Idk what to do

Help please 

I’m writing this even if I don’t know weather I really suffer from a mental illness or I’m just a real monster,narcissist,sinner,.. i’m writing it while i don’t know wither if I’m really suffering and dad or I’m just numb i just wrote it because i will explode if i stay silent...when i was young i have no friend only some of my older brother’s friends they are really bad they had sex with me soo many times and when i grow up I continued having sex with my gender without feeling any shame or guilt and it reached that i had sex one time in a church and i didn’t feel guilty after it...in this period of my life one i was sitting in my aunts house and i slept beside her with all sexuall thought in my head as if a monster or an uncontrolled animal... but in some point i stopped all of that i promised myself not to have sex with boys anymore and i should be a new human...and time passed and life was soo good and i never remimbered the old life and mistakes i did in the past... after this period my bestfriend died of cancer and i felt nothing!!! I felt numb!! I didn’t fell sad !! But i overcomed this by saying that i can do nothing about it ...until i knew the most beautiful girl when i see her beauty inside, her morals,her pureness, i feel like I can’t even deserve to know her...she loved me but she didint know any of these things ..but I became a new human snd i will not return to who i was again ...but my brain didn’t let me .. a devil’s thoughts started to came to my brain.. sexuall thoughts about any thing in this life..mom,dad,brother,a baby, a child,dog,cat even my dead best friend,martyrs of church,anything 
I think sexually about god about everything and i feel it and sometimes i feel that i’m who bring these thoughts or feel that i have a really bad imagination that imagine things these way..and i thought in extremes so every time a bring extreme thing like all these thoughts...my culture is so religious and good people who love and respect i feel that i don’t deserve life ..how dare me to think these thoughts andd sometimes i didint care much 
..my community is far away from these and i feel like I’m the only person between them .. the worsest of then didn’t do one thing that i did.. i’m comparing my self with them and i always lose no one did what i did no one think what i think Not just sexual thinking in different bad ways that’s makes me afraid that is not ocd

i look at people as heroes and all i wish to be one of them.. I’m really a perfectionist and all of the way opposite to anything perfect i see myself as the worst..i hate feeling that i dont care i hate all of these nightmares... i destroyed all the things love relationships,purity even a death for my bestfriend that all his friends still love and respect and remember ... also I remember that I didn’t love before or know what is love.i’m a mess 
.all i know that I don’t wanted to be a monster or do make all of these mistakes Or to be a mess i want if i’m w monster to turn to a good human and if i’m numb and have no feeling to love and respect.. if I’m narcissist I respect others and care for them..if i’m the devil itself to turn to a good human being i just don’t want to be this bad but word (if) just a dream and i cant do anything 
 I feel like I don’t know what is love so I don’t love and there is nothing real soo that’s why these thought isn’t ocd ,these thoughts because you don’t love your dad or mom or your friend so you think of them that way i reallu don’t understand anything
I’m sorry.

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture

I have completely lost myself. I was doing so well yesterday. I have absolutely no desire to hurt anyone but why does it bother me that I couldn’t hurt someone even if I wanted to. Like Do i really want to? I know my belief in God fully convicts my heart but why would I want to do it. My heart just wants to praise God but I even question why God made our hearts to praise him. Like why is it bothering me? I loved to be a good person and I truly want to be the old me again but why does it feel like I just don’t want to. I’m so scared. I don’t want to go to hell but why is murder in my mind. Is this existential more than harm OCD? I’m sorry if this is a confusing post.