AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

help. it all happened too very fast. i was having a random b*ner, and i wanted to stop it by forcing an er*ction so it would go down afterwards, i had also seen a yt short of cyberpunk 2077 phantom liberty, in which a beautiful redheaded character appears, and i had random thought abt how maybe she wouldn't be truly that pretty and it was just make up. i imagined a scenario in which i had an okay looking girlfriend but that would look very hot with make up on, and i thought that was the perfect scenario to release the b*ner by momentarily forcing an erection and as i did that i remembered a highschool crush i had of a girl older than me that i found very beautiful and i distinctly remember being excited to see her with make up on, and this memory associated immediately. it went like this -> imagine girlfriend that is beautiful with make up on as i prepare to have an er*ction -> this reminds me just like that time in highschool -> the positive memory of my crush appears as i force an er*ction to happen at the same time without thinking too much (this all happens in a span of a millisec) i don't know how but my brain didn't register that memory as a threat, i had forgotten the context, it didn't even cross my mind that it happened years ago in highschool, i just had this memory. now im worried that i committed a horrible disgusting act. the erection wasn't caused by the memory of the crush, i planned it to happen with a safe image and that image of the crush appeared as i remembered and it didn't register it as a threat and this just happened; because i don't believe i was aroused by the memory, i was just remember that she was pretty. i don't know if it was just coincidence. it wasn't intentional, but now im disgusted at myself. there are 3 possibilities: 1. i already had made the conscious decision to force an erection from the scenario before and as the memory appeared, as it all happened in a millisecond, i didn't have enough time to process it with its due context and i didnt perceive that memory as triggering or something inappropriate and for my brain it was okay to be in the background while the er*ction happened. 2. it happened in one second, the conscious decision was already made from the scenario before so the er*ction randomly happened during the remembrance 3. worst case: in the moment of the er*ction as i remembered the crush i put myself in those shoes of the young me and as the memory happened very fast i forgot the context and the distance of the period frame in which had happened (long ago) and since i remembered her being older than me i still perceived in that fragment of the memory that way, and since i was in the memory itself i found her attractive normally, indistinguishably and separated from the present time, and for that split second i perceived her normally as if i was attracted to a girl in my present time, it literally felt a "normal" perception of a girl i liked and i didn't realise it wasn't the case; and my mind since it lacked the necessary context it allowed it to be non dangerous and not wrong to force an erection, and i realised it was a mistake only after it happened hence the panic... so it all happened before processing the context of the time in which had happen that would result as inappropriate. im afraid that the 3. is what happened and that it is unacceptable.

Family is not alway blood... I had to learn what that meant to me early in life. This old white, I met working in nursing home, veteran. I would never talk to anybody just had a routine of get up for every meal back to bed after. He was a little over weight a first when I meet him. Down the road he was assigned to me. My nurse state he ask for me, I said for what? To care for him. I said how, can he talk? She said of course he can. So, I begin setting my day up with him. Knocked at the door, went, said hello Mr. SonSo, how are you today. I paused, gave me a smile. Ask a arranged everything I explained what I'd be doing. And also the him the day, date and whearher. While preparing his bath. I spoke what the sun or cold felt like to my skin, the smell of the day, or any notable noise, small event on the way to work. After, I ask if he wanted wear this or that, I'd say to him, "Oh, my dad had one of these hats. I like a man who where these types of hat. I makes them look wise. Let me see how you like. I placed it on him and said, I can tell you had a quality about you. Then placed the hat back and went on getting dressed and up and out to breakfast. End: He did speak, just did like people... he said. I wore a lot of earrings, rings, bracelets. He kept grabbing at my right hand and hitting it. I've seen him do this before but I did know what he was doing. Bur he snatched my hand this time. I stopped and looked at him. I said, what's wrong. He slap a my hand shook his he No and state No. I said, I'm sorry if I scratched you, I'll take them all over. He was getting frustrated with and said No. So, I held both my hands out toward him. He kept pointing at my wedding finger, hitting it. I said, OH, no we are separated. He it that finger again , thrown hands back and forth with a look of where. I said he's still around but... he grab me arm. Stuck that finger again. I said, my rings. He shook his head with a sign of relief. Oh, my rings. Did you notice my rings. He said yes. He could speak, very slow, you need to be patient with him. I explained that I took them off because he need a lump sum of money and want to pawn them but promised me to get them back. My friends here wave No! Like he was my daddy. Pointed to my ring finger and took off what I had on that finger. He said, No other ring goes there but the correct one. Bit it back. I said but we were are together and I didjt think we would be back together. I siad we will always be friends, he said put it back and I did. There's more another time. Unfortunately, your helpers comes in to help and talk about everything that should be unspoken in the present of my client. I'd say excuse her she has no manners and he'd circle his fingers and eyes as if to say she was crazy. And he'd no better, she was with him before me. Talking about everything, her business, my business, just blah, blah, blah. He grab at me one of these days. Pointed towards her and shock his head no and wipe his hands. He pointed to the phone and his heart. Meaning the guy I was saying, I said my boyfriend? He point to my wedding finger, I said I'm not think marriage again. I think I was too young the first time. He said, "Nice Guy?" I said I don't know, I just met him and it's nothing serious. He knew he was at my home at that moment. He motioned by wiping his hands, and for him to go. He said when you go, he go. I laughed so hard. And said my dad you to say that to one of my sisters. .... my computer flashes alway pictures from every cloud. I can even find them when looking for them. But it's fun to see them. I got permission to take a picture with up out bed. I knew he was dying and I loved his smile and his push. I hated that such a good person had to die along. But he said, he made mistake a the beginning and acknowledged them. He was so sweet and respectful. Initial chat: Your family and friends can encourage your destructive behaviors and when you and they know it's completed wrong. They can need just as much help as you perpetuating helping and assisting you to stalk, "Try to" cyberbulpy, intimidating and control. My NOT2DAY means FK OFF ! To yous.

UPDATE: Oh dear god... I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... She has a cartoon as her profile picture and a star wars decoration border on her discord so I think she was a minor who entered an 18+ space... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... fuck... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it...