Back to struggling

I posted yesterday that I was feeling better than usual, now I’m not. I knew it could happen that I start to feel bad again. I’ve been feeling like this is the worst it’s been so far but that can’t be true because nothing has changed I’m always afraid of doing something bad, have done something bad, or are capable of doing something bad. I posted a TW on this post just in case. My main thing is I’m afraid of being a certain kind of bad person. I won’t mention it I know people will understand probably who I mean. I know it’s an OCD type, and I’ve been looking up different instances of people with this same subtype and sometimes I find someone in my same situation and I feel relief, for a moment at least. But then I think I might be different. I’m seeing my therapist Friday, and I’m always nervous talking to them because I want to not sound like I’m crazy. Sometimes I’m like you must’ve done something bad to feel this way or, you’re a bad person and should feel bad. There’s so much I wish I could do to help with this. I fall back into a spiral anytime I feel better because I feel like why would I feel good now if I wasn’t before. Sorry for the rant everyone. I just feel bad now and I’m worried I’ll never feel normal again. Hopefully someone else has felt or feels the same. I want to not feel like this, I wish I could go back to when I was young and undiagnosed to get the correct diagnosis early. I feel like my meds aren’t helping anymore which is concerning because like my anxiety should be gone right? Idk, and idk why I have felt really good recently but now after spiraling I’m back at it. Sometimes I’m worried it’s not ocd even though I have plenty of signs AND was officially diagnosed. Again sorry for the long post, just needed to air out how I felt

[Deleted]

Date posted: 24w

Comment deleted by user

monte333

Date posted: 24w

@literatureandpumpkinsx It’s hard man, it’s really hard. I’m trying my best to keep everything together. Idk I feel like this time it’s worse because I used to not think about all these things until like July of last year when it got it’s worse. And since it’s been on and off. I just feel like this has to be different yah know? I’ll do my best to keep my head up.

XxGummibearxX

Date posted: 24w

I relate to this and a lot of the themes you shared and it’s hard for me because it feels like im just comforting myself out of like being a bad person ?? Something I use to reframe my thoughts (I can’t access therapy rn) is like a lot of what makes a person bad is tied to actions and lack of response or accountability/experience of consequences :: I get afraid that mentally I can’t process being a bad person so I just am delusional about any of my good qualities and then I realize it’s harmful to try to be a good person but locating my unmoving morals has helped a bit to help define who I am at my core even when I cause harm or inconvenience

Yana Eve

Date posted: 25w

Does anyone else feel like this?

Last week I was so obsessed about feeling better I wanted to feel better and I was in a constant state of panic. This week I'm still anxious but not as much and I've been obsessing about losing control/losing my mind or having some other mental illness that isn't ocd. I've also been thinking "what if i don't want to feel better" "what if this is how I am supposed to feel" "what if this is how I'm supposed to feel and how I normally feel is me living in ignorance". I'm also worried that I'm manipulating everyone around me unto thinking that I have ocd when im really just a horrible person, or the opposite of having thoughts that are like "You think you're better than everyone else". I'm stressed out about these thoughts and feelings but I feel like I'm not anxious enough about them and that makes me think that I'm losing control. I feel numb but also anxious at the same time and I don't know how to explain the way I feel but it's scary. Even writing this makes me feel like I'm manipulating people into thinking I have ocd when I really don't and I'm just a horrible awful human. I just want to feel better and I know that but my brain is trying to convince me I don't

Catlove9

Date posted: 22w

I need guidance or to feel like I am not alone

I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 19w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Back to struggling

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community