Hello! I have a question?

Okay so In the moment I get intrusive thoughts about children which I hate. I get the gronal responses which I always so many compultions after. My ocd is very bad and I’m showering and changing my bedding around 8 times. Therapists have told me I’m the worse they’ve ever known. That’s how bad my life is atm. I hate this disorder. I want to know if ocd can cause these things as it will help me to fight my compulsions and just except it’s ocd… In the moment the gronal responses are genuinely pleasurable and I struggle to ignore them and stop them, in the moment t I want them even if it was due to a thought of a kid My OCD will tell me I’m aroused I’ll feel aroused then when moving around in my bed it’ll tell me to make my vagina touch my bedding for a feeling while I’m turning over and I purposely do it in the moment… I hate it. After I do so many compilations, it’s not even me it’s like someone else controlling my body When I try to fight my compulsions I think in my mind “I like this anyways” and actually like the thoughts and gronal responses over the children, which then makes me not be able to fight them. For example my ocf was telling me to spray my feet with anti back, but then I tried to fight it and I was thinking to myself “nah l like this one I like this feeling over the kid it’s the real me” like I didn’t even feel stressed from it it’s like I wanted it. Of corse after these I do lots and many compultions Please I just want to know if ocd can do this

I feel like after years of living in survival mode from various back to back traumas, I don’t know how to turn off my brain. It’s always in some sort of overstimulated cycle of overthinking, rumination, self checking, and seeking reassurance. I know there will be more peace after treatment. But just hating like I’m stuck in always feeling like I’m waiting for the next shoe to drop when so many shit things have happened to me early in life. How am I suppose to be excited about what’s next?

Anyone else here with complex trauma and ocd? How did u find they correlate with each other? Possibly the trauma causing ocd? Have you found any mind blowingly obvious connections? Healing your trauma helps with ocd symptoms? I recently found out I have cptsd and have been abused by my family growing up physically and verbally. Btw still living with them and my ocd gets significantly worse or better sometimes.I have so many questions.❤️‍🩹