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This is extremely hard for me to say I have danced around it in previous posts but I simply cant hold it in anymore. The guilt that I feel for thinking these thoughts is immesurable and is driving me to want to hurt myself. I'm gonna start from the very beginning it all started when I was put on Fluvoxamine back then I had the bad habit of looking every medication that I was on up and with that I found out that a student with another student had brought a weapon to school and hurt many people with it. (I can't even write the word but I'm sure you know what the thing was) The intrusive thoughts didn't start then for some reason but later when at my school we had a threat of someone who was wanting to do the same thing. But then one morning I got the thought of what if I do that. And then it got worse I would get the thought every day. And then summer came by and I thought I would be fine but it came back when I went to school again this year it got so bad that I had to drop out of school. But for some reason I am still getting the intrusive thoughts and they are even more horrible now with images of me doing it, I get horrible urges, and my mind tells me that I want to do something this terrible. I want people to understand when I say this I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone and never have. I have 0 history of violence to anyone and have been in several situations like that where there was a threat and have felt the fear that comes along with that. I don't understand why these thoughts are there. I feel like I need to put myself into a mental hospital. I never want to hurt anyone and never will.

Username: Patrick HPatrick H

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14w ago

I‘m sorry that you’ve experienced what you have - it sounds frightening. As for the persistent worry about harm, that’s very much harm OCD. Remember OCD latches on to the things that we care about and that’s why it upsets us so much.

Username: PipipopoPipipopo

Date posted: 14w ago

But my mind keep telling me I don't care and it's so scary

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 14w ago

That's how ocd works the thoughts are opposite of you, that's why you feel anxious and feel sick because you know you would never do those thoughts but you give the thoughts meaning so just say "okay I guess I would " and laugh and move on even if u feel even more anxious just feellll everything and go forward it happens to the best of us.

Username: PipipopoPipipopo

Date posted: 14w ago

I know it's the best thing to do but when I say that it makes me think that I am a horrible person and makes me question if I am capable of doing it. It's so terrifying

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 14w ago

@Bleh:p Ik it's hard u just gotta keep going

Username: namelessfornow

Date posted: 2y ago

Someone please read and help me.

I just joined this app today and need someone to understand me or just listen to me. I have been suffering from extremely violent and gruesome intrusive thoughts mainly regarding my 3 year old toddler. I have noticed a peak in my intrusive thought struggle with a mass shooting occurs. I have a debilitating fear of a school shooting happening at my sons daycare. I am not going to get into the details but it is just so sickening that I can’t even type out what my head thinks. My problem is I self sabotage by reading about shootings until the story consumes me. Most recently the Highland Park shooting. I am worried because it has gotten to the point where I simply CANNOT sleep without taking something that knocks me out, otherwise I lay in bed with my chest so tight I can’t breathe letting these horrible visions play over and over again. I don’t want to be dependent on a downer to put me to sleep and an upper to get me through the day. This is the first time I am sharing my experience and it feels really good to get this off my chest. Please if anyone has gone through this and can offer anything please share it with me. I can’t go on like this

Username: SosickofOCD

Date posted: 1y ago

I hate myself now.

i have been getting really gross intrusive thoughts. They have caused me to feel such intense guilt. It’s gone to the point I harmed myself and believe I deserve this harm. My parents had to hide all sharp objects from me so I don’t harm myself. I also have wanted to end my life due to the intensity and discomfort and disgust and repulsion these thoughts give me. I feel since I have these intrusive thoughts I do not deserve to live. I have been to a mental health emergency room and I felt better afterwards but it was temporary relief. I have been given medication for this (sleep since the intrusive thoughts and the fact that I have these intrusive thoughts keeps me awake unable to sleep, and pills for my OCD to potentially stop the intrusive thoughts and anxiety. But I was only given them last night so they will not work for a week or so). I don’t even feel comfortable saying the theme of them because I’m terrified of people thinking I am that and am so repulsed by the fact that still exists, I would never think anything like this out of my own will. If I heard anybody say the thoughts I have out loud , I would stay away from them, and be disgusted by them for saying it. I wouldn’t even vocalize these intrusive thoughts to a therapist because they would hate me which would be completely valid and understandable. I hate me too for thinking this. I don’t deserve to live. I live in constant guilt. I never got thought like this until these theme decided to ruin my fucking whole ass life. How do I remove these thoughts and guilt. I’m only a kid and I know I have a whole life ahead of me but I don’t deserve it for having these intrusive thoughts. I’ll get intrusive thoughts like wanting to harm somebody in a graphic way (WHICH I DO NOT WANT. I wouldn’t even get in a fight with somebody. I hate harming others.) these thoughts are 100% UNWANTED. They also developed at random. I was just scrolling on tiktok as one does then I got a super random intrusive thought. I fixated on it and obsessed over it and it caused worse and worse intrusive thoughts to come because of me fixating on it. I remember I had it once before (earleir I says I’ve never had thoughts like this untill the theme, the intrusive thought i had then was still bad and something I don’t think at all, but it was an extreme one) but I was able to acknowledge it was an intrusive thought and had nothing to do with me after freaking out for about a few hours. I don’t want to live with these thoughts. I don’t deserve the gift of life. I can’t stand up from guilt. I can’t eat on my own. I’ve tried everything. They’re constantly in my head. I DONT WANT THEM THERE. I DONT THINK LIKE THAT AT ALL. I am seeing a therapist on Thursday. They get so specific and disgusting. My compulsion is hitting myself in the head and screaming “no that’s gross ew”. As you can tell it harms me . But I think I deserve it. I can’t take any thing anyone says to me seriously because if they heard these intrusive thoughts all the pity would disappear.

Username: bloominglotus

Date posted: 51w ago

It’s so difficult

Today has been awful thoughts. It’s just getting worse and it feels like real thoughts and feelings even though I’ve been fighting it. I wish I could explain how bad it is to my parents. How do you tell anyone you’re having horrible horrible thoughts of sexually harming others and other terrible things?And there’s events from my past that make me not want to do anything because I feel like I deserve to be jailed. I’m worried I won’t be able to get a job because I can’t act like a normal person, or learn to drive. My mom said I need something to keep my occupied, find some classes to take. And she’s right but I’m worried I can’t even focus on that and again I feel like it’s a waste because I feel like I deserve to be in jail. I’m 21 I feel like such a failure. I don’t know how to get help, I really feel like I don’t want to live anymore, it feel like the only way out. But I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want my family to feel at fault. I don’t have any diagnosis so it just all feels too real. It’s CONSTANT thoughts about harming others. It feels real, it sounds proud and almost like it’s mocking in my head. I feel like I’m voluntarily thinking these things. I don’t understand why this has happened and why it’s gotten so bad. I know in my heart I have ZERO desire to be this person. I’m sorry I keep posting so much, it’s just so difficult.

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