Less of an OCD post but advice needed urgently

hi this is my first post on here and I’m in desperate need for anyone to hear me out and offer support or advice or just about anything even though I’m fully aware reassurance is a nono A little about me : early 20s, straight female (my soocd would disagree lol) and mild to moderate autism I started seeing an ocd therapist a couple months ago and she was lovely. I was coming out of a difficult period of my life where I had stopped my ssri and that decision bit me in the ass because my ocd came back in full force (soocd, real event, pocd, rocd, pure ocd thoughts, statements, etc ) For the most part all of my themes have settled but today my rocd has struck so hard I can barely function, I’ve been a crying wreck all day feeling sick with shame and guilt over my fears with my bf and not finding him attractive all the time or when I notice other attractive men and sometimes I question if he is it for me because he is my first everything so I have nothing to compare to and all these thoughts are so overwhelming (even normal curiosity about dating other people freaks me out) I love him so much (at least i think i can never be 100% certain) and that’s what *obviously* scares me. No one here can tell me how I feel but I’m just so scared and the guilt and shame is eating me alive Another trigger of mine is the fact he wasn’t my type physically when we first met (we weren’t dating then) but overtime I started to like him a lot his personality complimented mine and he became attractive to me and I felt all the lovey feelings and excitement Essentially I’m scared I don’t really love him because if I truly did I wouldn’t notice or fixate on his physical flaws or the things he does or doesn’t do that bother me sometimes I try to think logically he probably has similar thoughts about me but doesn’t bat an eyelid Im just so tired and I can’t see my therapist till Friday :((

I’ll preface by saying he’s a brutally honest guy who doesn’t feel like there’s anything wrong with being honest. But um… yeah. He says I concentrate on the bad too much instead of all the good. I said I feel the bad is still there lingering during the good. He doesn’t compliment me like my previous boyfriends have unless I’m absolutely dressed to the nines, and even then, I can barely get it out of him. I’m a few years older than him. The other day, I asked him if he is sacrificing being with his type to be with me, and without missing a beat, he said “yes.” Basically, his type would be skinnier, younger, hotter than me (shocker, I know). I showed him a photo of myself that I liked, and he said “meh.” I tried to be confident and said, “well, I know it’s good, and that’s all that matters.” He asked what I liked about it, and I said my cheekbones looked good. He said he “only saw cheeks.” I said, “yeah… kinda hard to see cheekbones without seeing the cheeks…” He then proceeded to poke at my face/double chin, and when I asked what he’s doing, he said, “Trying to find the bones.” In the same convo, he said he hasn’t wanted to sleep with me because of my weight. Said he wishes he could see my waist more. I’m 10 pounds heavier than I was when we met, and that’s nothing. He’s gained way more in this relationship, but I don’t give him shit about it. He says “well maybe you should.” But I’m not gonna go insulting him just because he insults me. When I tell him it makes me feel bad, he says, “well I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad, so…” Anyway, I know it’s not just ROCD. I deserve better than this. But ROCD still makes me question myself. Mad af at him ngl

Ive been struggling with really bad ROCD for a year now and im in the healthiest relationship ive ever had. I cant even go to a therapist because im a medical student and i dont have the money for it yet. My boyfriend is a really decent amazing respectful man and he has been tolerating my re assurance seeking behavior for a long time. And yesterdays fit finally threw him off and he said he isnt scared to loose me anymore because, he wants a life with me but not a life where every action he makes is questioned even when his intentions are always pure. Im always asking him, does he look at other girls does he get horny when he sees a naked woman in a movie to all which he said No. he doesnt because he has never sexualized anyone. He doesnt find anyone else attractive either other than me because hes in love with me and i believe it because i know he is genuine. But i keep asking him questions its draining me out and its draining him too because of me . I am scared that im sabotaging the only good thing i have in my life. I love this man so much. That said theres things i had to constantly ask for too for example instead of just letting me keep asking, give me a heart felt assurance when i start relapsing with the questions and when i start doing better acknowledge it. Because it will make me feel better and ill try even more to sit with the uncertainty of everything and trust him whole heartedly. And that small things matter to me. We have even come to a middle ground when it comes to movies with severely explicit nudity and he already agreed to it (hes a movie nerd). I am constantly on the brink and edge of just giving in to the thoughts and asking him every now and then . But he is so fed up of me he said Its ruining his mental health and that he knows its twice in intensity for me but its not the kind of life he wants with someone he genuinely loves even after trying alot of things for me. Guys please i dont want to loose him. I want someone to be scared of loosing me and i feel like i have taken that away from him. I dont know what to do please . I love him so much. I know he loves me too he told me if i start relapsing he will do his best to provide me with assurance but if it keeps persisting after that it wont work. Because thats not a good life to lead in the future. It has gotten so bad to the point that everytime i have to ask he reacts like hes being held at gun point. And i hate seeing him like that because of me. I cannot handle loosing him. He sound really cold now and its scaring me alot. I need proper help from some of you please just give me some advice.