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TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!

Anonymous

Date posted: 3d ago

I completely agree with your first paragraph. I only joined NOCD a little over a month ago, and it seems clear most people want to make their post to get reassurance but aren’t interested in reading other peoples’ posts or commenting. I try to comment on a bunch of posts throughout the day because people don’t deserve to feel alone. I hope your journey goes well and you feel better soon!❤️

Miss.OCD

Date posted: 3d ago

@Anonymous Always here if you need a chat/open up. I hope you’re doing well💛

ERP is the w...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3d ago

@miss.ocd yes I definitely notice that there isn’t much interaction between each other on the chat wall . I also like for us to share strategies that worked for us when it comes to OCd. For your theme , I would probably watch shows and movies that have gay couples and making love . Leaning into the fears is always the way to go. Also as I read these comments the ocd says stop reading this , it’s triggering you . So I push myself to keep reading

Vee <3

Date posted: 3d ago

Hiiii I am very anxious rn and my ocd has been messing with me as well! I’m a lesbian with SO-OCD and I am going through the same as you, just opposite. Along with some magical thinking OCD that really adds to the chaos! I get intrusive thoughts, feelings, and urges about men all the time. Despite not being attracted to them. My OCD tells me “you’re at LEAST bi” and I hate it because I don’t want to be attracted to men at all! Part of me feels like “you just care what others think” but another part of me truly feels that I’m not attracted to men. Sometimes I get intrusive movies and images that feel real. And the groinal responses make me feel insane! The hardest part about ocd for me is accepting uncertainty bc when I came out as a lesbian, I was the most certain I’ve ever felt in my life. And I hate hearing the words “sexuality is fluid” and “things can change” bc it literally goes against what I know and feel about myself. Whenever I get intrusive thoughts, whenever I perform mental compulsions, or whenever I wake up from an OCD dream, I see “Angel numbers” and it makes me feel like my OCD fears are actually true and I just have to “accept it”. But I don’t want to. I definitely have panic attacks and freak outs. I’ve woken up with terrible anxiety cramps and nausea for the past week. And I’m very anxious, tired, and stressed right now. I haven’t been out of my house in a week either bc I feel like every man I’ll look at, I’ll want and my orientation will turn out to be a huge lie. I definitely empathize with what you’re going through and I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you. :( please just know that OCD latches onto things we care about!

Miss.OCD

Date posted: 3d ago

Hey! I am so sorry you are going through this too. I think this just goes to show, that if any of us ever did decide to 'give in', the same thoughts could just happen again!? Does that make sense? I hope you're doing okay! It is almost 'comforting' to hear that this is happening from somebody who is actually the opposite of what I feel? It is an awful thing to deal with. Your nausea and anxiety was exactly what I was like in 2020. I remember sitting in the bath having suic*dal thoughts. Right now, I believe I am experiencing the 'back door spike', I am getting anxious over the fact that I am not anxious?! IT'S A NEVER ENDING CYCLE!!!

Vee <3

Date posted: 3d ago

@Miss.OCD OH I SOOO get that! I had an intrusive thought this morning that actually didn’t make me feel anxious and my OCD actually made me feel like I wanted it and that’s what caused my spiral of today! I’m going to try to go shopping soon to gain some control back. But I am glad that my perspective and experiences could help you. I hope you find peace from this! OCD is a liar that will do ANY and EVERYTHING to make you “confess” something you don’t want. Please take it easy and be patient with yourself this time around. I think the backdoor spike is CRAZY bc it’s literally us getting used to intrusive thoughts being natural but ocd uses that as passiveness = agreement and it’s another thing that makes us go crazy. If it helps, I usually watch comfort shows when I get suicidal. Will and Grace is one of my faves! It’s funny, light, and timeless.

anonymous00001

Date posted: 3d ago

Hi!! Nice to meet you. I completely relate to your story and it makes me feel less along to hear you share! Thank you. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2023 after having symptoms for basically my entire life. It started out as contamination and health OCD when I was a child, then as I got older it morphed into this identity based “am I a bad person” obsession, then ROCD related to my family and partner, along with SO-OCD. I am also in a very similar place to you right now where I used to have horrific panic over the thoughts, but now they’re just triggering and exhausting. I also avoid new female friends and same-sex couples on TV. The only difference is I’ve identified as bi for about 10 years (I’m a 28 woman), and have been with my fiancé (a man) for 9 years. I also have imagined us having a beautiful future and went through some recent serious life events that made my values and vision for my life very clear. However, my OCD completely latched onto these fears that I’m lying, that I haven’t “unlocked” this part of myself, that I’m being irresponsible by “picking” one gender over the other, that by marrying the love of my life that I’m “settling”, even though I feel very strongly at times that this is what my heart wants and that’s what’s right for me and feels good. I cannot trust my own self at times! I feel like that’s what OCD comes down to for a lot of folks, this feeling of not being able to trust yourself. An imagined future version of myself that’s judging and punishing myself for my present choices keeps me paralyzed sometimes. Also, I want to say that during my WORST period of OCD (2023) I could NOT even for a second access feelings of certainty or confidence lol. It was pure horror and panic and doubt. I felt like I was losing my mind. A lot of my fears during that time were around love, like “do I love my grandmother enough, or do I love her too much? What does that say about me as a person that I’m worried about this? Am I capable of love?” Then those worries latched onto my partner and my sexual orientation. Lots of rumination, googling, comparing myself to other people and relationships, trying to gain absolute 100% certainty, using social media to compulse…the list goes on. I’ve come a long way since then but still struggle with compulsions and avoidance like I said. I used to dread the day my partner might propose, but much to my surprise I’m really enjoying being engaged and finally able to face this fear that I’m not going to “feel 100% right”. I still have doubts and fears, but it’s actually been a good opportunity for me to stop avoiding or catastrophizing this period of my life. I’m slowly learning to trust my decisions and accept the gray area of life and my sexuality. He understands this too. ❤️ Anyway, my story is slightly different in terms of my sexuality but I hope you know you’re not alone in this darkness. It’s such a horrible feeling but it sounds life you’ve also done some hard work and overcome some very difficult challenges! Don’t forget to be kind to yourself in that way too. ❤️ thanks for sharing

Miss.OCD

Date posted: 3d ago

@anonymous00001 Thank you for sharing. It’s crazy how everyone Indian is different but we are all struggling in very similar ways. Thank you for hearing my story and also sharing your story. I’m always here for a chat if you need it and like you have said to me. Be kind to yourself. The unknown is scary. But that’s life. We’re not supposed to know what’s happening in the future and that’s okay. Sending so much love♥️

Ellie.

Date posted: 17w ago

I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

Relationship OCD

vizzy15

Date posted: 15w ago

So-ocd

Im a 21 year old female in a straight relationship with the best guy a girl could ever ask for. About 2 months ago, I went to get coffee with a friend and as I dropped her off, I got a “weird” vibe from her and the look she gave me which lead to the thought of “should I kiss her”….Ive never had a thought like that before and I never have ever wanted to kiss another girl. I have also never had a desire to be with another girl (sexually or romantically). Now though, I have had one other experience of being with a different friend going to get lunch and it felt weird. Ever since then I have been on google non stop with hundreds of different searches, questioning if im lying to myself of my boyfriend, wondering about my past relationships even though Ive only dated boys, been attracted to boys, crushed on boys, etc… boy crazy! Reading on other forums has been a big thing too or doing quizzes. I believe its SO-OCD but im so scared that what if its not. I am in therapy and actually had two weeks of not even thinking about it or googling it until yesterday. I dont know what to do.

overcoming-ocd

Date posted: 15w ago

4 years too long.

It’s been 4 years. 4 years since I spiralled into a world controlled by rituals of 4, it started as 2, then 3, then 4 - my safe number. The amount of times I wash my hands after touching something dirty and how many repeats it takes until I feel ‘clean’, the amount of taps I make when closing doors to make sure I don’t ‘die’, the amount of times I rinse cutlery and plates before eating off them, the amount of times I disinfect things. My OCD subtype is contamination and I know 2020 lockdowns and the pandemic caused it to spiral but what started as a small ritual quickly became bigger until I no longer remembered what my life was like without the obsessive thoughts of germs and contamination. Could that person be ill? What if I go outside to the shops and someone makes me sick? You can’t answer the door to get that package from the delivery driver because he might make you sick, oh you can’t put the shopping away without disinfecting it first - what if someone has coughed on it? ‘I’ve got to wear gloves to do that’ I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. For 4 years I’ve lived like this, the ‘I don’t want to touch that’ or ‘I can’t go to this place because I don’t want to get ill and die’ ‘can you go do that for me as I don’t think I can right now’ - I know my OCD is irrational, I know the likelihood of those things actually happening are slim to none and I know my OCD stems from a need of control in my life because for so many years I felt like everything in my life was out of my control. But no matter how much I know of how many books I read, how many mindful practices I do the panic I feel after being ‘exposed’ or before exposing myself to a trigger is horrible. I’ve avoided and avoided and avoided to the point where something small now seems and feels like an impossible mountain to climb. It often feels like there isn’t light at the end of the tunnel on the dark days, when I know there is, it’s just going to take some time. Despite this on the outside to those not in my circle my life is a whole picture perfect painting. I run my own business, have a nice car, a nice house, a happy relationship and the of best friends and I’m so grateful for all those things but the reality is much different - behind closed doors and hidden in the closest is the OCD monster. I’ve decided now, after 4 years it’s time to change. I’m breaking the cycle and starting anew. The irony that 4 is my safe number too and it’s been 4 years since things started to get dark. I’m ready to lose control and find myself again. Why am I writing this? Honestly, I really don’t know. I found this app recently and hope it can be a help for my ERP practices I’ve been practicing on my own and it’s actually the first time I’ve ever openly posted or spoken about my OCD to date. For years I have lived with a huge amount of shame and embarrassment, hiding my issues from everyone - even my closest friends have no idea how much it impacts my day to day. I’ve felt shame as I can’t control my own mind despite knowing the thoughts are irrational and the rituals only provide temporary relief but each day again and again the safety blanket of the rituals wraps me up and takes over. The only person who truly knows how much it affects me is my partner, who has been by my side through it all, he’s burnt out and has seen first hand the impact it has had on me, my life and my happiness. I’ve sheltered him as much as I can, but I’m sure those who are in relationships with OCD can relate to the burnout their partner feels day in day out. So that’s my story, I hope those going through similar can take comfort in this and know they aren’t alone in it all as my OCD has made me feel so incredibly lonely, isolated and empty for 4 years too long. It feels freeing to finally share my monster and I hope I can connect with others who are on a similar journey to me. The biggest thing I want to be able to do again? I want to be able to hug my loved ones without feeling triggered, I want to go outside and enjoy life without worry, I want to live again. This app has made me feel seen for the first time in a long time and reading your stories, your experiences and how you’re coping is comforting, encouraging and makes me feel less alone ❤️ thank you for reading x

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