Im clearly mentally deranged. Do someone like me deserve to love after i hurt so many people and lied and even searched stuff online that feels like it was p*do and also i think i emotionally abuse people and i emotionally neglected my animals and i killed my fish by neglect and
If you searched anything online to get any sort of "reassurance" just know that that was a compulsion. It doesn't reflect your true desires/intentions. The bad thoughts about yourself that come into your mind could really just be the things you are AFRAID OF and NOT TRUTH. Your brain is wired to protect you from "danger". Anxiety=danger. We aren't running from saber-toothed Tigers anymore, so our brains find new jrrational things to worry about instead.
It was not for reassurance, it was cuz i felt a intense urge, and morbid curiosity/fascination, also im a victim of...CSA..so idk if that could be why
@just a bad person That could certainly be a reason
This post is seeking reassurance (wanting certainty that you’re bad or comfort that you’re not) or confessing the things that you’re obsessing over. OCD is very capable of twisting our original intentions. Distorting them and making us seem like monsters. I recommend talking to a therapist about this in more detail. It can help you better identify what is going on and get you the help you need. Remember multiple things can be going on, OCD, depression, any other mental health conditions..
Thank you, but i genuinely did those things out of a deep unwanted morbid curiosity/fascination which i believe to stem from my CSA :( I have the same issue just, getting compulsively obsessed with victims of CSA to the point i had to block them/avoid them to not compulsively go and read their traumas and stuff.. so i just want this to be acknowledged that, yes, i genuinely did those things, because of this really bad reason, and that's my truth, unfortunately :(
You know you’re human right?! You are going to make mistakes, and do things that you hate and regret, and because of OCD it will be on constant replay. I think you honestly wanted to know why you were CSA, how could you “let” it happen when it really wasn’t your fault, and if it did really happen. Your brain is trying to protect you from this ever happening again, but in weird/distorted ways. I think you are trying to remind and educate yourself. You are in Fight or flight mode, and when you’re brain is in that “lock down” mode, it can be pretty convincing that this is all your wanting and that you’re a pervert, and guess what, you are not, you were a victim. Just learn from this experience ❤️ I know I’m no professional, but I’ve been dealing with my OCD for 18 years now and I know a thing or two. You are a good person who deserves to be loved and respected. Hope this helps
When i was between the ages of 11-18 i was a very mentally ill and hyper sexual kid. I did a lot pf sexting, sent nudes, and even one video of me doing inappropriate things that haunt me to this day. I have changed a lot since then and realized that this was all jn relation to (TW!!) sexual abuse i experienced as a child/teen. I still feel horrible for the things that I have done and think about this daily. I beat myself up because I know it was wrong of me to act that way growing up. Im afraid that someone will find these texts/pictures/videos one day and it will lead to my complete humiliation. I want to throw up at the thought of people i know and love seeing me act that. Its not who I am or who I ever was. I regret that part of my life so deeply it hurts.
I don’t know why but today I feel so incredibly angry right now and I was so frustrated with everything including my two dogs. I didn’t hurt them or hit them or anything but I was particularly annoyed and angry when they were trying to get presumably a bunny or a raccoon from underneath the shed, so I had to pull my small dog away when he wouldn’t budge away from the shed and i couldn’t pick him up because I was not close enough. I feel bad because I know I love my dogs but oh my god I just get so annoyed with them and on top of them everything else I have to just shut down all day and the things I don’t understand. I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t want my dogs to think I don’t love them because i was angry and annoyed at them. I know they’re just animals and they love me and I love them. I want them to know I’m sorry for even getting mad. I wish I didn’t feel so angry and yet so disconnected at the same time. I’m terrified I’m an evil person or that I don’t love my pets or something. I started to hit myself and punch myself because I do that when I get over the edge angry. I don’t know why I feel angry. It’s a mix of anger and emptiness and I don’t want either of them especially towards my dogs.
TW warning: ZOCD, real events, and animal neglect. I feel like if I'm nice to animals or think about having a pet in the future I'm being a hypocrite, one of the things i saw at 10-12 years old because of my porn addiction and exposure were horrible videos involving animals, and i had a kitten at 9 years old, i didn't know the responsibility of having a pet, yet i loved my cat very much and when we couldn't take it to the vet because we didn't have money, it came back with wounds, bleeding, i cried a lot and i regretted so much having been so inconsiderate and dumb to ask for a cat when we didn't have money or the appropiate place to keep it safe. My parents refused to take him to the vet or a shelter, and one day it ran away from home and never came back. I feel like i'll never be able to interact normally or have a pet without being a hypocrite. I'm horrible
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