Hey:) I just want to vent

I have not once felt loved by my mom. Growing up she was always emotionally distant and would get mad at me so easily (and still does). She has threatened multiple times when I was younger that she would hit me (and has once even though she apologized) She yells at me for the dumbest things. I’m 25 and still live at home because I am a full time college student and I can’t afford to move out with the job I have. She’s not my biological mother because she adopted me when I was born and took me away from my biological parents who I was told would be a bad situation to put me in and took me out of it. She is technically my aunt, my biological father’s sister. My father apparently didn’t get along with her growing up and treated her badly. I never even met him after I was really little and he had visitation rights. He passed away in 2013 so I never really got to be around him or know him or vice versa. She talks bad about him and you can tell she hated my biological father but I feel like she carries that hate onto me also even though I have never done anything to her. She’s even told me I’m like him when I have no idea how that’s possible if we didn’t have a relationship. She gets mad when I’m sick and if I even open up about how I feel about something she shuts me down and tells me that it’s my fault. She’s called me so many names that have torn me apart to the point I absolutely hate myself and didn’t even want to be around anymore. She scares me sometimes when she gets angry and I just don’t know what I ever done to make her hate me. Recently I ended up having Covid (for the second time) and she didn’t even care. She told me I was fine and that it was all in my head. I rarely can stick up for myself but when I told her she never believes me when I’m sick and needed to be more compassionate she said “f u” and ever since things have been worse. Growing up whenever I would achieve something she didn’t care. I was in orchestra growing up and during my concerts she would always be on her phone not paying attention and then afterwards didn’t say a thing when my grandma and dad would make comments. I don’t know if I’m overthinking this and I don’t know if any of it is considered wrong on her part or if I’m the problem. Before my dad (her husband and only father figure I’ve ever had) passed away, he made me promise to forgive her but I don’t think I can. I will always remember how hurt she’s made me feel. I have always felt hated by my mom. Now I feel like I hate her and I feel so much guilt for that. I wish I could get away but unfortunately I can’t. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. It’s a pain I would never wish on anyone. She posts on social media about peoples behavior but yet she acts that way in private and that’s what has triggered all of this because how can you post on social media about people acting that way or saying that what you say to people matters but yet you do that too. I’m sorry to vent like this but I have no one to go to. This is my only safe place 💔

I’ve got ocd (lol obs) and I’ve always had it, and I’ve tried to tell my mom so many times. I’m 17, and for years I’ve had so many horrific (what I call) flare ups. And it sometimes feels like a bingo game w the amount of types I’ve had. Sometimes I really do just wish I could go to my mom and say “mom I’ve got ocd and it’s really bad atm and I just wanna be okay again because I know it’s ocd but I’m sick of it being there can I please please get some help please it’s not okay please get me some help.” The ironic part is she’s a frigging nurse. And she must just be in some kinda denial. I’m just kinda waiting for this part to pass, I’ve made it 17 years w nobody to help me. I’ve only just told my friends what it’s like but I said things that weren’t currently in my flare up. I swear I’m on the verge of being sectioned for psychosis at this point. But I have made it this far- it will go away at some point on its own. But why won’t my mom help me. Why’s she so defensive- (I know why just like “why oh why won’t she. Yk?) but she’s so blinded by no no it’s all okay everything is okay. I’m sat in my room thinking the only way I could make her see- mom I rly am not okay is if I k*//ed myself. Like, then she’ll be like “…ohhh so she wasn’t okaaay” 💀🥹 if any one person could read this, and just type that it’s okay or something not as obs and generic as “it’s okay” but like just something to show someone’s listened. Thanks. I’ll ignore my trust issues, it’s an ocd app we’re all out here struggling but thanks x🤍🤌

Is it ocd or is it denial I don't get what ifs and I wasn't diagnosed with ocd I went to the pych twice and part me just doesn't want to be tru that I'm might be a p and using ocd just for me not to believe it. Im going to go again and if they say I am a p I'm going to end it because that's a scary thought and I'm also worried about my relationship with my boyfriend he is 6 years younger then me and I'm 27 and he's 21 I met him when he was 19 turning 20 and I was 25 turning 26. I'm tired and I don't want sympathy I just needed to type this out it's been getting on my nerves a lot and I think everyday of breaking up with him fear of judgement. He does act very immature I don't know what do with my life myself and the people around me and making friends is not my cup of tea everytime im around new people I feel like I'm hiding a big secret and I don't want to get close to anyone and just makes me feel bitter because people just be normal and not have these intrusive thoughts pop up and lm like why me why why me. And I just push everyone away I can't stand myself either I'm fat and eating is what really what makes me happy no one knows what I go through and I can't talk about it I'm afraid of getting shunned or that I won't get better and actually seek help that I know I need I've feel like I have no control over my life I'm 27 no job I don't have my own place my sisters are doing better then me I probably sound selfish I want to get better and it if is just ocd it would be a sigh of relief and I can work through my issues. I have more I want to say but this part of my truth