Wave of anxiety

My mom and I are watching American horror story and before this, I knew Sarah Paulson was in it, I think she’s a wonderful actress but when I say her and pointed her out to my mom my brain said “yeah and she’s a known lesbian, you’d be happier like her” and I just got this entirely huge wave of anxiety and now I’m sweating. I’m so worried my bisexuality has been a farce this whole time and I don’t like men and even if I still do like men, why don’t I feel anything for my bf? We played terraria for a couple hours today and it was fun but it didn’t feel like we were more than friends. Maybe cuz I’m a bit stressed and obsessing. I found myself a bit bored while he was explaining( idk why, I’ve never played the game so I needed help lol. I can’t tell if I’ve actually fallen out of love with him or not. I’m so happy around him but I can’t tell if it’s as a friend. I’m scared about the future of our relationship and idk if it’s cuz I don’t want it or cuz I’m scared about having a family and worrying about blowing it up if I find out I’m a lesbian. I feel so awkward saying I love you to him and I’m worried it means I’ve realized it’s comphet. I’m still sweating. I’m wearing his sweater. I barely feel sad. I barely feel anxious. It feels like I’ve grieved the relationship and am just holding on. And part of me just wants to say I’m gay and end it but idk if that’s true. Pls help Idk what’s me or what’s ocd if it is even that help

Newerthannewb82

Date posted: 33w

Happy Christmas and no reassurance. 🙏

Anonymous

Date posted: 33w

Well first off, I'm pretty sure that Sarah Paulson is more fluid and I think that's an unfair thing to say to someone figuring out their identity. I went through something similar with worrying I wasn't really lesbian or wasn't really bisexual and tbh I still don't completely know what to call myself but I just am okay with that now. The only way I got better was not researching labels so much and reading forums and trying to figure out the truth. I think sometimes there are people in the queer community that can exacerbate these feelings by policing whether someone is lesbian enough or bi enough or just faking it. I don't feel like I can say whether you should or shouldn't stay in the relationship because I don't know the whole situation. Things are often much more complex than we want then to be but I feel for you because I was in the same place a year ago and I didn't think I would get better

LiaExe28

Date posted: 33w

@Anonymous I’m just scared I’ve been lying this whole time cuz it’s feeling like I’ve come to a realization but I haven’t cuz I do still have sexual attraction to my boyfriend, I think, and romantic, I think. Idk I feel really numb and I’m really stressed. I liked having bi as my label cuz it made sense cuz I do like men, I’m just really confused rn. Maybe it’s cuz we’re talking about marriage and I don’t wanna destroy our lives if I am wrong, and even if I do like men, what if I just don’t like him? I have for a year and a bit honestly and we’ve been dating for 10 months but now everything I do feels like it ain’t genuine and I feel nauseous and I’m scared it means I’m a lesbian but I think I’ve just been reading too many lesbian stories and internalizing them. I don’t feel as much physical anxiety about any of this. I’m just mentally losing my mind and sanity and I think it’s affecting my attraction. This used to clear up and I’d feel in love again but now it hasn’t cleared up since September and idk if it’s cuz it’s real feelings or if it’s cuz I keep googling and digging myself a deeper hole. I don’t really crave an outside relationship I don’t think? Idk how I would know if I do tbh. I wanna be with my bf but not if I’m not fully in love and committed to him. I’m worried that all my love for him has been comphet and idk what’s true anymore. And I’m scared of going through treatment cuz what if it results in me not loving him anymore. Am I just overly scared of the future or am I actually lying? Idk anymore. I feel nauseous sometimes talking to him and being genuine but that never used to happen and only started to happen cuz of this. I’m losing it. It feels like I only love him as a friend rn and idk if that’s a body numbing me out thing cuz it’s in fight or flight constantly or actually true and I know the key is uncertainty but I cannot handle that and I need an answer. My brain keeps yelling gay gay gay but I’m just bi. I’ve always enjoyed sec with him but what if I’m not actually enjoying it and am just tolerating it? I know I’m ruminating and thinking and googling and asking my mom for reassurance cuz idk what I’m thinking. I’m scared I’m lying I’m scared I don’t love him and idk what to do. What if I would be happier with a woman? What if I regret him? What if I fall out of love and realize my fears were true. I don’t wanna hurt him if I’m lying. I just wanna enjoy life again. I haven’t been able to enjoy sex properly with him cuz I’m so in my head and it reinforces the fear that I’m a lesbian. I just wish I could tell what’s really true. I used to envision us getting married and everything and now I can’t see anything and I’m so scared I’ll fall in love with one of my friends. I barely feel disgusted by the thoughts.I’m sorry for the ramble but I wanna give you at least some of a scope. How can I tell if I really wanna end the relationship for one reason or another? I just feel confused not unhappy

LiaExe28

Date posted: 33w

@Anonymous Also groinals, idk reading lesbians say things about their love for women gives me Groinals but not in a good way like I would get if I’m being sexual with my boyfriend. Idk what it means. Idk if it makes me excited to read this stuff, I just feel neutral and maybe a bit anxious if I do relate to smtjn. At this point I want to stop caring about my sexuality and not label myself but I’m worried without a label it’ll float and I won’t love my bf. I can’t imagine a happy life with him, or anyone tbh and idk if that’s an ROCD thing or if I just don’t like him anymore

Anonymous

Date posted: 33w

@LiaExe28 Well unfortunately labels are only really a band-aid and have very little to do with the dynamics of a specific relationship. I mean it's possible you relate to lesbians because you are also attracted to women so using that as a measure likely will only make you more anxious. I wouldn't jump to breaking up compulsively but I don't think you should completely rule out that maybe you're not that into him or things have changed. Ultimately, he's just one guy and there's no guarantee that even if you are completely not attracted to him, that you automatically are lesbian. Straight people can fall out of love and it doesn't indicate a change in sexual orientation. Or you might really be attracted to him only to find out down the line that you actually identify as lesbian. Unfortunately sexuality isn't that easy to predict and can be fluid so trying to force it to be uncomplicated will only make things harder. I've said I'm bi or pan or lesbian or mostly lesbian at different times and I don't feel that any of those times I was really wrong or it was a farce.

LiaExe28

Date posted: 33w

@Anonymous But I don’t wanna put my all into a relationship and then find out I was wrong about being attracted to him. Especially cuz we talked about marriage. And his family is Muslim so there’s some pressure on marriage thwre. I just don’t feel much lately and i feel guilty about it and idk if I’ve just fallen out of love or if I’m just in a rough mental patch. I’ve found myself getting annoyed lately. Or bored when we play games together. I’ve always been really into him but now I feel like I’m not and idk what to do. Idk anymore and I know relationships can run their course but I like this one. Or do I just like him cuz of comphet

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 19w

Soocd while in a relationship

Is anyone here going throughbSOOCD while being in a relationship? If yes, do you feel like “something is missing” even tho everything is great? My OCD keeps on telling me “you’re settling” or “yeah you’re happy with what you have but its nothing compared to what you would be feeling if you were with a girl, but you’re with your bf for society!” Im soo tired!! When I look at him I find him so attractive and handsome but i dont know if im attracted to him or if he’s just attractive!! And while growing up I was never “pulled by guys” but I thought that everyone was this way! I also used to look at girls because I found them Beautiful but I thought that everyone used to look at them this way! I think what truly bothering me is “comphet” and the “lesbian masterdoc”. Like I feel like I can relate to some points! Yes I used to choosw my crushes growing up but it felt like everyone used to do the same thing! As for my current bf, we started out as friend and then it turned into something else but now im scared I just agreed to being his gf because “that’s what I had to do” and im scared that he’s my “beard”. I particularly got triggered yesterday because my friends were talking about their celebrities crush and I couldnt think about anyone without forcing it! Instead I could easily think about kristen stewart or someone with the same vibe. All of this + my feelings must mean something no??? I just want to feel “in love” my bf is perfect!

Sexual Orientation OCD

Masc4lesb

Date posted: 16w

LESBIAN WITH SO-OCD

hi i’m a lesbian! and i have known im a lesbian for a really long time and i have a sweet girlfriend of 1 year. it all started when i saw this masc lesbian come out as straight, after that i had my guy friend over and he’s a sweet guy and he was flirting with me (he didn’t know i was gay) im not sure but i panicked and my brain froze and i was like “do i like him”, ever since my brain has been over worked 24/7 for 2 months now and it’s spiralling constantly. im trying to control it but all these thoughts are so disgusting and my brain tries to put him and i in scenarios that make me uncomfortable and i feel panic and i hate it. i have always been comfortable being a lesbian and i still am comfortable as a lesbian, but i dislike these thoughts i have about him and men and i want it to be over. i do not want to experiment with men even tho my brain is telling me i do, i find it disgusting and i dread it, i have a sweet girlfriend and i want to be with her forever, i do not imagine anything with any men and i hate these thoughts. im scared of becoming bisexual/straight one day and i hate hearing sexuality is fluid. its a whole mix of comphet and so-ocd

LiaExe28

Date posted: 14w

Couple of rough days - soocd

I’m like 90% sure I’m just bi, more romantically inclined to men, mainly my bf who I wanna marry. But now my brain is like “if you lean into liking women or keep circling and circling for answers you’ll lose all attraction to men and your bf. You’re practically already a lesbian” I feel so tense and anxious I will admit I am talking to chat gpt out of desperation I’m scared of losing all attraction to him I don’t wanna be thinking about women. I don’t unless I’m really stressed cuz when I’m stressed my ocd can take advantage of that I can usually ground myself when I’m in the city with him but I’m back home for most of the summer and I can’t be physically close to him which usually reminds me that hey this is real this is what I really want in life. Him But then I panic and question I haven’t been here in a while tbh. I’m worried I don’t feel enough. I don’t like magic Mike all that much, I like softer guys. But now the fact I don’t like/get turned on by random men on tv but do women in lingerie really stresses me out and makes me worry I’m truly a lesbian but I’m not. Once I started getting to know my bf and my ex bf’s I really did truly genuinely like them and wanted to make out and everything. Idk can anyone relate to the not liking big buff men All my brain is repeating rn is “when he dies you’ll be able to date a woman, when you break up you’ll only wanna date women” and it’s stressing me out. It’s making me nauseous. I was doing well for about a couple days after I initially left but being at home has been so incredibly draining This might give you a vision of how stressful home is: I’ve been on nexplanon for 7 months ish? Only had very minimal spotting during a stressful school period. Today: fully bleeding, like a usual period. I haven’t had my period since having it put in. I wanna go back to my bf so badly rn. I’m so worried I’m faking or don’t feel enough. I’m learning what a healthy relationship looks like and I’m terrified I’m gonna up and leave him when we’re older cuz I’ll finally figure out that I’m a lesbian or smthn. Idk. Someone pls just help me out a tad

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