:(

My OCD is doing horrible. I was put on birth control to balance out my PMDD. I don’t think that’s going too well it just keeps getting worse. My mental health keeps getting worse. My OCD is so bad that my existential theme came back, the one I overcame six years ago for the most part. My POCD is flaring, my every single damn theme known to man is flaring right now. I feel absolutely insane and I feel like my OCD has never been this bad before. Even at its worst, like me posting 6x a day on here months ago. I’m doing a lot of compulsions it’s not my original compulsions or anything. They’re like really freaking complex like compulsions within compulsions. I feel like I’m literally dying. I feel so much fear. I haven’t been able to stop crying in my face is dry from all the salt. I don’t know what to do. I’m genuinely desperate. I don’t want to do this. I already tried relaxing because I have little periods of time where I feel a little better, and I even ordered myself some ice cream, but I’m not doing okay. I feel like I’m drowning in a nightmare and I just can’t wake up.

moon0270

Date posted: 12h

i am so freaking sorry that youre dealing with all this. it sounds like you're in so much pain. may I ask how long you've been on birth control? i know nothing about it,but i've heard it can take a while for it to even out but i've also heard some people feel really bad on birth control. It's worth mentioning to your doctor. You shouldn't have to suffer like this. OCD is freaking terrible and I wish we could make everyone else understand just how much pain it causes. you're not alone.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12h

@moon0270 thank you for being so kind, I’ve been on it for 1.5 months. I know it can take around 3 but I heard it’s not supposed to keep getting worse after the first month. Funny, and painfully enough, I scheduled an urgent doctor appointment for Tuesday (I got lucky with the date) and they cancelled it on an error that could’ve been avoided so my appointment is now a whole extra week out. I’m genuinely just considering stopping it because I don’t see what else she could say, and if she suggests I ride it out, I’ll probably breakdown. Thank you for listening to me vent. This is so awful, I’m sorry you experience any bit of this.

moon0270

Date posted: 12h

@issphra 🫶🏻 ugh I'm so sorry about that. im sure its really frustrating. i think its still worth seeing her and letting her know that you're really suffering. even if she does say ride it out, you can always advocate for yourself and you are entitled to that. it should definitely be a warning sign to her that being on it right now is making your OCD more severe, even if it should be helping with PMDD, its clear that its not helping your overall mood. obviously, I'm not a doctor but I definitely think you should tell her exactly what's going on and maybe she could suggest an alternative

Estrid

Date posted: 11h

I can feel your pain and I can relate. I feel worse when I am on gestagen. If possible ask your gynecolgist if they can prescribe bioidentical progesteron instead. It's better for your mental heatlh.

cherryblossoms

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3h

I am so so sorry to hear this my love. I truly truly wish you all the best because ive been in your place before and I know exactly what it feels like. Just know that you can handle anything that OCD throws at you because you are a warrior. all of us on here are warriors in the face of a horrible chronic mental illness. but keep fighting, keep living despite what OCD tells you. you've gotten through bad days before and you can do it again. take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second if you have to. I am here to chat if you need to talk some more <3

maciem

Date posted: 2h

I am so so sorry :( I am experiencing something similar one of my themes came back that I overcame when I was 13 and I am now a freshman in college. It just goes to show that it really is our brains feeding on our fears. Just remember, you overcame this once and you can do it again! I believe in you girl and this community is always here if you need reassurance or validation 💗

Drapple912

Date posted: 1h

I can relate, I was in a similar headspace not long ago which led to my diagnosis. I'm Bi and was going back and forth trying to decide if my attraction to my partner was even real or if I was just a fraud because my libido went down while on birth control. I'm also pagan, and kept feeling like I had to make elaborate honey jar spells in order to keep my realtionship alive, which I was starting to suspect was less helpful and more a compulsion. A lot of what helped me was guided thought diffusion meditations that are designed for OCD. If you haven't done them before I highly recommend!

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

panicking so bad

I want to rip out my uterus. Only my hormones can make my OCD and ability to manage it go back to square one. I am spiraling *so* hard. I cannot breathe. My PMDD is going crazy. I’m having a panic attack again. I feel so scared. The POCD is going absolutely insane right now. It feels undeniably real, and my mind keeps drifting to those awful thoughts and what feels like exploring them?? but I can’t for the life of me stop some of these compulsions right now. I was trying to watch something to get my mind off of this but ended up getting triggered twice, so my anxiety is a 10 and I can’t seem to calm down. This panic attack is tuned all the way up.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 22w

It feels more real than ever right now :(

I know I am going a bit cuckoo because my period is coming up, but lately it feels like every intrusive thought I have, I *like* it. Like I genuinely feel like I like it, and then I immediately panic because I start checking. Mentally, emotionally, whatever it is. And I know that is a compulsion. I *know* that. But it feels so real that I cannot stop myself. Every single time I check, it still feels like I like the thought, and it is driving me absolutely insane. It is especially the POCD thoughts. They feel so real. I feel like something is going on mentally, like some kind of confusion or glitch, because I swear I was not like this before. I would have intrusive thoughts, and they would feel real, but not *this* real. And I do not even know if this is normal. I know OCD is **supposed** to feel convincing. That is the whole thing. But I have never experienced it to this extreme. I have never gotten the same thought so many times and still felt like, “Oh my God, I did enjoy it,” even after checking a million times. It is like no matter how many times I check, it feels like I liked it. Especially during intimacy :( and it is making me lose it. Then I start thinking, “Well, I am in distress, so maybe that is proof it is not actually me.” But right after, I am like, “What if I am only panicking because I care about what society thinks and not because I actually have morals?” And then I spiral again, wondering if maybe I just care about how I am seen rather than who I am. I am panicking so much no today. I had to take my Xanax today for the first time in two months, and I needed three separate doses. I really need some support right now.

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 16w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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