someone just help…..anyone….

@cloudy_day hey, thanks for replying. didn’t think this post would be public. it’s just about my original post that included themes of POCD, Suicidal OCD, Real Event OCD, and False Memory OCD. I just wanted honest answers (which I just now realize is probably reassurance?) on my past actions that have made me spiral these past few days. if you are interested, I will go ahead and paste the OG post here in the replies if NOCD lets me. warning, I do mention su1cide (censoring just in case) and the whole post could be triggering for those with POCD. before I continue, I need to know if you are of age (18+, preferably 20+). thanks

@veinsoul Sorry, I replied to my own comment, lol. Maybe it didn’t notify you. You may show me your post

@cloudy_day hey! I did see the reply quickly but didn’t answer as I have been pretty busy today. it turns out that the app won’t let me post it so I can either paraphrase it or just give up LOL. I just thought the original post was important for best comprehension of the whole thing :p

@veinsoul You can maybe post multiple replies, I’ll read them all

@cloudy_day alright, I’ll try doing that!

@cloudy_day confession time! and long post warning. trigger warning for anyone dealing with POCD. mention of suicide. today I woke up early as usual to use the bathroom & I tend to look at my phone for the time. I opened it & went to NOCD to check for new posts. I ended up reading this one post talking about youtubers getting in trouble for saying/doing stuff involving minors & it triggered me bc I remember something I said back when I was 18. for context, I met an ex friend on roblox when I was 17 & added them on discord and instagram afterwards. I didn’t rlly care for instagram & it was on my spam account where I uploaded random videos I had saved on my camera roll, so I didn’t rlly do shit there. on discord we would just talk about school, family stuff and random things like clothes, roblox games and drama. I believe we had a sibling relationship. they reminded me of one of my brothers (who he was 14 at the time). let’s call them friend A. I then turned 18 maybe a month or two (can’t rlly remember) after we became friends. I didn’t know their age & I assumed it was like 16-17 like me at the time. (they were 13 & idk if they were 14 when I left)

@cloudy_day this is part 1/8, I meant to put that in the beginning, sorry!

@cloudy_day (part 2/8) shortly after my birthday (I think), I met another ex friend (friend B) on roblox who was 16 at the time. I forgot what we would talk about but I know he had a girlfriend & he was a furry. I think we would talk about life sometimes. and then because my ass at that age was very curious, we would talk about porn. this was during the time I was probably at my peak of being gay bc all I thought about rlly was about women. anyway, at some point I remember talking about my height bc I was insecure and said I wish I had more inches bc I hated being small. he then made a comment somewhere along the lines where he wouldn’t mind “putting 2 1nch3s in me.” don’t know if it was followed with a winky face but I was uncomfortable. at the time I was 18 & he was 16. 2 year age gap is not bad, but in my state the age of consent is 17, and I told him that & he said that his state says the age of consent is 16. I can’t remember if we had a disagreement over that but I was just going by what the law said. also, I’m not sure if this was after his gf broke up with him or was with him. I feel like it might’ve been when she was with him bc why tf was he saying this shit to me. moving on, friend A invited me to a discord server they made. can’t remember what it was for but I’m pretty sure it was for friends to hangout. friend A had a lot of drama going on with friends and stuff, so they would tell me stuff that would happen. ngl, they were a bit toxic but not as toxic as their other friends. (note that friend A and friend B did not know each other. it’s like having ‘friend group A’ and ‘friend group B’)

@cloudy_day (part 3/8) I think I was already in friend A’s server before the whole thing with friend B happened. maybe I should’ve mentioned that earlier. anyway, I was disgusted about the comment that I went to friend A’s server where I was chatting & mentioned the comment friend B made. I was grossed out & in shock. I think friend A was there when I sent the message along with another friend of theirs and they were like “ew that’s gross” and I think friend A mentioned something gross a student did in their classroom which made me uncomfortable to the point where I said “you should’ve kept that to yourself, that’s gross. I didn’t wanna know that 🤢” but who am I to complain when I just ranted about friend B who disrespected me. now the reason why I’m triggered in the first place is bc majority (or maybe half idk) of the server were m1nors and didn’t know how old everyone was but it ranged from like 11-17 I think. I genuinely can’t remember anymore. the thing that worries me the most is I can’t remember if I knew the majority’s ages or not, but regardless, they were minors and I said that shit in the heat of the moment. eventually, I regretted ever sending the message and deleted it from the server. I don’t know if I did it later that day or the day I eventually freaked out that I was friends with a minor (13-14) and needed to cut contact based on what I saw on the internet.

@cloudy_day (part 4/8) that was the only thing I ever said that was bad. I never EVER once flirted or anything with a m1nor (with the exception of my ex gf where we were 17-18/19) (my ex and I have a year and few months gap) (and a comment where a 17 year old called me a princess or something in a roblox game & I called him my prince (I assumed he was as old as me (20) based on his voice and after I found out about his age, I immediately backed off & apologized) nor do I WANT to date a m1nor (now that I’m 21) because EW. I’m an ADULT. it was never my intention to harm anyone. I even could’ve said this to my older friend who was probably 21-22 at the time but didn’t wanna make her uncomfortable. I should’ve just told her instead of a server full of teens & preteens. I don’t think everyone read the message and only the ones that were active the time I was chatting. I can’t stand that I ever decided to hit send in that moment.

@cloudy_day (part 5/8) anyway, all of that happened a couple months after I turned 18 (I think). I was spiraling like crazy at work over this and have calmed a bit down now. I think this is something that no one with POCD has ever done bc it deals with intrusive thoughts, not stuff that actually happened. I do want to mention before I blocked friend A during my whole freak out session, they contacted me once about a cre3p sending inappropriate messages to their friend who was like 12-13 with screenshots and I was like “wtf” & reported the user to discord. I included the screenshots and explained what was happening. discord emailed me that they were working on the case and would take action. I didn’t get an email after that. (I actually still have it since I just looked it up) so I guess there’s evidence that I’m not putting up with pedos. but with what I said, I feel like I am just like them.

@cloudy_day (part 7/8) and here I was earlier dreaming about my future life being happy doing what I wanted and having a lovely husband. who would ever want to marry a monster? I will [commit sewer] to save everyone from me. it will hurt but I will then have to give my babies up for adoption. it will hurt like hell because I love them in the short time we’ve been together but they don’t deserve love from a fcking creep. [I’m editing this; creep by radiohead keeps coming up my head lol] I saved them from the shelter from my own selfishness. to save myself from drowning in my thoughts. they deserve better. everyone around me does. I wanted to do many things, although I feel like undiagnosed depression stopped me from doing them. I wanted to shine. I have dreamed of a good life but because of my poor actions, I have revoked my right to live. I wanted to make the world a better place with my help. I wanted to volunteer to actually help people in need. I wanted to gift people things because it was one of my love languages and I liked seeing people light up. I have a forgiving heart and want nothing but kindness around the world. I wanted to have worth. I wanted to be a productive member of society. I wanted to live. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to be free. I just wanted peace with myself. if all is true, then I will make a video or write a note telling the whole world of my sins. of who I really am. that I saved them from an evil soul. I don’t want to hurt others anymore. and I don’t want to hurt anymore. someone. please. just tell me.

@cloudy_day (part 8/8) anyway, an extra bonus from friend B: one day, while I was talking with friend B, I had to go somewhere and my younger brother was with me. I still remember when I was getting in my car ready to drive and friend B texted me what I was doing. I said that I was about to drive to the store or get food (can’t remember). I ask him “wbu?” and he replied that he was jcking off. not even like “chilling in bed” or “watching a show.” literally fucking jcking off and telling me about it. I was stunned. now that I think about it. maybe it was my fault and I brought it upon myself for ever talking about p0rn. I was just interested in that topic, not about whatever the fuck he was doing. anyway, I think later that day I was still disgusted. he ghosted for a whole month and returned to say his gf broke up with him (which makes sense I guess) and then eventually tells me he has been crushing on me. it made no sense & I don’t think I reacted brightly to that. eventually we were talking about something and he yet pulled another sx joke at me & I told him off. I was not comfortable with me being added to s*xual stuff with him. he was apologizing and when I was typing up something that I forgave him, he ended up blocking me and unadding me. I saw we were still friends on roblox and I shot a message to him saying sorry if anything I said was mean but wanted him to understand that him saying stuff to me was not ok with me. that I forgave him and said we can continue being friends. he un friended me on there as well. no message or anything.

@veinsoul that’s all. hopefully it sent. let me know if it did send. sorry for the spam of replies! I tried breaking it up as best as I could since it is lengthy. I do realize that at the time of the post I was looking for some reassurance but also the truth. like “tell me the truth and I will take action” or something lol

@cloudy_day lmao I got part 6 flagged and another email from a mod or something. don’t know if the other parts were posted but if not, then don’t even worry about it lol

@veinsoul Just want to let you know I’m reading this. I haven’t forgotten you

@cloudy_day for the first part, yes, although it was just one friend, their friends weren’t mine. they were just in the server. for the second part, I wouldn’t say it was triggering but more like awkward and unwanted. I was more triggered by the fact I told friend A in the server (which anyone else in the server could’ve seen) (maybe another friend of theirs was there, don’t know) there was no intention of anything malicious from me, just at the moment I saw it as a “gossip/can u believe” type of thing. and they were 4-5 years younger than me. I did delete the message afterwards but idk if it was that same day or another day.

@cloudy_day I basically view it as a very inappropriate thing to say at my age & afraid that it is ‘cancel’ worthy to ruin my life. I do regret saying it regardless of that bc they were younger than me. I’m just scared I’m a predator or something for saying that. it wasn’t even a nasty comment to any person in there or to my ex friend. it was just me saying what friend B told me that I found nasty

@veinsoul You are not a bad person, at all. Relax, and please have good days. Nothing has changed. 😁

@cloudy_day so sorry for the late reply. thank you. this was a major thing blocking my way from everything. (I have 18382 other problems to go through now but at least this one is out the way) I rlly appreciate ur patience 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

@veinsoul No problem, dude. Let the thoughts go. It will suck, but just let em go.