Yes! I have been dealing with this since about the same age. The first time I can also remember clear as day. I was bullied in school (escpecially 6th grade. chubby phase, i was a tom boy, all that good stuff) and I remember a bunch of people bullying me that I was a lesbian and I remember being home later that night and thinking “what if I am?” and my body instantly going into shock. It faded here and there over the years, and I continued having crushes on boys and long for a boy to hold and love. 10 years ago, I had a big episode. I had no idea I had OCD, and I didn’t tell anyone about what I was experiencing and just kept pursuing my boyfriend at the time (now husband). That took about 6 months to calm down, and I have had ups and since then, but was pretty calm for 10 about years. Every once in a while the thoughts would cause me some anxiety here and there, but I just kept moving forward. We got married and bought a house, and honestly that theme was pretty quiet during those times, but my ROCD would pick up here and there (again, i had no idea i had OCD.) This summer i had a big episode. I had a few things happen to cause it to go up (we were talking about seriously starting for kids, my grandpa died, and I read a book about a women coming out and leaving her marriage not knowing that was a plot point in the book). It felt so real and because i didn’t know that it was OCD (and that OCD is chronic and episodic,) I was freaking out that because this was happening again that it HAD to be real, even those it didn’t feel like me. I started blurting out all my intrusive thoughts to my husband and parents convinced i was something i was not, and I ended up in our local behavioral health clinic for 72 hours. Even after I left there I still wasn’t diagnosed! And because i wasn’t diagnosed, the hospital and partnering therapy program told me to “google and explore” which made me spiral even worse!! It took a few other avenues for someone to finally understand what I was going through, then I found NOCD.
Sorry for my life story, but all this to say, yes! I relate to having these thoughts from when I was young, which fuels the denial case OCD has made against me lol, but I am just going to keep moving forward! Maybe I am in denial, maybe I am not! Maybe I am a lesbian married to a man I love, maybe I am not! Maybe I am somewhere in the spectrum, maybe I am not! Maybe I am just straight, maybe I am not! Easier said than done, but it’s the way out!