Looking for advice

I would definitely speak to a/your therapist about it - that fear of becoming depressed could be just a doubt or OCD trying to sneak its way back in! A/your therapist could definitely help you determine that!

Prozac can make u feel blah and numb like that, but it sounds like the fear of it is mostly your ocd. Questioning it will make it feel real!

Depending on where you are from, if you live in a region, where it is autumn at the moment, you might be in a low mood due to the lack of sunlight. What helps in that case, is getting a lamp, that creates artifical sunlight without the part that can demage your skin. When I was in mental health clinics, people used this kind of lamp regularly. Also, you could get blood work done to rule out, that you suffer from a deficiency in vitamines, minerals, etc. Amongst others, low levels of vitamines D3, B6 and B12, as well as Folate and Magnesium can impact mental health.

I'm going to offer some somewhat unconventional advice: Allow yourself to feel depressed. Seriously. If you start to feel down, really sit with it and acknowledge it. If you want to cry, then cry. If you feel like nothing matters and you're overwhelmed, notice what that kind of mindstate feels like in your body. It's okay to feel anything at all. Speaking as someone who conquered suicidal obsessions, the only problem is the resistance. When we resist our emotions or thoughts, we are constantly in battle with reality. That's what leads to more intrusive thoughts and more anxiety. Maybe you are depressed, and maybe you aren't. The problem is you've logically linked depression with self harm, and so you resist any idea that you might be depressed. In fact, feeling depressed/sad/whatever might be the best thing for you. Because you need to demonstrate to yourself that those difficult emotional states do not necessarily lead to self harm. You can't "think" your way into that understanding, you have to experience it. This is the one of the foundations of ERP. Much love ❤️