Anyone else struggle with this?/venting

This flare up masculine lesbians or masculine presenting women are a HUGE trigger for me. It’s the whole reason why I went into a SOOCD spiral in the first place when I was 15. I thought a masculine presenting female kpop idol was attractive bc they looked like a man. But anyways, I have been around lesbians and masculine lesbians since my childhood and never had any attraction towards them or any woman. However ocd is latching onto one memory from a super long time ago. My mind could also be distorting my memories and I don’t fully remember it. When I was at practice I looked at my teammate (who was a very masculine lesbian) and wondered why she looked like a boy. Immediately after thinking that I got an intrusive thought like “does that mean you like her” and as soon as that thought popped up a huge wave of anxiety and discomfort washed over me. I started to freak out and I looked at her face to check if I did, she was smiling and I noticed she wasn’t ugly and that made me more anxious. But I remember closing my eyes, taking a breath, looked at her again, felt nothing, and moved on. I saw her multiple times after that and I never once found her attractive or had any crush on her. I can’t even remember her that much because she was so insignificant in my life. But my brain keeps telling me that it’s proof. I remember two of my friends in high school telling me they sometimes thought masc lesbians were guys and sometimes found them cute, but after finding out they were girls they just moved on. I remember my friend saying “Yeah sometimes ill be on instagram and think omg he’s so cute, check their page, see that ooohhh…its a girl, and go nvm and move on” those were her exact words too, and she’s still straight. The false attractions (I hope and pray they’re false) are eating me alive. I don’t think my brain can accept acknowledging that someone is attractive while not being attracted if that makes sense. Every false attraction feels so real (esp bc my attraction to men is literally gone and has been for years) but it leaves me feeling so anxious, awful, and depressed. But 2 months ago, prior to the spiral, the attraction I felt for my boyfriend felt so genuine and good 😭. I’m telling you I’ve been a numb rock towards men for so many years now but that one hangout me and my man had woke up those feelings again. I say it in almost every post but I just wanted him to kiss me SO BAD the entire hangout. His smile had me mesmerized and I felt so shy but in a good way 😭.I don’t even know how to describe it anymore bc I feel so numb towards him now and all the attraction has left. I think it’s also because we can’t see each other that often because of school so i’m left to ruminate about everything. I’ve been dealing with this theme for so long and i’ve felt nothing but depressed and numb to everything whenever it takes a break from terrorizing me. There’s so much proof against me but deep deep down I know what I want. I felt it 2 months ago when my mind was clear and ocd wasn’t bothering me as much. But as soon as ocd comes into the picture i’m back to being numb and start to doubt EVERYTHING. I just want this shit to end 😭. I’m so so exhausted that I’m going to see a doctor to see if I can start medication. I need all the help I can get at this point. I don’t think this amount of emotional and mental numbness is normal and my depression fully back again. I’m so tired of feeling like a rock.