Real Event and Sexual OCD

I think I just need to vent about this and hopefully I’ll feel better. When I was a teen (somewhere between 12 and 18, fuzzy about when exactly) I found some weird fetish porn. I didn’t even know what I was doing because my sex ed was terrible, but I ended up getting off to it. I remember being confused, scared, and VERY secretive. I ended up being funneled into a community that ultimately was very harmful for me as a young teen, one that I don’t think I would have been anywhere near if I hadn’t stumbled onto it. Now that I’m in my late 20s, I recognize that this was not a good situation. I think I was into it because it was paired with things I do like, because of the secrecy and anxiety, and just sheer exposure. But that doesn’t stop me from every once in a while being absolutely terrified that I secretly like it. It’s nerve wracking, because I wonder if I just convinced myself I didn’t like it because I assigned moral value to it. I had friends that thought it was disgusting. But at the end of the day, I didn’t stop because of other people, I stopped because I found myself not wanting it anymore. I just stopped wanting it. Now, I don’t want it. Even though I’ve done my best to remove the moral quantity to it, I just don’t want to do it and the thought makes me uncomfortable and icked out. So… yeah. I’ve talked to my therapist before. It was the first time I ever cried in therapy. I think I need to talk through it more. I’m comforted knowing I don’t want to act on any of the intrusive thoughts I get about it, but knowing that I did things when I was a teen makes it hard. I just have to remind myself I was a child, I know what was happening. But it’s hard

Username: hanysm@gmail.comhanysm@gmail...

Date posted: 18w ago

Listen, we can't change either the past or the future. All you can do is live the now, and appreciate the fact that you out of those mistakes safe. Think about the good side of it, you learned from it. You can help others also by warning them about such behavior, and this will be your moral repentance and fixing the past.

Username: BleebloopBleebloop

Date posted: 18w ago

@hanysm@gmail.com That’s a good way of thinking of it!

Username: xyzwqrxyzwqr

Date posted: 18w ago

seems like we all were exposed to terrible porn. i just went though a really bad episode (still am kinda) because im afraid ive watched real un consensual porn and thought it looked real and still enjoyed it (ik ive watched fake stuff for sure like obviously fake stuff but im afraid ive watched the real) and my therapist sister said that in this generation weve been desensitized by the media terribly and that combined with over exposure to porn that most of us have done very similar things and are probably weirded out by it now. though it didnt make me feel 100% better it definitely pulled me out of if a little knowing that its the majority of people and thats the only one that bothered me so much that i had a melt down but theres some shit that i know for sure that i was into as a teen that really weird me out now (arent necessarily morally wrong but weird me tf out now) i think its pretty normal to get into weird or questionable shit at that age especially with out having the brain of an adult that can understand this stuff to the full capacity. we were really over exposed to terrible shit and i think its fucked up that we even had access to it tbh

Username: figuringital...

Date posted: 5y ago

Ok so I’ve been kind of upset about this all day so I figured I would share this. I’m really nervous doing it because I don’t want to get judged for it. I feel so guilty about it all the time. So a couple of years ago I was babysitting a family friends kid, and they were crawling all over me, jumping up and down, and I wound up having a groinal response (I really don’t wanna say the kind.) I kind of put it in the back of my mind and forgot about it, but around last year I remembered and latched onto it and it threw me into my OCD spiral. I remembered this happened maybe two other times before that, and of course I felt weird and guilty by it. I didn’t experience any sexual arousal, yet this happened to me. I always had sexually intrusive thoughts ever since I was a little kid, so perhaps I was just having a groinal response to when that was happening because I was thinking “omg what if...” or whatever, but of course I can’t remember my thoughts. Now I know what a groinal response is and that they come in all shapes and sizes (lol) but because this happened *before* I realized I had POCD, my brain has convinced me that it was some kind of genuine attraction and that I wanted to do something bad

Username: Isabella

Date posted: 3y ago

I feel terrible. The porn I watched from ages 12-16 was disgusting, I feel like some sick sexual deviant. I don’t have the courage to tell my therapist what exactly I watched out of fear that they’ll confirm that it’s not ocd and my fears are true. I did tell them talk a little bit about my obsession with porn and we did erp for it but my fear is still so strong. I’ve seen people obsess about the same thing but I always feel like what I did was way worse.. :( I just don’t want to feel this way anymore when I’m doing good my fears seem so irrational and stupid but when it gets bad it feels very real and that my life is over.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Please tell me I’m not the only one

Ok so my main theme is SOOCD and it eats me alive. When I was being bullied in school I became obsessed with talking to strangers on Omegle and began sexting people- including girls and idk if it’s because I thought it was wrong in my head or something which is why I enjoyed it? But immediately after I’d be like ew can’t believe I did that because I was just so horny for everything. I also watched lesbian porn too so this is something that I did for a couple of years since I was 16 but never something I wanted to do in real life. At the time I didn’t care it was some fun but I’m really traumatised by it ever since. I know I’m straight but my mind tells me because I did this online in the past there is no way I am straight. I feel so alone in the world I’ve been to therapy, had advice from several people but I just can’t listen to anyone because I know I’m the only one who has done that. I feel like it is sooooo hard to move past real events when you have OCD because people’s worst fear for me actually happened. So my OCD will forever convince me that I’m gay because of these events. I hate myself so much and always have- I don’t see a way past this and my life is slowly going downhill in every aspect because of it.

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Real Event and Sexual OCD

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