Idk what to do ...

I don't know if this is ROCD, pure OCD, or what, but it feels like he's reeeally critical of me, and I'm already terribly critical of myself, so it makes it so hard to push through my negative internal voice. But I tried telling her my OCD obsessions exist outside of him. I would hate to break up with him just to find myself just as depressed. We also just moved in together, and it feels impossible to leave without repercussions. I feel like it helps to make pros and cons: Pros: - Cooks for us all the time - Takes the reins on house/rent/utility setup (despite me asking to help) - Takes us on fun surprise/spontanous adventures, never a dull moment - Likes the same shows/movies/activities - We dress up and go to events together - Strong sexual chemistry Cons: - Feels he's taking care of everything despite *insisting* on it - Very much a know-it-all, which leads to a lot of criticism of me (constant sighs, intense reactions to small mistakes, no room for me to be human) - Expresses that I'm not his type physically, but I should be glad he still wants to be with me, and if I just go to the gym, he'll want to have sex with me more - Has misophonia, which makes him averse to any mouth sounds, so he gets mad at me when I'm eating and wants me to leave the room, and can be a jerk about it - Tends to think the worst of my actions, and will chalk things up to the "type of person" I am, which often takes me by surprise and makes me feel misunderstood - My mom/friends don't like him at all, but our mutual friends obviously love him, yet they see his flaws, too Anyway, it's eating at me, and I'm afraid of what the future might bring, and I just wish I could feel confident again so that I stand up for myself more. If those bad things were gone, he'd be amazing and perfect, but they weigh on me soooo much

I don’t know where to begin, this is going to be very long. But whoever responds I appreciate you dearly. I’m 20 years old, I’ve dealt with a lot in my childhood with abandonment and insecurity issues from my family. Aswell of not having a role model of a healthy relationship shown to me as a child. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, my first healthy relationship. Last year I discovered OCD (I am diagnosed but I ignored my mental health as a teenager like anybody would) I started to get these feelings that I don’t love my partner/he’s not attractive enough/ etc etc. I’ve discovered that it’s ROCD. I made threads on Reddit asking for advice googling for reassurance, all the things as one would do with ocd (as I’m doing now!) One day I woke up and that theme was gone, I felt normal in my relationship for about 4 months with no terrible thoughts. As of about 2-3 months ago, my theme switched. Now I have a fear he doesn’t love me, he’s cheating, he doesn’t want to marry me. It has utterly consumed me (just like my last theme!) I check his phone an unhealthy amount (guess what I never find anything!) He always lets me go through his phone, but as anyone would he gets annoyed and frustrated. I always am searching for signs if he’s acting weird, will get into arguments 24/7 because my brain keeps telling me he’s cheating, I get fake scenarios in my brain, hell I even bought Snapchat+ to stalk his snap score. But ever single time I find nothing. A lot of things trigger me and I over analyze everything, phone calls who his texting. When I do search his phone I check his EMAIL because of how paranoid I am. When I see things on social media about people cheating I SPIRALLLL But what really triggered me was this scenario, his family loves to joke around with me and mess with him at the same time, especially with our relationship, saying I have a leash on him etc etc making jokes (which I can take but when I’m in an ocd spiral and they have no idea something’s are triggering) anyways, we were out to lunch and his mother texts him “are u at some girls house” he told me straight away then responded “why would u say that” then she proceeded to say she’s messing around with him. And sent a picture of me and said I’m with Hailey at lunch, then they had a normal conversation after. Obviously this sent me into a spiral, it still bothers me. I was so upset and anxious, when we got back to his house I went through that man’s phone like it was my only job in the world. And I search EVERYTHING not one thing goes untouched. (I sound insane) anyways we went back to his place, then he called his mom to come in his room and asked why she said that, she felt guilty and said she was messing around she had her hands in her head (mind you she’s been drinking probably just messing around with him when she texted that) she told me not to worry ever about that kind of stuff because her son is not that type of man, she proceeded to leave the room then texted me about how sorry she was and didn’t mean to freak me out and felt like shit about it. Ever since then she’s been acting kind of weird towards me (not really) maybe she’s uncomfortable or there’s another women idk LOL. Anyways yea what the hell do I do I literally can’t function properly.

Every single time me and my boyfriend do anything sexual, I feel really really guilty about it after. We’ve never had sex before but have done other things and I don’t feel guilty about it in the moment, but afterwards I feel guilty. I don’t necessarily regret doing it but I just feel horrible as a human. He does not push himself on me in anyway and I know it’s all a me thing. He is very cautious in making sure I’m comfortable and feel okay, but I don’t start feeling guilty until afterwards. I feel like this always relates back to my faith, which has recently fallen off. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this because I always get told the benefits of waiting for marriage. And honestly I do understand that, but I don’t know that I want to wait. I feel like people keep shoving “waiting for marriage” down my throat and it draws me so much further from Christianity and makes things so much harder to feel close to God again. I just feel so lonely in feeling these things and scared I’m going to hell if I keep doing stuff with my boyfriend, but I genuinely don’t know what I believe in anymore and it’s draining me that my values are changing. I know it’s probably healthy and natural for values to change as you grow up, but I feel like there’s a stereotype of Christianity I have to adhere to and it makes me so anxious and scared I’m going to hell if I don’t get everything perfect. My relationship with Christ isn’t something that I involve others in because of how personal it is to me. But I just feel shamed upon by every other Christian and it makes me scared for myself and sad for the way society is making it such a black and white view of this religion.