irritated.

I was at my aunt’s birthday party today & I actually socialized (with my aunts/uncle only ofc). anyway, while I was on my phone to the side, I think I heard one of my cousins use an ethnic slur. but other people were talking so I can’t tell if I am imagining shit or if she rlly said it. it sounded like she did even though I didn’t hear it clearly. and I’m just disappointed, upset, angry, etc. my other cousins say the slur as well which is why I don’t like going to parties and talking to them bc I don’t fuck with that. I’m not surprised at them for using it bc they say it religiously. but I am surprised to hear it from this particular cousin. and the reason I’m upset is bc years ago we realized (when we were kids/teens) how bad the word was. I won’t deny that I also used the word back then when I was 14/15 but stopped at 15 & corrected myself. I took accountability and everything. we both agreed that the word was bad to say and we would stop. she was actually the one that caught me using it when she stopped and pointed it out to me. I think shortly after that, I stopped using it. (but she wasn’t the first person to tell me to cut it out. she was just the last one to tell me it was bad.) moving on, I’m upset bc I rlly believed she changed and would never say it again. I guess I was wrong. I had a lot of trust for her because she was basically the only one in our family (mom’s side) who understood how wrong it was. now I feel like I’m the only one that has truly changed. I’m fucking mad. like fuck. and just genuinely upset. I can’t trust anyone. I want to throw shit around. how many times am I going to keep hurting finding out who people truly are? now I won’t say she’s a bad person, she’s good but fuck man. why?? why say that word?? I believed in her. literally broke my trust just like that. I am very observant and don’t talk to people until I find some confidence that they won’t disappoint me. now after this event, it’s just fueling my morals even more. I can’t seem to talk to anyone without thinking “are they racist? do they hate gay people? what do they think of trans people? are they friends with good people or enablers of bad people?” and so on. I’m so fucking tired. and I’m scared of wondering what my friends (the ones that are close to me) think of certain topics. these are just my online friends. I don’t rlly have irl friends. it’s like I can’t have friends. and ik u can have different opinions of stuff but when it comes to politics, it’s just overwhelming for me. I can’t even think for myself. always obsessed with what’s “good” and what’s “bad” I’m tired of it all. fuck all of this. fuck bad people. fuck the world. fuck me. excuse my language. good night everyone. stay safe & take care.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

Comment deleted by user

veinsoul

Date posted: 1y

@rosepetaltears I’m so sorry what you’re going through. I’m glad your mom is respectful. it’s saddening to hear that you engage in SH :( no kid should ever do such a thing. (to not have u freak out, I recognize ur user from another time where u posted and I think u mentioned u were like 13 fyi) I won’t shame u for doing so, though. I understand, sometimes it’s hard. the best thing to do is not to do it and redirect the stress to something else. and of course, if u have tried and nothing is helping, I hope u do it with minimal injury. I do appreciate ur comments. and it’s sad having a kid giving advice bc they shouldn’t be going thru this :( I want to let you know that you are strong. I totally get abt racist ppl in school bc that’s what happened in mine when I was still in school lol. as a 21-year old, stuff will happen at school, good and bad, as u said. please do not be afraid to ask for help. do not go thru the path I went thru of not asking. and u are right, it is hard to forgive. honestly, props to you for being this knowledgeable at such a young age. I can tell you are a good soul. take care little one 🎈

veinsoul

Date posted: 1y

I think I’m that upset that I’m about to start crying. I’m tired of it all. I can’t seem to have a break.

vmpstr_

Date posted: 25w

past guilt

hi im experiencing a lot of anxiety and guilt right now. im 16 now but in the past i said many offensive bad things, slurs and racist jokes with my friends. it was disgusting and im not proud of this. I'd never say those stuff to an actual black people to idk make fun or shame them because im not actually racist, i could never hate another person just because their skin colour is different. but i did say disgusting stuff as "a joke" and i feel very guilty about this. I don't think i was always a bad person but for around two years i was just acting mean and pretty shitty. i wish i could turn back time, but that's not possible. i was talking about stuff I didn't have a clue about, i said n word just because "its just a word, it's not that deep!". but now i know it's really more than that. yet I can't move on. i keep thinking about it so much i want to throw up. I can't look in the mirror now i don't know what to do. lately im trying to become a better person, be nice to people close to me and just to finally feel good. but i feel like I don't deserve to change and i create scenarios that people will bring up my past when ill finally be a better person.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 25w

Pissed off 18+ only

Tried to have a fun day today but I was too into my thoughts and that just ended up ruining it. Had it triggered by something, which was being in a social environment surrounded by people talking to each other while I feel I can't talk to anyone all that much. Why is this the trigger? Because it's happened in the past, and probably childhood, and I guess it didn't sit well with me and it still doesn't. It completely took my mood away on top of bad habits that hurt my self esteem further. Then when I feel I talk a bit too much, I get no responses, so that's why I don't say a whole lot to begin with. That combined with worrying about being judged. Just a vent.

🌟✨️

Date posted: 24w

Ruminating abt social media again

Adults only as pocd mentioned I'm still thinking abt all the friends online who have unfollowed me,some cases even i think softblocked or fully blocked me. My brain is convinced that I must have done something gross and predatory or I did something racist or in general bigoted and they came to terms with it and left me. I can't stop thinking abt it. I just remembered checking an old discord for a fandom I was in when I was 17,half the people there had unadded me when we were friended and possibly even blocked,I hadn't talked to a lot of them in a long time though,but I thought we were on good terms. I think we also used to follow eachother on tumblr but before I made a new tumblr I remember not seeing their posts after some point and I can't remember if it's just bc I wasn't on much or i unfolloed or I got blocked. I feel I must have done something awful. One of my worst fears is people i care abt or was friends w leaving me and not telling me why,I have so much stuff I did on the internet I feel regret abt and it could be any of those things,as i mentioned i cant stop goint thru old messages and there have been times ive seen me make like a nsfw joke as a teen in a group chat or me not react negatively when someone else in the chat does something weird . I'm constantly scared who the next old friend i have will suddenly disappear one day,letting me wonder if I did something hurtful or predatory or bigoted to them or someone they know. I have so much stuff I regret a lot when i was younger,I have so much stuff I wanna confess but I'd be here all day and I'm bound to forget something then remember it later and spiral.

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