Boyfriend refuses to give me his passwords

My rocd has been very bad the last few months and I’ve been questions my boyfriend a lot. A lot of the things he has told me haven’t really made any sense, they’re minor things but still. Anyway, he talked to this girl briefly for like 2 months 2 years ago. They were just friends but he said she played with his feelings and was weird so he stopped being friends with her. She was irrelevant most of our relationship until some months ago when I saw her in his suggestions. She never had an instagram account before. I started staking her profile a lot and becoming really insecure. I’d always bring her up and question if he had liked her in the past or if he looks at her insta. Anyway, he went to a birthday party a few months ago which I knew she’d be at and it made me uncomfortable. I think I was being controlling though, I just didn’t want him talking to her or something. He said he wasn’t around her at all that night and that was that. I know one of his girl friends probably posts her sometimes though so I’m scared he found her pretty and starting talking to her again. I keep looking at her socials and I don’t know why. I want to be her so bad, she’s literally perfect. I feel like she’s the kind of girl anyone would find attractive no matter what their type is. She also listens to the same exact music as my boyfriend and is like niche I guess idk, unique. I know I shouldn’t have constantly brought her up for no reason but I’m just so incredibly insecure. I brought her up last week after I had saw a post she made. I was just questioning my bf again. Like 7 hours later he had listened to the same exact song she posted on her story which was beetles by aphex twin. That song isn’t popular at all and he had never listened to it before and it wasn’t on any of his playlists. I started questioning him and he first told me he saw it in a TikTok edit. I asked him to find the edit but he couldn’t so he then said it must’ve been instagram or YouTube. That song literally has like 100 posts on each social media platform and that’s it. He told me what the edit was about but couldn’t remember where he had seen it. He couldn’t find the video on insta or YouTube either so then he said maybe he saw it somewhere else but he was sure he had saw it. He said maybe it wasn’t an edit. I said “you literally told me exactly what happened in the edit though” so then he said he was sure it was an edit but he couldn’t find it. It turned into this huge thing and we’ve been arguing for a few days. He SWEARS he didn’t look at her profile and we had a long discussion about why he doesn’t like her and all this stuff. He showed me her blocked contact. There was a girl right above her who my boyfriend had told me he only deleted, not blocked. She wasn’t anyone concerning but I literally asked him multiple times if she had ever texted him since he told me she wasn’t blocked. My mom was also blocked and then a random number and some team lead he worked with at seaworld who he apparently reached out to for help with his enlistment process. I’m scared he just blocked a bunch of random numbers to make it look like she had been blocked for a while if that makes sense. He also calls her grace instead of Gracie sometimes. At first he said it was just a typo but then he did it over call. Her real name is grace, he said he doesn’t switch between the two on purpose. She also only takes her account off of private when she posts herself on her story idk if that’s weird. My boyfriend and I finally talked everything out and I was calmed down. He had always told me in the past that he’d give me all of his socials. We’re long distance so he can’t just show me his phone. I asked for his insta password today to just see if he actually would since I’d always decline. At first he said yes but then he said no and that it was an invasion of privacy. He told me he didn’t want me to start overthinking and arguing with him over nothing which I always do bc of my rocd. He said he’s been really stressed (he has) and wants to avoid arguments. He said if I didn’t question him about every little thing then he would have. He also said there’s things he talks about with his family and best friend that are private, we’ve been together for 2 years btw and we were planning on moving in together next month. He said we could call tonight and he’d screen record and go through his profile. I just feel like he’s hiding things from me. I’ve had a horrible gut feeling for the past like week and I’ve felt sick (also on my period). Well the gut feeling has been there but the sickness started this week and I can’t eat. He said I shouldn’t need his passwords and it’s immature. On social media I see the opposite and a lot of people say your partner should be able to have your passwords especially if you’ve been together for a while and it’s a serious committed relationship. We’ve been intimate together but he has things that he doesn’t want me to see. He’s seen my body and I’ve seen his but passwords is an invasion of privacy? I just feel really sick. He has been cheated on before and his mother was too so I never thought he could do that to me and he always expressed that he couldn’t. I never doubted him the months we weren’t long distance or the beginning of long distance but I don’t know this version of him. I love him so much though and I don’t want to be loved by anyone else, I’m just scared I’m oblivious to what’s actually going on.

sibeall

Date posted: 5h

I completely understand how you feel, I'm also in a long distance relationship. Maybe the reason why is that he doesn't want you having his passwords is because it'll feed your ROCD? Since OCD feasts on compulsions (him reassuring you) maybe he realizes that if he give you his passwords it might cause more arguments, not that he's hiding anything but that he knows your OCD doesn't care if you can see all of his chats or not, you'll still need reassurance and possibly argue more. I can't really make assumptions since idk who he is but I think that's a possible reason.

JazzyRoses

Date posted: 24w

Being Cheated On OCD

Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭

Songtothesiren

Date posted: 24w

Rocd latching onto problems in the relationship

Recently my bf wanted to confess to a comment he made to his friends that always bothered him that he said this and it was literally within the first week we had met. (It’s sweet that he wanted to apologize for it, he even teared up bc he knew it would hurt my feelings) He told his friends that I was “super pretty but that he also thinks these girls on tiktok are hot” (girls with piercings and dark makeup, basically alt/ goth looking). Then he said “I just think that look is attractive.” He said the only reason he brought it up was bc he was on tiktok when he was talking to his friends (on discord) and a girl popped up on his FYP and made him think what he finds more attractive. Then his friends wanted to see pictures of me and everyone agreed I was pretty. Then like 3 days later he was talking to his friends again (they only ever talk through discord bc they don’t live in the same city) and was basically just raving about me and how pretty I am. Then his friends said “what about the tiktok girls and what you said” and then my bf said “I was trippin”. This is making my ocd so bad bc I kept ruminating if I should add it to the list of reasons why we need to break up or if this was my “sign” to end it. But then I also get reminded of the positive, like when he told me the first time he saw me he thought I was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen, and has even reassured me by showing me messages of him talking to his best friend about me (also the same week of us first talking) and told him that I was “actually perfect” and “INSANELY pretty”. I try not to be upset at him since this was when we barely knew each other and his type back then was more emo/alt girls at the time and I look different. But I have spiraled so much about it bc I don’t want him to settle for me. He’s tried reassuring me so many times that he was always very attracted to me and never thought anyone was prettier than me, he said just in that brief moment that look still caught his eye but that it went away super fast. He also tried explaining to me that “hot” doesn’t mean “better” or even “prettier” just that the look itself is what he used to describe as hot. He said “hot” is also a casual thing to say, especially to guy friends. Whereas to me, hot means the BEST looking. Sometimes I want him to admit that he was just not that attracted to me in the beginning/more attracted to tiktok girls in the beginning bc it makes more sense to me LOL but that’s just me being annoying and I get very bothered when someone tries to sugar coat things rather than telling me the harsh truth. I think this may be another common thing in ocd, like just WANTING him to tell me the worst case scenario bc it’s more logical to me that way. He ends up crying with me bc of how sad he feels that I have such low self esteem from it and also is so frustrated that I won’t believe him, even though he was honest enough to want to share this with me. Sometimes I think he is playing two truths and a lie to make his explanations more believable. Am I making him out to be a villain who always wants to manipulate me or is this just an instinct I have when I feel that someone is not telling me the truth. We’ve had other problems with him not wanting to be brutally honest bc of how I react so it always scares me that he is always telling me a fabricated story. I also am starting to feel embarrassed for myself and for him being with me. I wish someone could just tell me if the things he’s done or said are deal beakers

Ocdhelp__

Date posted: 20w

HELP PLEASE.

I don’t know where to begin, this is going to be very long. But whoever responds I appreciate you dearly. I’m 20 years old, I’ve dealt with a lot in my childhood with abandonment and insecurity issues from my family. Aswell of not having a role model of a healthy relationship shown to me as a child. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, my first healthy relationship. Last year I discovered OCD (I am diagnosed but I ignored my mental health as a teenager like anybody would) I started to get these feelings that I don’t love my partner/he’s not attractive enough/ etc etc. I’ve discovered that it’s ROCD. I made threads on Reddit asking for advice googling for reassurance, all the things as one would do with ocd (as I’m doing now!) One day I woke up and that theme was gone, I felt normal in my relationship for about 4 months with no terrible thoughts. As of about 2-3 months ago, my theme switched. Now I have a fear he doesn’t love me, he’s cheating, he doesn’t want to marry me. It has utterly consumed me (just like my last theme!) I check his phone an unhealthy amount (guess what I never find anything!) He always lets me go through his phone, but as anyone would he gets annoyed and frustrated. I always am searching for signs if he’s acting weird, will get into arguments 24/7 because my brain keeps telling me he’s cheating, I get fake scenarios in my brain, hell I even bought Snapchat+ to stalk his snap score. But ever single time I find nothing. A lot of things trigger me and I over analyze everything, phone calls who his texting. When I do search his phone I check his EMAIL because of how paranoid I am. When I see things on social media about people cheating I SPIRALLLL But what really triggered me was this scenario, his family loves to joke around with me and mess with him at the same time, especially with our relationship, saying I have a leash on him etc etc making jokes (which I can take but when I’m in an ocd spiral and they have no idea something’s are triggering) anyways, we were out to lunch and his mother texts him “are u at some girls house” he told me straight away then responded “why would u say that” then she proceeded to say she’s messing around with him. And sent a picture of me and said I’m with Hailey at lunch, then they had a normal conversation after. Obviously this sent me into a spiral, it still bothers me. I was so upset and anxious, when we got back to his house I went through that man’s phone like it was my only job in the world. And I search EVERYTHING not one thing goes untouched. (I sound insane) anyways we went back to his place, then he called his mom to come in his room and asked why she said that, she felt guilty and said she was messing around she had her hands in her head (mind you she’s been drinking probably just messing around with him when she texted that) she told me not to worry ever about that kind of stuff because her son is not that type of man, she proceeded to leave the room then texted me about how sorry she was and didn’t mean to freak me out and felt like shit about it. Ever since then she’s been acting kind of weird towards me (not really) maybe she’s uncomfortable or there’s another women idk LOL. Anyways yea what the hell do I do I literally can’t function properly.

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Boyfriend refuses to give me his passwords

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