anyone else?

maybe a therapist can respond or anyone who relates and experiences this also?? im trying to make sense . ever since ocd started, specifically harm ocd and pocd, sexual themes ocd in general, my brain makes everything sexual or gross. or just makes inappropriate connections with quite literally anything. or any person I see I wonder if they are a p, or if they are “like me”, because im fully convinced at times that im some weird or bad person, and then when i see actual criminals etc i cant help but compare myself to them it’s so weird?????? or sometimes I feel like i cant judge a p because im no different than them?? idk its so weird. rn writing this ik im not a p like what im just struggling with really bad ocd and trauma I hope :( It’s just my brain distorts everything and then it makes me feel worse, like “ur an actual p or pervert because see??? ur brain is sexualizing everything?” hopefully this makes sense

Blueberrycows

Date posted: 21w

100 % OCD …..trauma or no trauma … not trying to reassure you but a true P wouldn’t have the thoughts of maybe I am ? They have more so thoughts of I absolutely 100 % KNOW I am and it doesn’t bother me and I don’t care … there’s a difference

dee012

Date posted: 21w

@Blueberrycows Thank you for responding.. I appreciate it. For my erp, my therapist says to say maybe maybe not. She says maybe things shes done makes her a p, maybe not, maybe she will be a p in the future, maybe not. Like stuff like that, and when I try to do it it sucks you know, because I am not ok with that uncertainty. It will always bother me so that’s no doubt. But sometimes I do feel like I 100 Percent know im a bad person/p. It’s not ALL the time but when it does happen im fully convinced. Dunno if this makes sense

Blueberrycows

Date posted: 21w

@dee012 No I understand what you’re saying no worries and yep you’re just going to have to sit with it … eventually your anxiety will lower…. Ever seen the hoarding shows? Hoarding is a part of OCD I believe and as time goes on their anxiety about their stuff goes from 10 to 9 to 8 to about a 4 or 3 sometimes lower so the uncomfortable and uncertainty feelings won’t last forever but also in erp you shouldn’t just jump in the deep end … take it one step at a time … because as you know reassurance is just a band aid and as I said I agree with your therapist

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21w

Here is the thing about OCD. its not the thoughts that are the problem, its how we feel in response to them. the " maybe, maybe not" is NOT ACTUALLY to suggest you might or not be a pedophile. its simply a technique used to try to train your brain to realize these thoughts are so irrational that they SHOULD be treated with indifference. Think about it, all OCD themes imply pretty awful things, from being a pedophile to hurting someone, to cheating, to hurting yourself. If these thoughts WERE ACTUALLY important, no therapist in their right mind would EVER suggest that you treat that with indifference. I feel like this message is not given enough importance when trying to use ERP. the uncertainty IS NOT ACTUALLY about if you are or are not a bad person, its uncertainty in general and unfortunately the disorder of OCD is where we get tunnel vision about the worst case scenarios. In reality, EVERYTHING is uncertain. but MAYBE does NOT mean PROBABLY, it simply means POSSIBLE and when you keep that in mind, EVERYTHING is possible. it IS POSSIBLE I'm a pedophile... but its PROBABLY not true, it is POSSIBLE ill unalive someone by the end of the day, but its PROBALY not true. you HAVE to train you brain to ACCEPT that EVERYTHING is possible, but MOST of it is NOT PROBABLE. so your therapist is trying to have you learn this and train your brain to say " its POSSIBLE I'm a pedophile, like .0001% possible, but its 99.999% the case that I'm PROBABLY not. and that is true for every single person on the planet. you are also hyper focused on sexualizing everything because your OCD is forcing that. Its making you try to test your thoughts and your feelings because you have shown it that you WILL pay attention to irrational and illogical thoughts.

dee012

Date posted: 21w

@TexasOCD41 This makes a lot of sense thank you. I need to not give much meaning to the thoughts and that includes trying to avoid them. I am not certain about anything, I could die as im typing this but I would not know, you know? I do not want that to happen, but I can’t control if it does and that’s the same with my thoughts. The issue is me responding to them and also doing compulsions, then im attaching meaning and giving myself something to worry about more. With time this will get better I need to stop compulsively posting and asking chat gpt stuff Certainty is such an issue for me But I have a life to live, I have pets to take care of , friends to make, time to spend with my family, and I also need to be a real adult soon.. so like.. I can’t let all of this hold me back. It’s unfair to myself especially Thank you for taking time out of your day to respond

dee012

Date posted: 25w

Feels like idk myself:(

A little sad and down. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I grew up with trauma, made mistakes, dealt and still deal with hyper sexuality, and my ocd is so bad. All of this makes me feel tainted, like a weird bad person. I hate being around people and even talking to therapist bc I feel like ive successfully fooled them. Also, I recently saw a POCD hate train on TikTok so now I just feel like a fraud. I get all these thoughts and feelings that im just using ocd as a mask because I actually am a bad person.. and that im some sicko or something, and also my brain tells me and I go back and forth with myself about “oh you just have morals because you don’t want to be shunned from society, and if you were to have no rules you would do disturbing things” and I know I wouldn’t, because I have morals now that are ingraved into me…I just want a normal life. I just want to feel normal. I tend to feel useless in this world, when I really want to do good things but I feel tainted and like I taint this world. I try not to let this consume me but it’s hard.. If you read this thank you. I know I am just in a funk right now but sometimes I wonder if it will be a forever funk… or that I need to “accept” im a bad person so that I can move on… which I won’t bc even if I am (maybe maybe not… I will never know with ocd) I wouldn’t want to be.

SunnyAnon

Date posted: 25w

ocd flashes + doubt

does anyone else get flashbacks of things they’ve seen due to giving into their compulsion??? whenever i’m having a remotely normal time or having fun or thinking of making a big decision i have flashes of videos or pictures or just made up scenarios that are related to horrible things i’ve seen and compulsively watched and did stuff with. it immediately kills my mood and makes me ruminate about it and i think about it over and over. i find myself wondering if ocd drew me to do those things or if it was genuine attraction. what if im a horrible monster who’s into awful and illegal and morally wrong stuff??? what if im using ocd to cover it up and it’s not ocd it’s just i thing i was into??? these thoughts are never ending and show up at the worst times. i’m terrified all the time. it renders me sick & unable to make any decision because i’m afraid if i choose to do so it’ll make everybody aware of the things child me/young teenage me did. it feels like all my past traumas and experiences are being blasted on a jumbotron. i’m even scared to post this. again does anyone else know what i mean + does anyone know how to “get over” this feeling/any tips???

anonymous2580

Date posted: 24w

Remembering things from my childhood

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

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