- Date posted
- 26w
Valentines Day Blues and Reflecting On My Life
Hello everybody! I know Valentine’s Day was yesterday but hear me out haha… Ever since my first boyfriend left me 3 years ago (along with the embarrassment of never having been able to get into another long term relationship…), Valentine’s Day has always been a stressful and depressing holiday for me. Being 23 and seeing many of the people I went to high school with getting married or even starting families makes me so unbelievably depressed. Don’t get me wrong! I’m so happy for these people, I just wish I could experience what they’re having too… My OCD loves to focus back onto my ex whom I haven’t spoken to or even seen in a little over 3 years (except recently when a childhood friend of mine posted a picture with him skiing). It frequently obsesses and conjures up very distressing and painful scenarios about him starting a family and getting married while I remain alone for the rest of my life. I still love him and always hoped I would’ve started a family with him. I know…it’s incredibly far-fetched and naïve thinking. I have gone on several dates and even got decently far in one relationship, but it only lasted for a few months due to some life changes. But nothing ever came close to my first relationship. In the spring of 2023, I had an incredibly bad crash out that left me an emotional and physical disaster. My health started to decline, I couldn’t keep up in university and had to drop out and move back in with my parents, and my mental health completely shattered after I found out my first boyfriend had moved on with someone else. So many things started to fall apart in my life that I contemplated taking my own life. I gave myself a year to fix everything, and if I failed, I planned to buy a gun and shoot myself in my car. While I managed to overcome most of my failings, there was still so much that was affected by my breakdown. I used to be pretty active (I was a runner and a weight lifter), and now I’m very sedentary. I find no joy in the things I used to love doing, I often feel tired and unmotivated. I do nothing all day, and I’m ashamed. Some days it’s even hard to want to bathe myself. All I do is sleep and engage in compulsive stimming (rocking back and forth in a chair and maladaptive daydreaming). I also have autism, so that plays a portion with the stimming. Rocking has always been a major problem for me, it overtakes my whole life; I spend hours engaging in this behavior and nothing has helped…. I finally got accepted into nursing school yet I feel no joy, it’s a private school so I’ll be shelling out a shit ton of money which scares me. I love being a nursing assistant, so this has nothing to do with not having passion. Helping people, even on here; reassuring people when I can, is the only joy I get nowadays. I know this is my calling, I’m just not happy in my life right now. I miss being active and being in university…I feel so isolated and lazy (lowkey a hermit) nowadays. And it scares me because I find myself not caring sometimes. I’ve never been so sedentary before…I’ve always been somewhat of a homebody but never to this extent. I don’t even like driving anymore or going outside. I feel so ashamed and unhappy…I don’t make a lot of money right now even though I live with my parents so it feels even more isolating. I just feel like a failure and I’m afraid I’ll never be able to get out of this rut. There’s so many things I want to do in my life yet I have no motivation and I’m too broke to go anywhere or sign up for anything…it’s genuinely frustrating. Anyways…thank you for hearing me out!! 🫶