First time posting

Ever since my OCD started when I was 14 (I’m 26 now), I get the biggest relief from confessing to my mother. It is getting harder as the years pass to resist the urge. I always feel like confessing all of my past mistakes and sins, even though a lot of it will upset her. But I always get a wave of calm across my body every time I get reassurance or a reaction from her. Idk why at 26 I feel guilty not telling my mom everything. I don’t even know anymore when it is appropriate to vent to her like a daughter and when it’s my OCD telling me to seek reassurance for the wrong reasons. I think of my past mistakes and feel so guilty around my mother.

Anyone know anything about confession OCD that can tell me about it in a nutshell? I’ve always felt the need to tell everyone whatever is going on in my head and I feel guilty if I don’t. I would always tell on myself as a kid but not for the things I did wrong but instead for all the bad things in my head. Now I obsess over everything from my past and experience with other partners and have horrible guilt if I don’t tell my boyfriend absolutely everything that has ever happened or just things my mind gets stuck on. Only when he knows everything I can think of do I relax. Is this what confession OCD is? If not- does anyone else get the compulsion to get the truth out?

I’m trying to be vulnerable and share here about my experience. I’m just gonna let myself write and not think I’m crazy or try to delete.. I find myself feeling alone a lot, feeling crazy, being unsure why I can’t just snap out of it. I know my past caused this in me (I experienced 2 large traumas - sexual abuse by a parent and parent death) But i find myself obsessed with asking myself why and trying to change the past in my mind. Trying to move on. Thinking maybe if I find out more I’ll feel better. It feels like I can never have a complete good day like I can never feel good. i have happy moments, but if it’s not perfect which I logically know no day is.. I feel upset by my day. Somethings always wrong in my head. I can’t get through a day without thinking my husbands mad at me, or he’s not the actual one for me (we’ve been together 11 years…) or that I can try to solve what I’m feeling by just keeping my house clean, exercising, eating healthy, journaling, meditating. It’s almost like my compulsions have become healthy ones. I feel safe not doing some of them, but if it’s been more than a couple days - I begin to feel bad about it and say “well this is why I feel bad - I’m doing it to myself” Lately, I’ve been experiencing outbursts where I hear the thought telling me to think rationally, but it’s as if I can’t control it and then I’m in a yelling fight with my husband who’s simply trying to be there for me.. I just feel so scared to trust him because my intrusive thoughts tell me he’s out to get me, he’s gonna die, a lot. I’m on Zoloft and have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, buT OCD was never brought up. It wasn’t until I searched something in July of 2022 trying to figure out why i had such intense thoughts about leaving my husband but no desire to actually leave that I started to realize I might have it. Since then I’ve improved and I’ve gotten bad. My OCD is around work. Around things being perfect. Around my relationships - always afraid I’m not acting right or I’m going to hurt peoples feelings. Even coming here and interacting feels scary - my ocd wants me to feel alone I guess. I also feel nervous that I over share and people will think I’m crazy. I really don’t want to post this.