- Date posted
- 36w
Therapy - a little bit of hope
Therapy has been going well. Had a session today, and although my therapist isn’t an OCD specific one, we’re trying ERP soon :) Today tho we had a tough conversation going over some of my ROCD thoughts. Yknow the fear of it not working out. What if I don’t want this. What if I don’t want to be with a man in general. And she asked me a question. “If you could have the guarantee of the love that you wanted but it was with someone else, would you do it?” I thought about it for a sec, and I said no. And I meant it. I’d rather the risk of being looked at differently by my bf’s community than lose him. I’d rather work to be with him than have the guarantee. Immediately after, I felt like I had lied and had actually wanted to say yes I’d go with someone else but it didn’t seem right to me to say that. Thinking about it gives me a bit of anxiety. I told her it felt like I was lying and she said “well if that was your gut reaction to say that I think it’s a pretty good sign of how you feel” my mom said the same thing a couple months ago when this first started. “Do you love him” “yes” I said through tears “are you happy?” “Yes” “do you feel uncomfortable around him during sex or intimacy” “anxious but no, not uncomfortable” sex is still new and I’m worried I’m not enjoying it enough or it’s not electric enough even tho it does feel really nice to be intimate with him. I don’t think it has to feel electric to be enjoyable. Back to the point. I wrote my boyfriend a letter detailing what I had talked about (just to give him cuz he’s in a bit of a pit of his own). And I felt good writing it, and reading it over. I texted my boyfriend to check in on him and he made a dad joke lol and I texted him “you’re cute” and I felt slight anxiety but not much. I still feel pretty decent but I’m worried I did lie to my therapist and to my boyfriend in the letter and that I don’t actually want to work on this relationship. I want to keep choosing him cuz I do love him but there’s a bit of this voice “hmmm what if you don’t” and I know that voice can exist and I can still love him. Still trying to understand that concept. I feel good about the relationship and don’t want anyone or anything else but I do worry that it’s either not enough or a lie and everything I say is a lie. The numbness is weird. I feel good but then go back to feeling eh. When I’m around him I’m good. I’m thinking less than normal, I’m not feeling much anxiety. But I’m not feeling better. I’m not feeling clarity and the love I usually feel which worries me slightly that I don’t love him but I know love isn’t always butterflies and it’s a choice and an action. Sometimes I feel kinda done mentally some days, maybe it’s cuz I am overwhelmed these days and ending the relationship would be an easy way out and we wouldn’t have to take the risk of staying in our relationship because of the cultural aspects. But that feels wrong. I don’t wanna do that. It doesn’t cause me anxiety to think about but. I don’t like the thought. Im happy and safe and cared for and our values align. There’s no reason for me to be thinking this which is why I feel bad and like a liar. And going back to the question my therapist asked me, what if I had said I didn’t wanna stay like my brain wanted me to but my gut and heart said otherwise?? I think I’d feel guilty and sad cuz that means ending the relationship and I can’t bear the thought of losing my boyfriend. Some days the thought doesn’t make me sad but today, especially during therapy it did. The thought of a guarantee with someone else seems appealing yes but I don’t want someone else. I have a passionate kind love, a lasting ember as my boyfriend would call it cuz a fire can’t last forever right? I wanna keep it. I have hope. If anyone else feels the numbness I’d appreciate some relatability. It’s starting to ease up but with exam stress I just go right back and I’m worried it’s not love cuz of that lol. But yeah. A tiny bit of hope. I know the second I wake up tomorrow I’ll feel worse lol