Feeling like I'm abusive ...

I'm having a hard day with my OCD, which is weird because I was doing alright this morning. a new theme hit me. I realized I have my mom's habit of reacting with annoyance when asked for or about things. My brother asked me to stay in the kitchen with him while he made food (I have to watch him use the stove so he doesn't hurt himself and I usually babysit since my parents work). I got annoyed and told him fine and just to give me a second because I was laying down and I was really tired. I feel bad, I tend to do this sometimes. I don't even mean it, it just happens, especially because of my mental health making me exhausted and anxious all the time. I don't know what effect this could have on my brothers and I don't want them to grow up traumatized or something because of me. Especially because I think my mom doing it to me growing up might be why I'm so afraid to tell her things without feeling like a burden. I'm hating myself hard today. I feel like I deserve the bad mental health I have and that my brothers will grow up hating me. I'm struggling to focus on anything else.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Hi. I think you may be exhausted from the day to day struggles you have to go through with your mental health. It's understandable that you would want to just wind down because of all of the anxiety and worrying. Your OCD then decided to focus on something that you know you wouldn't want to be apart of. The last paragraph sounds like it came from your OCD instead of you. I'm sorry that these new worries keep on popping up. You were looking after your brother, even though you were mentally drained. That's okay. You're going through a lot. Before this though, have you been alright? You said you were doing okay this morning at least.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

Yeah ... I have bad fatigue from mental illness and some form of demand avoidance I'm pretty sure, so it makes it overly frustrating when I have to babysit when it really shouldn't be. I love my brother's and I don't mean to be snippy but it happens and I feel bad about it. I've been unmedicated for about a month, I've started a new med a week ago but it hasn't kicked in yet so I'm kind of just trying to hang in there. But my anxiety has been awful and ive been rough I'll be honest. How have you been yourself ..? Better I hope?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Northern_Downpour I understand. I've been having pretty bad fatigue from the intrusive thoughts as well. It can be really frustrating to have to do things when you just aren't prepared to handle them because you're focused on your intrusive thoughts and nothing else. I'm sorry your previous medication hasn't worked.. I hope this one works for you and that when you feel it, it will help! I haven't been the best, but I did have a pretty good day today. This comes in waves. I'm either doing really bad or not too bad. Never really on the great side. I think the issue is I'm always remembering my intrusive thoughts and when I'm not it's kind of like I'm free. But, I'm not exactly used to the intrusive thoughts not showing up. I'm still hung up on the event where I tried to help a 17 year old with OCD when I was 19. Didn't want to do that, they knew that, but I did it anyway, and I eventually stopped talking to them because I was just too uncomfortable and things felt repetitive. Same ol stuff on my end, though I'm trying to get started with medication. Hopefully it helps me because I feel I've got to a point where I can't really deal with the thoughts without them.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 I 100% get that. I've had days where I'm fine, not good but functional, and then I have days where I'm bad. I can't really remember the last time I've had a real good day, especially since my OCD got so much worse. Sometimes you really have to find joy in the little things. I'm glad you're having an alright day today though ♡ and I hope your meds work for you, too. OCD themes around POCD and other taboo stuff are genuienly the hardest, so I'm rooting for you. Unfortunately for people like us it's going to be hard to function without medication but I don't think that's a bad thing. It's not like we can really help it and I hate the stigma around that kind of thing.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Yeah. That's mostly how its been with OCD. My therapist especially knows that. It sucks. I remember one rare day where it felt like I didn't have OCD. All I know is that with meds and consistent recovery work, I think we'll be able to get our lives back. These themes are really hard to deal with. I've asked for reassurance so many times and I've been hit with so much anxiety that it's just too much to bear. I HATE the stigma around it too. People that aren't really invested in what meds are are just afraid of the side effects and that it's too much of a commitment to take them I guess. Or that it can be addictive. People would be prescribed medication for physical conditions and it wouldn't be a big deal but it's suddenly a big deal when it comes to mental health. Have you told your family about your OCD? What was that like? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I'm just trying to get my family to really understand what OCD is and how it's not just regular anxiety or random thoughts that go away.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

Yeah, exactly. And honestly the risk of meds is worth the reward. Going unmedicated is a nightmare, hell it's hard to deal with even WITH meds. So yeah. I wish people understood that. My mom has unmedicated OCD and she's that way about medication. She worried alot about me being medicated but I genuienly don't think I can survive without it. And no, honestly I don't talk a lot about my mental health with my family. My mom gets obsessions/worries around me and my brothers and I don't want to burden her or anyone else. She knows I have ocd and anxiety problems and she's only really seen the worst of it when I have breakdowns... yknow? Lol. I try to keep it to a minimum but that kinda leaves me to deal with it a lot on my own..

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Northern_Downpour I'm sorry that your mother goes through this as well. That's really hard. I'm assuming you have her support though and she has yours. I keep all of this to myself a lot too, so I'm glad I have therapy as an outlet to get all of that out. It's just such a hard thing to deal with and I just hope it doesn't get bad for the majority of my days. Sometimes it really does though. To the point where other people will notice at times or when I'm not enjoying the activities I always do. I'm really hoping medication will help me. As much as I want it to be the cure of my medication, it won't be sadly. I still have to do exposure work for it to truly go away. I don't really know how to do that though, but I have to bring it up to my therapist. I guess it's just natural for moms to worry about that kind of thing for the ones they care so much for. Especially if they aren't familiar with how medication works for mental health all the way through. I can't blame them because it just means they care. I've been feeling kind of avoidant with my OCD too. I just don't even want to deal with it and also hope it doesn't get too intense most of the time. That thing with the event I keep getting stuck on: I didn't have any kind of feelings for this person at all nor did I want any kind of relationship with them by any means. People say the age gap is normal though. I can't even wrap my head around that in some ways. The person I was talking to was also very close to 18. They eventually turned 18 around the time we stopped talking, but it will revs up my POCD either way. Even with all of the reassurance and moments where I can see past the obsessions.. they will come right back and I'm at square one. It sucks. You can talk about your OCD here though! We will all understand what you're trying to say and there will never be any judgement from us. :)

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 Yeah, me too. Therapy has been the one good thing I've had. I love my therapist, so much so I feel bad she has to have me as a client. Lol. But I'm just used to being the 'easy' kid as the oldest and the one that's always looking after the younger ones. So I kind of try to retain that .. Still. Very grateful for medication. It may not be the miracle cure but even if we do have to work hard for it, it'll hopefully be worth it. I'm so glad we have therapy to help us through it too. ♡ And for the record, 19 and 17 is a normal age gap, but even if it wasn't, like you said you weren't into them or anything. You did a good thing trying to help someone with their OCD. I also get those moments of post-obsession clarity lol. Those moments when you see your OCD theme isn't even worth ruminating over. And I think your OCD is definitely blowing this out of proportion. But regardless I love this place and I'm grateful for the community and you as well for giving me a safe space. So thank you ♡ and I really hope I can do the same for others here.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Northern_Downpour I'm so glad you have your therapist to help you out! They're such helpful, understanding, amazing people that take time to help us try to understand the things we are going through. I'm also glad you have medication that's helping you out. If you think about it, it really is something to have science advance so much to help us in so many different ways. I just wish there wasn't a stigma behind it all. Yeah, that's what everyone is saying about the age gap. I didn't know this person enough at all and even if I did I still wouldn't do something like that. It's just the things we spoke about in relation to OCD that really mess me up. We were talking about heavy topics in order for me to just help this person. There were times where I spoke about my OCD struggles in detail or other things about struggles that they really didn't need to know but it just came out in terms of struggles. It just makes me feel awful. There are times where I think about it and it doesn't give me as much anxiety and most other times it does. I haven't gotten those moments of clarity in a long time. I kinda miss them to be honest. It's like my true inner voice finally getting a chance to push the OCD down somewhere and telling me the truth but then it finds its way out again.

avantika 🪻

Date posted: 19w

Lost

I had like a really bad argument with my mom basically about her complaining about my “attitude” and “constant arrogance” like okay firstly 😭 yes i do have an attitude and am irritable but im not THAT bad 😭🙏 she was saying that im a “pest” and that “its not enjoyable to live with someone who makes other people miserable” like 😅🧍‍♀️ oh ☺️ and then i tell her that i know im struggling and that im going to therapy to try to get better and trying to possibly get a diagnosis and she says “your generation just wants something to deal with. You want something to be wrong with you. ‘Trying to get better’ isn’t good enough… would you be able to stand someone like yourself? You’re just choosing this antisocial, narcissistic behaviour and harass everyone… You need to pull yourself together. No matter how much effort we put into you, you will never be happy. You want some medicine? Some diagnosis? Because that will solve everything?” 😭😭😭 and the way she said “some medication”- she sounded so disgusted and appalled and now i feel ashamed… i mean im not officially diagnosed with ocd and it is never my intention to self diagnose- but im sorry its VERY obvious when you have ocd and know of ocd- its so distinct. Everything- the compulsions, reassurance, intrusive thoughts, themes, patterns, perfectionism- but she has me overthinking- what if i dont have ocd 😭 and ive just been lying to myself and everyone maybe its not ocd and im just sick in the head or trying to self sabotage- and especially when my supposed ocd is calm or not as loud i get so anxious “what if i dont have ocd…”

moon0270

Date posted: 18w

Makes me feel like a horrible person

That's what OCD feels like. Especially the constant questioning and doubt and the more you do it, the more you doubt yourself and it ends up leaving you open for other 'attacks'. I left the house today with my mom to run errands and things were fine, like my intrusive thoughts weren't bothering me that much in the beginning though they're constant in the background. Then when we stopped to get a drink from this store before leaving, I got more anxious because there were lots of kids around (it's afternoon here and i guess school was coming out). Kids were walking around in school uniform and I just told myself to keep looking away because i knew that my intrusive thoughts were going to flare up. Obviously that just made it worse and I just wanted to run away and crawl into a hole or something. Then a few minutes passed and then my brain said what if you were leering at the kids or looking at them inappropriately. And then my brain kept telling me that I wanted to or must have filmed one of them even though it's not something I want to do and know deep down that I didn't do it and don't want to. Ever. I just felt so disgusted with myself, I had to stop myself from crying on the way home. I hate this disease and I hate that its made its home in my head.

Anonymous

Date posted: 15w

I feel so humiliated

Yesterday I had a panic attack from OCD fears. I live alone, so in my panic I called my mum just to get some emotional support. It did not go well. I was asking for reassurnce to much and basically she got annoyed with me and started to chastise me. She said I was being ridiculous and accused me of just making up my symptoms to emotionally manipulate her. She even went as far as threatening to call the police on me to have me sectioned. I feel so humiliated. I know that I can be annoying during my panic attacks, and that my OCD puts a massive toll on my familiy. But I don't want to manipulate people. Now, I feel like an abuser. In these moments, seeing how much my weakness makes my family suffer makes me just want to not be here anymore.

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