Receiving gifts

So, my brain has latched onto this cuz it’s just past the holidays and Valentine’s Day is coming up Whenever my bf gets me a gift I worry I’m not excited enough. I love the gifts he gets me but it doesn’t fill me with excitement or overwhelming joy. I smile and hug him and say thank you. I’ve always been like that. Before I met him too. I do get excited if someone I have a crush on gets ne a gift (ie him) I got pumped about it before we started dating but once we started dating it was less excitement and just appreciation cuz he knows me well I think? Same goes for flowers. I’ve never gotten flowers from anyone. But when he got me flowers I got anxious at first cuz it was a surprise that he got mw them. He literally just turned around and boom. Bouquet of tulips. I stared at them for ages honestly. They were beautiful and I felt beautiful when he gave me them even tho I was in joggers and a sweater lol. He got me carnations over the summer and this was when my ROCD was bad so my brain was like “when you see him break up with him” then I saw the flowers and thought no I can’t do that. I don’t wanna do that. I’m worried I’m not getting enough butterflies in my stomach when it comes to gifts. He got me an incredibly personal gift for my birthday, a book that I love and snacks (tight budget. We’re uni students lol) but it made me so happy. I smiled genuinely. I was awkward but I’m always awkward when opening gifts in front of people. Idk. When he gave me gifts before we started dating maybe it gave me that adrenaline rush cuz it was like oh shit maybe he likes me back omg omg (clearly that was true) And my brain uses the lack of excitement about gifts (I do get excited just not very jumpy. He’s never gotten me smthn I hated.) as reasoning that a) I don’t love him and b) I’m gay and would appreciate a gift from a gf more. But even when my female friends give me gifts (Ik not the same but shh, evidence) I’m the same way. Even when family gets me gifts. Idk if it’s the fact I never got that many gifts growing up or I’m just socially awkward opening things in front of people but it’s panicking me a tad. This is making me worry that I won’t be excited about what he gets me for Valentine’s Day and our anniversary (the day before) and im gonna fake my reaction (which I don’t wanna do, I love him and his gifts) and that when he proposes in the future I won’t be excited about it. I have told him this. When I get anxious I analyze and it makes it hard for me to be excited cuz im analyzing if im excited enough. My brain is like you feel ugh around him. No I don’t?? I feel OOOOO around him. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach tho which is another place of panic. I feel them more in my groin. And I can tell they feel good. When I’m in a good headspace it’s when I say I love you or when I’m writing poetry about him. They’re different than arousal tho I think. I know we can get groin responses because of excitement. But my brain suddenly thought: what if this groinal response has been anxiety this whole time and you’ve never liked him and you’ve been mistaking anxiety for attraction. Speaking of arousal. Idk what sex in a long term relationship feels like. Im worried im zoning out or dissociating. Or im not attracted to him cuz I don’t feel butterflies in my stomach. Most times I have my eyes closed but im just bad at eye contact. Sex/intimacy has always been enjoyable but with this it feels like I feel nothing. Im worried I don’t like his body and it’s just comphet. Im worried I only like the pleasure I feel and not the person im doing it with. Idk. Im frekaed out. I’m worried I’m faking. I’m sweating at the thought of it. Sex has always been fun and consensual and hot. Idk. I’m worried that I’m losing attraction to him. I still get horny but sometimes my brain thinks stop cuz I won’t enjoy it. If we start going and he’s tying me up sometimes I’m checking to make sure I haven’t gotten dry or smthn but I know it’s just a matter of foreplay and outside stressors. One of which being school and also my Brain. If I’m too dry and it hurts too much I panic and break down thinking it means I’m gay. I’m also worried I don’t feel enough romantic feelings for him lately. We don’t do anything romantic besides cuddle/have sex when he’s around. School and stidying. He missed 2 exams so he’s been grinding to do the make ups so we haven’t gone out. We also play games together. I’m worried that I only feel platonic attraction to him and thag makes me a lesbian. But I can’t feel BUTTERLFIES all the time that’s unrealistic. Ik it’s subjective. Idk how to tell if I do love him romantically anymore. I’m so confused and a bit scared cuz the butterflies aren’t in my stomach thwyre in my groin occasionally but it’s not arousal. It’s just love. I do feel it in my chest sometimes and then my brain takes it and makes it anxiety making me think I’m not attracted to him. Idk. I feel insane lately I’m happy with him but am I happy/in love enough or at all??

Anonymous

Date posted: 31w

So, this is going to sound crazy. But I would recommend just chilling out. OCD wants to make things seem black and white. You either are sexually attracted to him, or you’re not. You’re either a good person, or you’re not. By analyzing your feelings and your relationship, you’re giving the ocd power. You’re searching for an answer that does not exist, and it’s feeding your ocd. I know it’s hard, but I would really try to get out of your head. Focus on being present, and when you start experiencing “what ifs” or having any thoughts about the relationship (good or bad) try to redirect your attention to what you are doing in the moment. Accept that you’re never going to live in a black and white world no matter how badly your ocd craves that. Everything you’re saying sounds like ocd to me which means it’s not you experiencing all these confusing things. It’s all your disorder.

LiaExe28

Date posted: 31w

@Anonymous I just feel insane. I’ve never been in a relationship for this long so idk what’s normal. I know I need to chill out desperately. I just. I can’t. I wanna be sure I love him so I don’t do smthn that results in heartbreak on either end

LiaExe28

Date posted: 31w

The same goes for nicknames too actually. Only when he tries to use a Portuguese one on me verbally. If it’s over text I get all smiley. Idk if it’s the anxiety of him not pronouncing it right. It’s kinda why I don’t do the Arabic ones out loud. I don’t wanna mispronounce anything😭it feels mean to me to say smthn improperly and maybe I’m applying that to him

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 19w

Soocd while in a relationship

Is anyone here going throughbSOOCD while being in a relationship? If yes, do you feel like “something is missing” even tho everything is great? My OCD keeps on telling me “you’re settling” or “yeah you’re happy with what you have but its nothing compared to what you would be feeling if you were with a girl, but you’re with your bf for society!” Im soo tired!! When I look at him I find him so attractive and handsome but i dont know if im attracted to him or if he’s just attractive!! And while growing up I was never “pulled by guys” but I thought that everyone was this way! I also used to look at girls because I found them Beautiful but I thought that everyone used to look at them this way! I think what truly bothering me is “comphet” and the “lesbian masterdoc”. Like I feel like I can relate to some points! Yes I used to choosw my crushes growing up but it felt like everyone used to do the same thing! As for my current bf, we started out as friend and then it turned into something else but now im scared I just agreed to being his gf because “that’s what I had to do” and im scared that he’s my “beard”. I particularly got triggered yesterday because my friends were talking about their celebrities crush and I couldnt think about anyone without forcing it! Instead I could easily think about kristen stewart or someone with the same vibe. All of this + my feelings must mean something no??? I just want to feel “in love” my bf is perfect!

Sexual Orientation OCD

LiaExe28

Date posted: 14w

Couple of rough days - soocd

I’m like 90% sure I’m just bi, more romantically inclined to men, mainly my bf who I wanna marry. But now my brain is like “if you lean into liking women or keep circling and circling for answers you’ll lose all attraction to men and your bf. You’re practically already a lesbian” I feel so tense and anxious I will admit I am talking to chat gpt out of desperation I’m scared of losing all attraction to him I don’t wanna be thinking about women. I don’t unless I’m really stressed cuz when I’m stressed my ocd can take advantage of that I can usually ground myself when I’m in the city with him but I’m back home for most of the summer and I can’t be physically close to him which usually reminds me that hey this is real this is what I really want in life. Him But then I panic and question I haven’t been here in a while tbh. I’m worried I don’t feel enough. I don’t like magic Mike all that much, I like softer guys. But now the fact I don’t like/get turned on by random men on tv but do women in lingerie really stresses me out and makes me worry I’m truly a lesbian but I’m not. Once I started getting to know my bf and my ex bf’s I really did truly genuinely like them and wanted to make out and everything. Idk can anyone relate to the not liking big buff men All my brain is repeating rn is “when he dies you’ll be able to date a woman, when you break up you’ll only wanna date women” and it’s stressing me out. It’s making me nauseous. I was doing well for about a couple days after I initially left but being at home has been so incredibly draining This might give you a vision of how stressful home is: I’ve been on nexplanon for 7 months ish? Only had very minimal spotting during a stressful school period. Today: fully bleeding, like a usual period. I haven’t had my period since having it put in. I wanna go back to my bf so badly rn. I’m so worried I’m faking or don’t feel enough. I’m learning what a healthy relationship looks like and I’m terrified I’m gonna up and leave him when we’re older cuz I’ll finally figure out that I’m a lesbian or smthn. Idk. Someone pls just help me out a tad

Mariabae

Date posted: 10w

i need someone to respond rocd

Today, my boyfriend — who usually doesn’t post much — made a really sweet TikTok with me. He used a trend where he called me his princess and posted it on Close Friends. It was thoughtful and loving… but I felt nothing. And that terrified me. Last night, I looked at him while we were lying in bed and had a thought: “I lost feelings. I don’t like him anymore.” It hit me like a wave, and since then I’ve been so scared that this is all the proof I need that I don’t love him. The worst part? I’m not feeling any positive emotions at all. No joy. No spark. No connection. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to feel something — anything — and I just can’t. I’m scared that the numbness means the love is gone. I’m scared I never truly loved him. I’m scared I’ve just been coping all this time, forcing it. I feel like the relationship is fake, like I’m fake, and everything is falling apart. And still… he keeps showing up for me. He’s loving, kind, and consistent. He tells me how much he loves me. But I can’t feel the warmth anymore, and I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m miserable, I feel like a shell, and I’m terrified that this is my truth — that I don’t love him and I’m just in denial. I need help. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living in this constant fear, panic, and emotional numbness. I don’t know what to trust anymore — the thoughts, the feelings, or the memories that feel blurry. Has anyone felt this too?

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