1 year later

On this day 1 year ago, I had my first appointment with NOCD. The weeks prior I had begun doubting my sexuality, but not in a healthy way. A way, where I was crying almost every single day. A way where I could barely eat. A way where I just felt like someone completely else. I was ruminating 24/7. When I was out in public I could not stop analyzing if I was looking at a man or a woman more. I was googling almost non stop on my phone, and so so much more. Days kept getting worse and worse. I could barely make it through a day at work, and when I was working from home I would crawl under my desk and nap for decent periods of time (something I usually don’t do). One day, when my wife met me for lunch at work, I broke down, telling her these persistent thoughts that were plaguing my in regards to my sexuality, how it had been going on for weeks, but that I think it was something I experience 7 years ago (at the time) called HOCD. Years prior, during my last battle with HOCD/SOOCD, I was diagnosed with GAD during a night stay in a monitored mental ward. I discovered that it was SOOCD weeks later while taking a test online at work, but I overlooked the last three letters OCD. That period of time haunted me, for years while OCD tormented me in other ways, all the while I was oblivious to what was really going on, instead thinking I was just anxious. That time of untreated OCD and the many years prior to then before I had any realization of what was going on was perfect fuel for the fire of doubt that OCD loves to keep burning. Last year, I always thought of the spot I hoped to be in next year, but never did I imagine that I would exceed even that goal. ERP therapy truly revolutionized my life and has help me find peace that I hadn’t done before for years! If you are someone who is considering therapy or just started therapy, I highly encourage you to do so/keep going. (Trigger warning but push through it) You might be reading this post hoping that I can give you a step by step process of how I have learned to overcome OCD, but I can’t. I wish I could tell you that the thoughts and doubts will go away, but for my experience they don’t. I wish I could tell you that each day will get easier, but I can’t do that either. I still have the feelings and thoughts of doubt when it comes to my sexuality, whether I truly love my wife, whether the medicine I take is actually keeping me trapped in a false reality etc. I would love if they didn’t happen at all, but conquering OCD is not about stopping the thoughts (because that is an impossible goal), it’s learning to live with the thoughts, feelings and doubt and not feeding them. If you’re here it’s because you have OCD. You will doubt that you have OCD because you have OCD. You would love if there was someway to confirm with absolute certainty if your fear is true or not because you have OCD. No matter what you want to do to achieve that certainty, it will only be a matter of time before you doubt it and go down the rabbit hole again. You have an illness, the doubting disorder, and it sucks. It really f****** sucks! BUT you can live a happy life with it. OCD is a liar and a bully who wants nothing more than to keep you engaged with it. It’ll take time, a lot of time, to learn to live with this disorder, to live with that uncomfortable what if feeling, but you can do it! You will have bad days as you start getting better. Not every day will be better than the rest and you’ll want to do therapy completely right, but you won’t. This illness unfortunately takes time and effort to deal with, but you can deal with it. Be kind to yourself and keep on pushing yourself. You are not alone in this fight!