Anyone else dealt with SOOCD since they were young

Yes! I have been dealing with this since about the same age. The first time I can also remember clear as day. I was bullied in school (escpecially 6th grade. chubby phase, i was a tom boy, all that good stuff) and I remember a bunch of people bullying me that I was a lesbian and I remember being home later that night and thinking “what if I am?” and my body instantly going into shock. It faded here and there over the years, and I continued having crushes on boys and long for a boy to hold and love. 10 years ago, I had a big episode. I had no idea I had OCD, and I didn’t tell anyone about what I was experiencing and just kept pursuing my boyfriend at the time (now husband). That took about 6 months to calm down, and I have had ups and since then, but was pretty calm for 10 about years. Every once in a while the thoughts would cause me some anxiety here and there, but I just kept moving forward. We got married and bought a house, and honestly that theme was pretty quiet during those times, but my ROCD would pick up here and there (again, i had no idea i had OCD.) This summer i had a big episode. I had a few things happen to cause it to go up (we were talking about seriously starting for kids, my grandpa died, and I read a book about a women coming out and leaving her marriage not knowing that was a plot point in the book). It felt so real and because i didn’t know that it was OCD (and that OCD is chronic and episodic,) I was freaking out that because this was happening again that it HAD to be real, even those it didn’t feel like me. I started blurting out all my intrusive thoughts to my husband and parents convinced i was something i was not, and I ended up in our local behavioral health clinic for 72 hours. Even after I left there I still wasn’t diagnosed! And because i wasn’t diagnosed, the hospital and partnering therapy program told me to “google and explore” which made me spiral even worse!! It took a few other avenues for someone to finally understand what I was going through, then I found NOCD. Sorry for my life story, but all this to say, yes! I relate to having these thoughts from when I was young, which fuels the denial case OCD has made against me lol, but I am just going to keep moving forward! Maybe I am in denial, maybe I am not! Maybe I am a lesbian married to a man I love, maybe I am not! Maybe I am somewhere in the spectrum, maybe I am not! Maybe I am just straight, maybe I am not! Easier said than done, but it’s the way out!

Hi! Thanks for sharing your feelings. I really identify with what you said. For context, I’ve had severe OCD basically all my life but it was around harm, sexually taboo stuff, and mainly health concerns, and was officially diagnosed when I was 26. I identify as bi, “knew” I had some type of attraction to girls from a young age but was never really scared about it until I was in a relationship with a guy in high school. I had one very brief SOOCD episode where I was worried I was secretly a lesbian, but I remember it quickly went away. Broke up with that boyfriend for completely unrelated reasons when I was 17. Then, I lived normally as an out bi person with severe OCD for the next few years, fell madly in love with my then boyfriend now fiancé, still struggled with OCD, then SOOCD hit me like a truck when I was 26, which actually lead me to get a diagnosis. It is by far my least favorite theme because it threatens the thing I love the most. As bisexuals, by definition we have to live in this gray area which is perfect fodder for OCD unfortunately. I really relate to the fear of lying and fearing leaving your relationship. It’s so hard! Even though it’s not what I want!

Also to clarify identifying as Bi was also because I felt so anxious at one point. I feel like im somewhere on the spectrum lol but labelling what I am has been tough and aligning with the term lesbian hasnt felt right for me

Do either of you feel like when you are in the depth of a flare up that this latches onto your partner? Like I know I am madly in love with my husband, and that I don’t want to be with anyone else, but do you ever get scared that you aren’t and you’re just covering up something?