- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 28w
My Journey with OCD!
OCD Conqueror Story For most of my life, I didn’t know I had OCD—I just knew something didn’t feel right. In high school, I’d spend hours practicing sports moves until they felt “just right,” but it never truly felt like enough. At the time, I didn’t realize these behaviors were connected to something deeper. It wasn’t until years later, while working, that I noticed similar patterns creeping into other parts of my life. I’d rehearse procedures endlessly in my mind, terrified of making a mistake. These thoughts felt inescapable, like a storm I couldn’t control. Things got worse after I confessed to my fiancée about interactions I’d hidden during our relationship. Overwhelmed by guilt, I became obsessed with making sure I hadn’t done anything wrong. I replayed every conversation in my mind, questioned people I’d talked to, and begged for reassurance that I hadn’t crossed a line. The cycle consumed me, leaving me exhausted and afraid of my own mind. As time went on, my thoughts became darker and more terrifying. POCD (Pedophilic OCD) brought fears that left me paralyzed. I couldn’t see kids in bathing suits without panicking over what my mind might suggest. Suicidal OCD convinced me that, because I had thoughts about dying, I must want to die. But I didn’t—I just wanted the thoughts to stop. The fear of what my mind might say next left me unable to trust myself. I was hospitalized twice, spiraling over thoughts no one seemed to understand. I’ll never forget one about holding a janitor hostage and stealing his keys to escape. I didn’t want to act on it, but the thought terrified me. I felt invisible and completely alone, scared of my own mind. These thoughts bled into my next relationship, where dark times of Relationship OCD (ROCD) took hold. I constantly questioned how I truly felt, doubting if I loved her enough or if the relationship was right. These thoughts led me to repeatedly call things off, unable to separate OCD’s doubts from reality. When I finally started ERP therapy for the first time, it was overwhelming and terrifying. But it helped me begin confronting my fears. One of my hardest exposures was playing songs I had avoided for years because of intrusive thoughts. I cried when I finally played one—it felt like reclaiming a part of myself I thought I’d lost forever. My life started to change when I found NOCD and began working with Paulina, my therapist. She was the first person who truly understood me. She stayed on the call as I faced triggers, like looking at pictures of families at the beach. Paulina helped me continue the hard work of ERP, guiding me through the most difficult moments and teaching me how to sit with uncertainty. Through ERP therapy, I’ve learned that my thoughts don’t define me. Facing your worst fears is never easy, but every step forward brought me closer to freedom. NOCD saved my life, and I want others to know they’re not alone. Help is out there!