OCD progressed throughout their lives? Has everyone else always had severe OCD or did you live regular lives beforehand and encounter one point where it went from 0 to 100. Where are you now in your OCD Journey? I'm very curious as to everyone else's stories and have left mine below if you’d like to read it. From what I can remember, I went relatively undisturbed by OCD the majority of my middle/late childhood, only having about 1-3 thoughts a year that weren't super bothersome but did create a level of distress uncomparable to regular intrusive thoughts. They were mainly about my health and about my parents safety & wellbeing. The earliest memory about my OCD that really stood out was back in 5th Grade, when I hit my head on a swing set and immediately began reciting every moment leading up to injury as well as every math equation I knew to make sure my memory was still intact. The greater part of my adolescence was essentially the same and resembled what I believed to be a normal life, just with a couple of OCD thoughts sprinkled throughout it. I was able to function pretty well albeit depressed and somewhat anxious. It wasn't until I was close to my highschool graduation that I experienced the worst panic attack(at the time) at the idea that I would hurt my parents. It was so distressing because the thought felt so loud that I believed it was genuine which only caused more distress. I was so scared that I would act on the thought that I discarded all of my sharp objects and locked myself in my room. That was my first ever severe reaction I experienced due to OCD and was back in May of this year. I actually learned what OCD was the same night and realized that many of my newly found fears including mold growing in my walls and my parents disliking me were also caused by the OCD. Unfortunately learning that it was probably OCD wasn't enough to quell my fear and I engaged in a bunch of compulsions in the months to come, worsening my OCD In the process. June was alright. July was worse(I only had like three topics for obsessions which sounds great now). Late July-Early August was my tipping point . Things went from worse to profoundly terrible in a short period. I found this app late August which was great because I had grown exhausted. September was pretty bad but not as bad as August. Now it's October and life is somewhat good now. I've become more knowledgeable of OCD (big thanks to this app and my therapist) but I'm very far from done. There's still this looming sense of anxiety that follows me everywhere. I have like 20 obsessions now, some being larger and scarier than others but those smaller ones are still apparent. But, the fear has decreased as well as the mental compulsions that came with it. My mind is quieter now. However the anxiety has stayed the same. My heart still drops whenever my worst obsession is triggered. Headaches, brain fog, sweating, rapid heart rate, sense of being paralyzed, racing mind are commonplace in my life but I've learned to sit with the physical discomfort (not that it makes it any less terrifying). Anyways, I'm here now which is cool. I’d like to listen to others' experiences to get a better understanding of OCD and maybe feel a bit less alone. feel free to ask any questions.

"Pure" OCD

Username: NR2020

Date posted: 2y ago

Success story/motivation for ROCD

Hi everyone, I’ve been meaning to write this for some time now, but kept looking for the “right time”. I suffer from relationship OCD (ROCD). I met my current partner about 3 years ago. We immediately had a connection and there was something different about him compared to my prior relationships. However, I didn’t feel the butterflies. I didn’t feel like I was on top of the world. And that’s when it started: ROCD. From as early as our second date, I remember thinking “am I attracted to him?” “Am I just with him cuz he meets all the criteria?” “Do I even like him”. A few intrusive thoughts turned into constant rumination, crippling anxiety and most importantly, fear. I constantly obsessed about whether he was the one, whether I really liked him, etc. I lost my appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I started going to talk therapy where I would feel some relief after my session which was followed by an even stronger wave of anxiety. I would seek reassurance from friend after friend, my mom, my brother. In fact, I even had a hierarchy in my head of which person I went to for reassurance based on the level of anxiety I was feeling. I contemplated breaking up numerous times. My therapist once told me “why don’t you just take a break from the relationship?” And I nearly passed out from the panic and anxiety (this therapist was evidently not OCD trained and never thought it was odd that for 6 months straight the only thing I ever talked about was my relationship and the “rightness” of it). I compulsively googled things like “how to know if someone is the one”. I even started taking medication. I truly had no idea what was going on. Mind you, I am a doctor, board certified in internal medicine. And I did everything I could to diagnose myself, but I was clearly unsuccessful. My MD was of no help. Then, I opened up to a friend of mine who suffers from OCD (a different theme) herself, and she put it together. She told me to stop compulsively googling all the things I already had been, but to google ROCD. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I felt a huge sense of relief. I was not crazy and most impotently, I wasn’t alone. I signed up for a therapist with NOCD. I started therapy with an OCD trained therapist (Taylor Newendorp, he’s amazing btw). I practiced ERP diligently. Did I have days when I fell back in the traps of ROCD? Heck yeah. At first I did ERP via intentional exercises I was given by my therapist. However, the most effective and HARDEST ERP is doing it with real life situations. You can write out scenarios and sit with the anxiety it causes all you want, but the true moments of ERP are when you are faced with a real life scenario and you feel that jolt of anxiety. For example, I had been doing intentional ERP exercises for several weeks and making progress. One day, when my partner and I were just watching TV, a character on the show we were watching said “true love just clicks. It doesn’t feel complicated or scary”. I immediately felt like I was going to throw up. I felt 10/10 anxiety and that I had to break up right then. I remember thinking that I had been working so hard then why do I still feel this anxiety? But in that moment, I took a step back and said to myself “yup. Maybe that’s true. Maybe not. Maybe I’m in not in love. Maybe I am” and then I continued watching the show. The anxiety stayed for a long, long time. But I did everything in my power to not give in and talk about it as I always did with my partner. Or start ruminating. I let it sit there and I let myself feel the anxiety. It sucked, ALOT. But over time as I did that over and over and over again with every real life situation, I got better at it. I got better at leaving the thought alone. I got better at not seeking reassurance, ruminating, googling, confessing, checking, comparing. Fast forward three years, I just got married 2 weeks ago to the same guy! The guy who I was convinced wasn’t the one. Did I ever “figure out” the answer to whether he WAS the one? Nope. And I’ll probably never know because there is literally no way to know that for sure. Did I get my answers to all the other million intrusive thoughts? Nope. Do I still have days with those thoughts? Yep, but they don’t bother me as much. Learning to manage my ROCD has been the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life and this is coming from someone who went to medical school and pronounces people dead very frequently. But I’m here to tell you that you can get through it. It is hard as hell, but it’s doable. I promise you that I felt every emotion, physical sensation and had every thought you may have had. But you can do it. I really didn’t think I would ever get out of it, but I did. And I’m so proud of myself for it. I will never know if my husband is “the one” based on some unknown number of factors, but he is the one that I choose for me. Today, our relationship is much stronger and deeper than it would have been had we not dealt with ROCD together. This experience has been so difficult, but ultimately I’m grateful for it as it has opened me up to a love I didn’t know could exist. To anyone who may need help/support, feel free to message me. I am in no way a therapist and cannot provide what those employed by NOCD do, but can definitely provide support and compassion. You are not alone. Please get help from a trained OCD specialist. OCD does not have to be a life sentence.

Relationship OCD

Username: skhmc3

Date posted: 1y ago

My OCD Story

Hey everyone! I’m new here and thought that it might help to get my OCD story off my chest. My intrusive thoughts are so bad that I never want to talk about them to anyone so maybe that’s why I’m here. When I was 13 my grandma was in the hospital. She was my best friend in the whole world. I imagined so much life with her. I remember pulling into the hospital one day with my Dad and immediately knocking on “wood” (the car door) to help put me at ease about my grandmas health before going in. I knocked on wood because everyone knows that’s what you do when you don’t want something to happen. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her so bad that all I could think about in that moment was something bad happening. So I knocked on wood. It made me feel better so I kept doing it whenever I had bad thoughts. But then it going confusing. If this was helping ease these thoughts, why was I starting to have these thoughts more frequently? 13 year old me didn’t understand what I was doing or why these bad thoughts started. It had got so bad that I was knocking on wood every second of the day, every surface I came across that felt right, and if I didn’t I would force myself to turn around and touch that surface. I would have to knock on wood 8 times every single time but the 7 would have two knocks because the word 7 have two syllables. But then the 8 times wouldn’t be enough, I still wouldn’t feel satisfied so I would do it again and again and again until my entire day was overpowered by intrusive thoughts or knocking on wood. My family and friends started to notice, asking why I do it. I would always avoid the question or make a joke out of it because I couldn’t tell them these terrible thoughts I was having. I was so deeply afraid of something bad happening to the people I love the most or myself that it was debilitating. A couple years later I noticed how bad it had gotten and wanted a change. So I forced myself to stop knocking. I would tell myself angrily that nothing bad would happen if I don’t knock. It took me a lot of convincing and small steps to realize this, but it worked. I got better. I went to the doctors office at about 15 and told them everything. How I did this but how I solved this. They told me it takes great mental strength to be able to fight something in your brain like that. I have always been so mentally strong but hearing them say that made me feel so much better. And I was better. For years. Yea I went through times when it was bad again but it was so much better. The past couple years it has gotten worse again. I noticed that it gets worse when my anxiety about things is higher. New changes, new people, new things. Now, at 21 I won’t let myself get back to the point I was when I was 13, but recently I can’t seem to keep the intrusive thoughts out. I am so terrified of myself or someone else getting hurt of getting older that I put the whole toll on myself. I am so so so happy with my life right now that I don’t want anything to change. That is why it’s been so bad recently. Life is amazing which is why I only want it to get better and I’m so scared something might get in the way of that. I realized after talking to my friends that I never want to say my intrusive thoughts out-loud because I believe strongly in speaking things into existence so I only speak good things out loud. That’s how I’ve always been. But when I talked with my friend she said she’s the opposite, she says the bad things out loud because then you jinx them and they won’t happen. Her saying that gave me a little peace because it made me realize that it’s okay to get these things off my chest and that saying these things out loud isn’t so serious, it’s not life or death like I thought it was. Honestly, the weight of getting my story off my chest has already helped me feel a little lighter of a load on myself.

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