Has anyone ever felt like this I’m freaking out

I have had ocd in my relationship for a while now. When I originally met him it was like this insane spiritual soulmate feeling and we just clicked instantly and he never judged me. I’m scared cause when I picture breaking up with my boyfriend I see myself being ok and being sad but moving on which I never was able to see before doesn’t this mean that this is what would happen or I don’t know till it happens? I still can’t imagine what life would be like without him but I just feel like I have lost feelings that I never wanted to lose. plus that’s also when I just picture knowing how people move on and how I’d just have to move on without letting myself picture processing the losses of all. I’m just really scared cause I used to think of wanting other things in someone else and what it would be like but I just thought how nice it would be to have it and not actually meaning it bc every time I thought about it I got upset and now it feels diff. He knows I have ocd but I never explained the ROCD because I thought it would have offended him so every time I went through a flare up I never told and acted like I was fine and it kept happening and OCD kept getting worse and worse. Maybe that’s part of the issue cause I haven’t been feeling like myself. But this is a feeling I never wanted to feel ever with him. I have gone through the feeling of numb but not like this. And he has a lot of positives but I can only see him overall as negatives and I’ve been told that’s ocd but it’s affecting how I feel. And yes there are legit actual things in the relationship that upset me but ocd has been affecting the way I look at him also. I keep being told my judgment is being impaired but this time it rly feels like not. And I’m Scared why don’t memories and things affect me like it used to doesn’t that mean I want this. Has anyone experienced this or is this the end 😭

user36373738

Date posted: 10w

And when I’m distracted I’ll get the I miss him feeling till my thoughts about how it’s been flood in making me think this is how I really feel. The losing of feelings feels so real but I don’t want it to be. It keeps going back and forth but this time it feels like I mean it 😭

Mrcino 1408

Date posted: 10w

You have to explain rocd otherwise it will DESTROY everything

user36373738

Date posted: 10w

@Mrcino 1408 How do you even go about explaining that though

Mrcino 1408

Date posted: 10w

Like you did here If you dont trust me he will get upset on things he should nt be because he doesnt understand you

Betty Liv

Date posted: 10w

Oh my goodness, thank you for sharing so vulnerably, you helped me SO much. I had no idea that I had relationship OCD, but so much of what you’re saying really resonated with me. I met someone a number of years back that I just felt connected with in oddly specific ways. At the time, I was in a really shaky place; my whole life had fallen apart. When they made a move, I was entirely not in a place to receive it. I have spent the last three years obsessively trying to figure out what to do, vacillating between fearful avoidance, and all in YUP feelings. It’s like every time I move closer to them, I come at it with the force of a train, and then the fear comes in and I disappear. I could only imagine how confusing and unsettling this has been for them, and I just feel this overwhelming guilt. Because I know they’re a lovely person and I know they care so deeply about people, our world, and our community. They are the single most amazing person I’ve ever met; their dedication, loyalty and passion leave me in a state of awe. But I grew up in a really frigid family, affection, liking your spouse, and especially passion were not things I ever witnessed growing up. And while I knew that the way I was raised was not how I wanted to do things in my own life, I had no idea what it felt like to receive anything different in a romantic sense. Let alone someone giving, and giving, and giving out of genuine kindness. The patience this person has had with me is just immense. I know that my person is becoming who they are. All I’ve ever wanted was to know them, in every version of themselves they become.. But the wedge I’ve put in our relationship, I don’t know how to come back from that. I am getting signed up for some help immediately. And wow. Thank you. I know this will help me get free of the cycle, and hopefully be able to contextualize my behavior for him too.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

I feel like I don’t love him sometimes 💔

I realized I’ve depended a lot on my boyfriend for comfort through my ocd, and I’m starting to feel like even before my ocd I was paying more attention to the relationship itself more than him, or the attachment: even though I remember distinct feelings of me wanting to be with him forever, and feeling so happy and complete with him, time didn’t exist, I felt like my most authentic self. So now I’m trying to create a healthy attachment and see him as his own person, which was helping at first, but now it feels as if I’m seeing that I don’t actually love him for him, the thought of moving forward in life without him breaks my heart and I don’t want to but my mind keeps telling me that I want it because of the attachment. He’s the exact type of person and partner I would want but it feels like whatever I feel is not enough.. But I DO experience moments of affection and care and admiration for him but they don’t last long..before I started making this shift in perspective even with the ocd I was still so sure and confident in moving forward with him, I felt so much like I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But now that I’ve made this shift it feels like I’m seeing him from a whole different place. Like all those good and happy feelings I had for him are gone now and I don’t have any confidence in what I want anymore. Before I did feel confident that I wanted to be with him but now it feels like there’s this wall between him and me :( I want to be with him I know I do, because even now I still feel the desire to keep going, but I can’t see the future anymore or the confidence to keep going. I was never much of a future thinker, even in my personal life but this feels like added proof I feel like I’m alone in this like no one else has this situation and the chances for me to realize after I recover that I don’t actually love him are so much higher 💔

user36373738

Date posted: 13w

OCD has ruined everything

I know everyone has negatives but it’s like they’re the only thing I see with him. Even when I was anxious and felt like this I was still able to enjoy the good moments and feel love. There was so much about him that I would love like we are literally the same person and that is so rare to find. Now over time it’s gotten worse and worse. Like the more I see the bad the more I convince myself. Partly cause when I was with him those times I was analyzing everything that was bad. And my brain kept saying you can’t end up with someone like this. And it’s become so real. Now I feel nothing and it’s so scary like nothing at all. I feel like it’s my mind trying to protect me because I keep thinking that if I leave I can have relief and also not worry anymore but I don’t think that’s what I really want. It’s just hard because the negatives are definitely something that scare me like being irritable and hard to talk things out so I think somehow something is blocking me from letting me feel cause I’m afraid to stay? This sucks I don’t want to feel like this about him has anyone gone through this???? If I’m so anxious to feel will I ever let myself feel again???

Relationship OCD

user36373738

Date posted: 12w

Has anyone felt

I’m really anxious because I know my ocd is really bad right now so I shouldn’t try to figure it out cause my thinking is a mess but I’ve been having feelings of like I’m not sure if I love him anymore or worrying that I haven’t felt a lot like numb (a lot because ocd has been getting worse and worse) and thinking of like how I’ve been focusing on the negatives and only been looking at him through that lens and analyzing and also feeling like I don’t want this anymore. Basically just like negative thinking in feeling like I’m really scared it’s that it’s I don’t love him cause I don’t want it to be over and the thought of having someone replace him makes me ill. But like it feels like I’m not seeing him how I used to and it makes me upset. Today I was near someone I was like oh this person is cute and then I was thinking that the possibility of meeting someone new sounds exciting and now I’m freaking out because this in combination with feeling like maybe I don’t love him anymore is bad. Also my thoughts keep changing. and like sometimes it feels like I don’t care at all and this has happened but like worst it’s ever been and then other times I’m like I do care I do still feel. I’m just really anxious has anyone else felt this before and it was still ocd? 😭😭

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Has anyone ever felt like this I’m freaking out

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