- Date posted
- 42w
I know I’m a good person, but..
I see a lot of people on here asking “do you ever feel like you’re a bad person?” I used to. Spiraled over it for years. I learned a lot. I healed a lot. Forgave myself for a lot. And now I *know* I am good at heart. I made mistakes and did my best to repair the bonds I broke because of those mistakes… I try not to beat myself up about it anymore... You know.. Because I know in my heart, every day I wake up and try to be kind and understanding of other people’s experiences and do the best I can. The more ugliness I see in the world, especially with the election just happening, the more I realize how much more empathetic and sympathetic I am than the average person... I’m always told “I’m reading into things too far”, or “I’m blowing things out of proportion, it’s not that deep”, “you have to let this go, you need to move forward”, “you need to do this you need to do that”.. “Stop dwelling and just get up and do what you need to do.” Don’t you think I’ve tried? That’s all I’ve tried to do every single day and all it does, suppressing my empathy and how much i care, is make me more numb. It makes me feel like I need an escape. To me, some people seem to lack depth and are cold. I just lost my ability to trust my best friend of … my whole life. Almost 28 years. Because she flipped on a dime against me and cut contact with me about something that had nothing to do with her?? Or me?? How is that fair? How can someone who “loves” me just do that? I can’t stop reeling about it because I know what she’s been through and why she’s so cold and blows up sometimes. But it doesn’t excuse her coldness or the blow up. I always see people as these complex beings but maybe it really isn’t that deep to them. Maybe most people just do NOT give a SHIT about other people or their needs or their feelings. Im noticing people dont feel sadness or despair or worry or guilt or shame NEARLY as much as me — except other people with ocd and other neurodivergence dx, whether formally dx or self dx. But in my daily life, my normal social circle, my friends tell me things from their childhoods that would’ve absolutely traumatized me further as a child.. and are seemingly nothing to them or others around them. I don’t get it. How do people not feel this deeply? There is so much suffering in the world. I don’t get it. I had a terrible childhood, I really did. It messed me up. But… others have had it worse and I have empathy for those people. I always have. I wish the world would stop calling me crazy and weak and lazy and just let me live in a little house with a creek nearby with my family. Let me make art and share with the neighbors. I want chickens. I wanna grow grapes. I don’t want to participate in society. I can barely handle 25 hours a week right now and I’m living with my dad at 28. I need to be working 40 hours a week just to make ends meet at the job I have. I feel like I don’t have it in me right now. My life has been one tragedy and or pack up and move per year since I was like 10. I feel like this world was built for someone else. Any other person except me. I feel like I have never fit and I never will and I won’t ever be able to handle a job long term because my mental health is so volatile. And I don’t really want to take meds to fit in either. what do you do when one of your main fears is that you can’t take care of yourself financially and your main compulsion is to call out of work any time there’s a big disruption in routine or there’s conflict? I wish I could just be myself and that he okay since I’m not bothering anyone else, and I’m not at risk for harming myself or anyone else. I wish I could get disability and just not tell anyone and work on my art business full time. I wish I could be someone else. I don’t even know where to begin to rebuild my life.