Feeling guilty about my mental health

I’m at a point now where meds are definitely required to continue my journey to manage and heal from OCD. I just can’t follow through with my treatment bc everything feels so overwhelming. The beginning of my flare up made me lose 7 lbs in 2 weeks because I was so consumed by anxiety that I couldn’t eat. The depression and anxiety make doing anything so hard. I’m just so scared to start my meds because I’m worried they will cause major health problems in the future and won’t help me in the ways that I want, which makes me think my theme is true. I feel like the SOOCD bubble has completely absorbed me and I can’t feel any sort of relief. Everyday is a struggle and I just feel my mind and body shutting down again. In no way, shape, or form am I trying to downplay anyone else’s theme, but sometimes I just WISH I had another one, or one I had in the past. I have such a good life but I feel so hopeless and awful. I’ve been very privileged and there’s so many things I’ve never had to worry about, but I just feel like living is so exhausting and I just don’t enjoy it (don’t panic i’m afraid of dying 😭I would never do anything to myself EVER). I come from an older family and my grandparents grew up in EXTREME poverty, lived through some bad times in history, struggled all their lives, and I’m over here complaining and giving up bc my brain has a doubting problem. I’m just so tired of living like this. The fact that I’ve had this theme for so long and haven’t had my attraction/libido fully come back makes me think I’m stuck like this forever or my theme is true. I’m constantly having the proof (childhood exploration/experimentation, a super uncomfortable memory involving a friend that feels like PROOF proof, some other stuff) pop up in my mind and I’m ALWAYS mentally reviewing, checking for attraction, dealing with distressing thoughts/images, groinal responses, false attractions, all that shit. I feel like my brain has a guard dog and I’m just always analyzing even when I don’t even notice (sometimes I do). It’s like I’m there but I’m watching everything at the same time. Ive definitely had long moments where SOOCD left me alone, but it leaves me in such an empty and depressed state, and my attraction/libido never came back 😭. Ive only felt normal-ish a couple times and really thought my new relationship was the start of a new chapter, but OCD always comes back and stronger each time. I would do anything to feel the things I felt for my boyfriend before the flare up. Obviously OCD was there to give me thoughts (originally was obsessing if my numbness/no libido/lack of attraction would ruin what I felt for my bf), to monitor my feelings, I subconsciously performed compulsions which messed w my feelings/attraction/mind bc they’re just habits wired in my brain, but those moments of clarity and mental peace made me feel like I knew myself and gave me hope. I felt genuine attraction but immediately started questioning and doubting (wasn’t soocd thoughts at first). I was so happy ab starting to feel normal and so excited to have a crush on someone again, I had motivation to fight ocd bc I didn’t want it to ruin what/how I felt. But now I just feel hopeless and it makes me feel so guilty and pathetic. Like today, I should’ve had a nice time with family but I just couldn’t get myself to be fully present. The whole thing was so exhausting and I just wanted to go home, rot in bed, and cry. Ik my mental health stresses out my parents and makes everyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. My younger sister does small things here and there to take care of me and It just makes me feel like a useless older sister. My older siblings want to talk and spend time together but I feel selfish bc I have no desire to do anything. My mental health makes me turn into a hermit and when OCD flares up I just want to disappear/remove myself from everything. Everyday I wake up in a warm bed, a nice house, w food in the fridge, a support system, and I still dread having to face the day. I have so much but I feel so little 😭just depression, anxiety, numbness, and fear. Idk I just needed to vent.

Hmmmm…

Date posted: 23h

I’m in the same boat. I haven’t found the courage to take meds again yet, but I resonate with your post so much. Constantly looking for evidence in my childhood. Can’t even focus on the present, not wanting to talk to anyone, or confessing when I do to get reassurance. However, I just caught the OCD trap for myself. I’m going through a breakup in which I suffered ROCD. Obviously I’m feeling a mix of emotions and then I had a thought. “What if this happened because you’re hiding what you really want?” “What if you were faking it?” “You’ve done this your whole life” “what if your ROCD thoughts were true?” WOW, at that moment I said no more. Here I’m trying to process one thing and boom! My brain couldn’t sit with the uncertainty of the breakup so it brought up something else to “solve” to get closer to my “truth”. It’s taken me a while to get here but you do get to choose the life you want to live. Your new bf came into your live for a reason. Just let things play out. SOOCD is so distressing because it makes you question your entire identity, and feels so convincing. It’s my least favorite theme when I’m in it too. You’re not alone, and I hope that this gives you just enough to keep pushing forward. You are not your OCD.

carrotroot12

Date posted: 11h

@Hmmmm… thank you 🫂

missfoxy69

Date posted: Yesterday

Totally understand you i was same about pills but if pills will help i will try cause we dont want to always feel like this i totally understand you so much in how you feel ❤️

Beth.flower

Date posted: Yesterday

@missfoxy69 My medication saved my life. If this is how I have to function then so be it as I never asked for this horrid mental illness

missfoxy69

Date posted: 22h

@Beth.flower Could you tell me what's meds you found best if you allowed to say here and i know what will work for one might not for another and do you find ralaxers help the ocd panic

missfoxy69

Date posted: 21h

@Beth.flower And thats for sure darling same as

Beth.flower

Date posted: Yesterday

Your story reminds me so much of me. I have suffered from HOCD. I used to be so afraid to talk about it as I was so ashamed and broken inside because it robbed me of my entire identity and dream self. It made me give up on dating and just life in general. I didn’t want to live anymore as I wasn’t living the life according to what my true soul wanted. I have then tried to heal my inner child who was so damaged by this horrible intrusion that took over my entire mental space and it’s been such a rough journey. Some days are great and i have her back in full swing and others feel painful and impossible to overcome. The thing is it robbed me of my confidence, my power, my belief in myself because it was feeding me lies I resented so deeply. See, in this downfall I realised I had given it all of the power. I had fed it the reactions it desired. I taught it to be important, to be loud. I caused my own demise all because I felt once upon a time a thought meant more then just a thought. What I am trying to say is, fear is so powerful to overcome. Especially when it teases against what we treasure most and love most. I’m done letting ocd rob me of my identity. I do not agree with the thoughts and I refuse to listen

Beth.flower

Date posted: Yesterday

You’re not crazy and YOURE DEFINITELY NOT ALONE 💖

carrotroot12

Date posted: 11h

@Beth.flower thank you for ur response, means a lot.

missfoxy69

Date posted: Yesterday

Thank you beth how long did it take to find the right meds

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