My ROCD is driving me away from my boyfriend

I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?

captain_kapai

Date posted: 4w ago

I would consider it completely natural and common for humans to masturbate, no matter whether they are in a relationship or not.

Matlock

Date posted: 4w ago

No I agree, I just don't like that he looks at other women

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28d ago

I’m sorry this is weighing so heavily on you. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of uncertainty that isn’t going away. I understand what it’s like to be in those cycles. When your boyfriend reassures you, do you find yourself feeling temporary relief, before the drive to question him kicks in? If so, you may be caught in compulsive cycles. I am not familiar with porn addiction, but being with a partner with any kind of addiction is not easy. Add OCD to the mix, and it makes it so much harder. I really sympathize with you. To answer your question about dealing with this - ERP therapy will get you to where you want to be. You’ll learn how to tolerate uncertainty and follow your values. Do you consider seeking a therapist?

Matlock

Date posted: 27d ago

Unfortunately I couldn't handle it anymore and I did break up with him for good. After he reassures me I do feel temporary relief before feeling the need to question him again. I do want to see a therapist, very much. I don't want to repeat this relationship with someone else. What is ERP therapy? How would I get started?

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27d ago

@Matlock - ERP therapy is explained here: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-erp-therapy-ocd-exposure-response-prevention In a nutshell, it’s considered the gold standard type of therapy for OCD. You work with a therapist who is actually trained to treat OCD (vs a typical talk therapist), to identify and address your fears, intrusive thoughts, obsessions, and compulsions. You come up with a plan to address those things, and continue to work your distress down. To get started, you can contact NOCD. You can schedule an intro call (just go to the website, and click Schedule a free call. They can help you find a therapist, and give you information. I started ERP therapy almost 3 years ago. It was the best gift I ever gave myself. You will find so much confidence and value in yourself. ROCD isn’t one of my themes, but ERP has helped me navigate relationships with a clearer mind. I hope this helps ❤️

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 2d ago

Hi there! Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your concerns with the community. I see there are several very helpful responses. To add onto Michelle V's post, many people living with OCD find ERP to be helpful in reducing the intensity of OCD. However, I also understand feeling hesitant to see a therapist. As Michelle suggested, consider calling our care team at care@nocdhelp.com. They will do a free call with you to talk about how we may be able to help. There is no requirement to sign up for therapy once you do the phone call. It is completely up to you. In the meantime, NOCD has a Podcast on YouTube called "Get to Know OCD." You can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/@treatmyocd. You may be able to find more tips there. Take care!

Jellybeans1234

Date posted: 25w ago

Understanding ROCD

hey, my boyfriend recently came to me and opened up to me about him thinking he has ROCD. i am trying my absolute hardest to understand it all, and came to the realization that i might have it too. we have been dating for almost 2 years now and we’ve been on such a good streak lately if that’s what you want to call it. the bad times aren’t truthfully bad at all. but i get so anxious when he goes out to the bars without me every weekend. and then he gets anxious because of how i respond too it. so basically im just asking for some tips i guess, because i truthfully do think he is the one and could spend the rest of my life with him. but there has got to be an easy way to get past this.

anonymous_an...

Date posted: 9w ago

Questioning is it normal?

Sometimes I get really upset with my boyfriend and I can’t tell if I’m not having my needs met or if it’s my ROCD questioning things. I can’t express that I’m upset because he rlly doesn’t understand what is going on in my head and most times I bring it up it’s turned into an argument. It is really frustrating does anyone have any tips on deciphering this stuff or dealing with the upset feeling/ bad thoughts (IE: “He’s cheating on me and that’s why he’s not texting.”) (IE: “He’s talking like this because he just doesn’t love me, and he’s not attracted to me. He clearly wants to leave me but doesn’t have the heart to do it yet”)

Jennaffuur

Date posted: 4w ago

Rocd

Does Rocd make it nearly impossible to forgive your partner for anything. Whether it is big or small? My situation is so gray area where there’s something my bf did that I feel like I’m not okay with but he did this when we were first dating (not bf and gf yet). I ruminate all day about it bc I don’t want to lose him and see a future with him and I know he loves me so purely. But I also feel like I’m going against my morals here bc I do feel betrayed by what he did. I try to forgive him by diminishing my feelings and telling myself “he never did anything physical with a girl or went out with another girl while we were together” but still feel so hurt that he even messaged another girl while us dating. He’s given me an explanation and has proved how much I can trust him so I’m just completely stuck on whether I should forgive something I know I would’ve never done to him or leave him even though the only thing he’s done wrong was before us becoming official. I’ve broken up with him countless times over this situation bc I feel like I “can’t live with it” but then immediately when we break up I want him back and I kind of understand his explanation and reasoning. I don’t know what is ocd and what is my real intuition anymore. I genuinely think it’s both. Are any of you guys in the same boat?

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My ROCD is driving me away from my boyfriend

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