This is insanely confusing

Quick explanation: I get stuck in mental checking and ruminatiom for hours, and it's to the point where I feel nonconcordant arousal to intrusive thoughts. It feels ridiculously real and I'm horrified. My brain has learned that normal, desirable thoughts get replaced with intrusive ones (causing anticipatory anxiety), and once those appear, it forces checking, which leads to arousal, which leads to rumination and feeling like "oh my god, I may want these taboo thoughts, what the hell" even if I know I've never been attracted to such things. It really feels like there's a real issue, it feels so disturbing, and I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. I feel like there's no way this is only OCD even though I rationally know it is. I also kinda feel like I may be reassurance-seeking, but how am I supposed to not do that if it feels as real as it does I don't expect reassurance, in fact don't give me any, I just want to know what's going on or why. I just want some sort of help, support, anything

Fcukocd

Date posted: 9w

I know exactly how you feel, it can feel so real at times, you are not alone, best way forward is to accept uncertainty

slippery_salad

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 9w

@Fcukocd If I may add… you have a choice. At the end of the day, you can choose as a human how your reality looks. Others may differ and even in some contexts, society may disagree with you but at the end of the day it is your life and is your choice in this rock we call earth. Behaving your way out of this wretched cycle is to say that you have a choice and will choose to defiantly accept uncertainty and live how one would live if they didnt have ocd. Ask yourself, what would you be doing if you didnt have ocd? And then go do it, with OCD.

PureOIsHellO...

Date posted: 9w

@slippery_salad - Yeah I've got the dreadful feeling of "I must figure this out before I go back to life, there could be an issue here", I just can't get rid of it, and idk if this is poor insight but I kind of don't want to, I feel compelled to fix this issue that probably isn't even there in the first place, but then all the doubt keeps saying "the issue is 100% there, go fix it or else you're irresponsible / going to become a pervert / insert terrifying scenario here". It's not about wanting the issue to be there, it's about constantly trying to make sure that it isn't there (or worrying that it is there), whether it is through mental checking, ruminating, analyzing, avoidance (how ironic)... and I've done this so many times that the uncertainty is just ridiculous and outright debilitating. ps. I feel like SSRIs may be my only way out because CBT / ERP hasn't worked that much to be honest, actually it made things even more confusing by reducing the anxiety around taboo thoughts which just feels wrong on so many levels

NotAgain

Date posted: 9w

The same thing happens to me. I will not offer reassurance of course, but at the very least, you are not alone.

PureOIsHellO...

Date posted: 9w

Same for you, it's actually just horrifying I wish you the best

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