a vent, i don't know if this is allowed

i feel stuck.i feel so trapped and i don’t know what to do, i feel like i have so much to jugglebut i’m constantly viewed as lazy and not worthy of enjoying myself. but i guessthat’s adulthood? yeah? yeah.i still dont feel like a proper adult, i don’t know if i ever will, i mean, right now i kindof am except the big huge part of financial independence and whatever.i’m currently taking 30 units in 3 months to get a paralegal certificate, that’s morethan most people take in an entire year, and on top of that i’m applying for lawschools, and on top of that i’m studying to retake the lsat, and on top of that i’mtrying to lose weight (gym, diet, medication, doctor), and on top of that i’mbalancing my friendships who live far away, and on top of that i’m trying tomaintain a relationship with someone who lives where my friends live.i left everything in [CITY]. my whole fucking life is there and it’s making everythingelse so so so difficult.my mother called me a failure. she said i fucked up my life and there’s no comingback from it. FUCKED UP MY LIFE. AT 22. maybe i have. i think about it a lot and ireally do feel like it a lot of the time.i seriously considered [REDACTED] when i thought i might fail my final for somestupid class 2 years ago. i can’t even remember what class it was. and i almost [REDACTED].i thought it would be easier to [REDACTED] than face my mom.i think i’m destroying my body. i think i have ocd— it’s debilitating. my anxietycauses so much stress, i mean maybe… i think that’s what’s causing it. i havepanic attacks almost every day, like real ones. real, scary ones. like can’t-breathe-1am-i-having-a-stroke-maybe-a-heart-attack? ones. and they come out ofnowhere, usually when i’m trying to relax i think? they kind of come on whenever,sometimes when i’m doing homework, or driving, and almost ALWAYS when i’mwatching movies. why fucking movies?i get chest pain, i asked my doctor and she did an ekg and she listened to mylungs and everything was fine, she thinks it’s chest arthritis from working out. ialso have a fast heart rate. my heart rate was super low until about 4 years ago,around when my anxiety started to become so so so hard to deal with. i pass outfrom it sometimes. the anxiety, i mean, especially when i have to get my blooddrawn. i spiral because i heard once that an air bubble in the tube can kill me. idon’t think that’s even true but i can’t get it out of my head. i can’t stop thinkingabout the needle piercing my skin and how there’s something going into my body,entering my vein. i almost passed out at work once because of a thought spiral,they sent me home early. i didn’t tell anyone.i thought that if i smoked menthols i couldn’t go to space if the earth wasdestroyed by global warming. (it will be, it’s very scary to me, too, i hate thinkingabout dinosaurs.) I heard once that menthol in your system made your headexplode in space. i smoked american spirit turquoise after. maybe the smoking isthe heart issues? i switched to vaping because i heard it was healthier but now iconstantly think about my lungs coated in brown. but i only started smoking like ayear ago— i heard if you quit before 40 you lower your chances of getting lungcancer by like 80% or something? i know, it’s bad, but i swear i’m trying. i’mquitting. i promise. ever since i was a kid i knew i would die of cancer. either thator a car accident, specifically one where i accidentally swerve off a bridge andland in the ocean. that big bridge on the way to norcal. i bought a window breaker.and a seatbelt cutter. i convinced myself for like a month that i would die in mysleep. i would stay up until 9am trying to prevent it, that if i went to bed when myroommate was awake she would check on me and find me at least. then i kepttelling myself that not sleeping will actually definitely kill you. i sleep at least 10hours now. on a long drive home i convinced myself i was actively having a heartattack. i felt paint in my chest and down my arm. i called my boyfriend (formerparamedic), i called my mom (cardiologist), my sister was in the car. i was sofreaked out. the car ride home was completely silent and so awkard. just my momon the phone, listening. telling me to pull over if i needed to. she tries not to let me drive at night any more. says i’m just “quirky” or “a little off”. i will never useteleportation and the thought of it completely freaks me out. i’m convinced it willbe invented but it won’t teleport you, it’ll kill you and make an exact copy.speaking of, i hate clones. i can’t watch or read anything with clones. i wanted towatch mickey17 so bad. but which one has the soul? aren’t we all clones in a way?each a human, what makes me special? why do i get to live my cushy life andothers are forced to be children dying in bombings, children losing their parents inbombings? and yet i dare say i’m suffering? i dare complain?i can’t watch horror movies, which is understandable. i mean a lot of people don’tlike horror movies. but i cant. like, i will have a panic attack. no matter who i’mwith. my boyfriend doesn’t really understand. i agreed to watch breaking bad and ihad panic attacks and horrible nightmares. it sounds dramatic but it’sunfortunately true. i can’t think about how some people are forced into drugdealing, how that show is fiction but the concept really isn’t. how there’s kids andpeople who die because of that. and how it’s not really any of their fault. i don’tthink anyone deserves hell. i pray a lot. even [VERY BAD GUY], in the grand scheme of things,if there is a grand scheme of things— like eternity and all that, doesn’t deservehell. eternal torture for a small blip? eternal torture for something you did in a lifethat didn’t really matter anyway because life is FOREVER. forever is a long time. idon’t ever want to die. but forever is a long time. reincarnation is the one afterlifethat doesn’t freak me out completely? i think? but then i think about how i could bedoomed to live a much worse life. or a life without my loved ones. i love them soso much. i don’t want another life. i pray a lot.that’s usually what i do when i have a spiral, i pray. my spirals are mostly aboutdeath and how it’s like— actually real. like, i WILL die one day. that will happen.and it’s so so scary. i will experience death? no, i won’t. i tell myself it’s not realand hit myself in the head and try to distract myself every time i think of it. everyone is immortal until proven otherwise. i have recurring nightmares of deathin which i pray and pray and pray before i’m suddenly and coldly killed. usually bysomeone who isn’t even killing me for a purpose. like i’m just a statistic, y’know? alot of the time it’s in a bombing.i convinced myself we were going to war with israel, or iran’s big surprise wascoming specifically for me. i would hear airplanes overhead and think it was amilitary plane and immediately open a flight tracker on my phone. my boyfriendmade me shut off my phone for a bit— or at least limit social media for my mentalhealth. we both went offline, got drunk, and played card games. it was really nice.in all of this my boyfriend is the one who keeps me the most sane. he listens tome, tries to reassure me and help move me into not thinking as much. he holds mewhile i go to sleep and sings me little songs. he lets me keep shitty sitcoms on thetv while we sleep so i don’t start thinking too much. even when he’s with me at myparents (we have to sleep in separate rooms) he stays with me until i fall asleep tobe sure i’m okay and quietly tip-toes to his place to sleep.i don’t take the Lord’s name in vain because i once heard it was the unforgivablesin. but my high school bible teacher told me that as long as you feel bad about itand ask for forgiveness it’s okay? i’m so close to a religious break down where i goback to the church. i grew up SDA. i used to cry in the church bathrooms andswear i wouldn’t be a Christian when I was “old enough to decide”. i think aboutgoing back a lot. my grandma cried when i stopped going. like whaling, sobbing,my-granddaughter-is-going-to-hell. my mom recently watched a cultdocumentary on the SDA church, she said jokingly that she’s scared she’straumatized her children by putting them into it. i didn’t know what to say. i don’tknow what to say to her most of the time any more. we used to talk so much, evenwhen i moved away, she would call me for an hour at least once a week. now wecan’t even be in the same room for more than a short about of time before shestarts calling me a failure or making it painfully obvious she’s trying so hard not to.my biggest fear is that humans aren’t special, and i’m worrying so much oversomething that doesn’t even matter. i can’t think about aliens.i’m thinking of starting ocd-specific therapy. i’ve been in therapy for around…fuck.. like since i was 13? 9 years? shit. it hasn’t helped much. it’s out of network,though. i don’t know if i can swing it. they say i could be better in 12 sessions. i don’t know if i’ll ever be better. i almost think i’m the normal one. like we shouldn’tbe so nonchalant about death’s existence, as a species. i always described it as,like, everyone has an on/off switch with their existential dread and i could justnever find the off switch.i got pink eye when i was 7 and cried to my mom saying i was imagining notwaking up the next morning.i’ve done a lot of bad things, like before i had a concept of morality. at least, ithink. i used to write letters to santa saying i was bad and didn't deserve any presents. i was sexually abused. i’m scared some part of me thinks i wanted it. i think idon’t remember a lot of it. i remember the way i behaved as a child, and i know itwasn’t normal. i tried EMDR and i left sobbing every time with no real reason why. italked to older men online when i was very young, posted myself online when iwas very young. some of the abuse was COCSA. i forgive him but i don’t want tobe around him. i don’t know how to tell my parents i don’t want to be around mycousin without explaining it and if i did explain it, without them blaming him. i don’tblame him. i [DID BAD STUFF] with older men, when i was old enough. i feel so disgusting.i’m scared that the question to get into heaven is to name all the people you’veslept with. i know that doesn’t sound rational. but, we aren’t owed a just God. Itried to memorize the answers to the questions Muslims believe God will ask youto get you into heaven.fuck i’m just so, so scared all the time. i’m on a medication for weightloss that’s init’s early stages and i’m afraid it’ll be one of those things that in hindsight werealize isn’t healthy (like how doctors used to prescribe cocaine and shit). mymom convinced me to go on it. she was on it. i’m just the fat fucking piggy in thehouse now, everyone in my family is on it and so skinny. and it makes me so, sosick. i’m sick all the time. i’m scared of radiation. i’m scared of how everything wehave around us all the time apparently causes cancer.

Victoriella

Date posted: 23h

You are not alone in this. The way you’re feeling is valid. This society makes it seem like we have to go, go, go. But we were never created to do all of this… remove yourself from that way of thinking. People are judgmental in nature. Let them be. But as for you, be the light—the difference in this world that does not succumb to the social pressures of doing. Just be. I struggled with this too when I was in the military. Still do, but I’m learning that none of this is necessary.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

my period is 2 months late and i'm not pregnant

Smiley35

Date posted: 23w

Need to vent

I need to vent to someone, anyone who would understand. I turned 37 yesterday I had a great birthday except for the fact I was scarily bloated and felt like I couldn't breathe most of the day. I have a bad gallbladder and I've had stones since at least 2011 but I rarely have issues with it. I haven't had an attack in 5 years and recently I got a scan on my abdomen because I started counting calories in early March to try and lose weight and that is the only time I have gallbladder issues is when I'm eating less calories and exercising. I'm not like most people who get attacks when they eat junk food. So I started getting symptoms and I went in for a scan and it came back abnormal and I was supposed to have a video visit with the doctor on Tuesday but I moved it to Friday (tomorrow) because I didn't want bad news before my birthday. I CAN NOT stop ruminating about this and I compulsively Google and read reddit posts about people who had their gallbladder out and how much pain they were in and how much they regret it and have chronic diarrhea. I learned about a gallbladder flush in early 2021 but have been to scared to do that and I'm in a fb group with a lot of people who do the flushes and even some have said a stone has gotten stuck while doing it and it was EXTREMELY painful (if you've had gallbladder attacks you know. So now I'm literally spiraling in my head about how if I do the flush a stone could get stuck and it will be emergency surgery or If I don't try a flush I'll have to have surgery anyway. Like the flush feels like a literal mental block I can't get past. There's an ER across the street but I literally went in the other day cause I was feeling super bloated after having starbucks and felt short of breath. I asked the lady if I needed emergency surgery if they could do it there and she said no they would have to transport me and the nearest hospital is 10 minutes away. Another roadblock to keep me from even wanting to attempt a flush. Gallbladder issues run in my family. My mom had hers out when she had me and back then in the 80s it was a huge surgery and she even has a big scar down her stomach. My aunt and uncle got theirs out and they both regret it. Everything I've read online scares the shit outta me. I've started taking my supplements to try and heal me and I'm going to be trying to clean up my diet. I stopped drinking alcohol 9 months ago. Anyway, tonight my mom got into it with me cause I live with her cause my mutiple health problems and she said she's sick of hearing about my health issues and she told me she talked behind my back about me to her friends at the dog park and about how I made my birthday all about me. What she was saying is I kept complaining about my gallbladder and her friend said "oh that's how they are at that age, she's a teenager right?" And my mom said "no, she's almost 40." It made me feel like absolute dog *sh*t and I just went into the bathroom and broke down in tears and started looking up apartments. I have been living here for 4 years and I can't seem to get better to get a job and move out. I'm so sick of my mom and my family not understanding or even trying to understand how hard it is living with anxiety and OCD. I have such a legit fear of surgery that I passed on ankle surgery 4 years ago despite being told I'll probably have ankle arthritis some day and need either an ankle replacement or ankle fusion. I had my wisdom teeth out in 2014 that's the only surgery I've ever had an even though I had no pain afterwards I still dealt with a bunch of bs and I'm just not mentally, physically or emotionally strong enough to do it. I guess I'll just go back to shutting my mouth and talking to a.i. about my health scares cause at 37 years old I've just learned that no one gives an f about you and you just gotta learn to suck it up and put on your big boy pants. I just feel so stuck and defeated everyone 😔

Sunflowerr444

Date posted: 18w

**talks about SA**

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Just venting....

Hi. I'm just sort of feeling kind of shitty and in moments like these I tend to swing to one extreme or the other, like methodicially and intensely trying to pull apart every piece of what I am feeling and why, determine what is a "real" problem and what is just a bad mood, and take action to "fix" myself, the problem, or ensure that future me will fix it by setting reminders, planning, or just generally freaking out lol. That can all be a bit compulsive, but I don't want to do my other thing, which is just aggressively ignore or try to deny my feelings because they are "not real" or I just need to "let them go". But I'm feeling a little frozen in my fears so I am hoping de-tangling it a bit in words here will be a good middle ground. I'm about to be a senior in college, and I live in the city where my school is. I haven't seen my family for a bit and I am currently spending a weekend with them at the beach. Today was just kind of rough and has made the past, present, and future collide in my head, fanning fears of both external problems and the fear of fear itself, the fear of OCD spirals. I want to more specically describe the problems I have been having since starting college, but I guess for getting through today that isn't really the point. I guess just....I've been trying to create a life for myself and become someone who is strong enough to live it. I have ADHD and OCD and sometimes it just feels like half my energy goes to functioning through that, and the other half goes to resisting the OCD-urge to spiral about the future, to fear I'll let my life fall apart or won't be able to fix the normal, big and small problems life brings. Today has just felt.....hard. I ate something that made me really sick last night, and I didn't take my normal dose of Adderall today or yesterday which can just make me sort of sleepy. On both phsyical counts, I think I'm fine and don't really feel bad anymore, it just sort of triggered some overthinking. I feel scared that feeling kind of tired has/will effect my ability to enjoy what is supposed to be a relaxing time, or that I won't' have as much energy as I should to do things with my family and will disspoint them. I'm scared that the journey back to the city tomorrow will be chaotic and awful, and that when I return I will continue to make mistakes that put me in negative cycles. Strangely, I'm kind of aware that all of these concerns are either possibly not going to happen, or are just things I definetely cannot do anything about right now. I'm just sort of...frustrated that I can't easily shove away worries I know to be "illogical" and deeply afraid of spiraling deeper. All of these different things overlapping right now just sort of make me feel like I've failed. Failed to.....I don't know, resist compulsions and get over them faster, accomplish things in life and school faster/more, be less socially anxious. Failed to get on the right track, to make any kind of progress. Strangely, a lot of the discomfort I'm feeling in this moment indirectly sort of comes from things I am doing "right", to break cycles. I didn't bring my meds because I want to work on the discomfort I feel with spending time without the goal of productivity, I don't have an exact plan for everything I need to do and I have not psyched myself up to tackled my most urgent goals when I get home because I've also been working on finding ways of doing uncomfortable things that don't involve motivating myself through terror when I can't do anything about it. I'm letting myself take time to cry about all these feelings and write this out here because I don't want to deny myself what I need to get better because I feel like I shouldn't need it. I'm hoping, in a way, even the shitty day I've had today is a sign of progress, my OCD desperately seeking a host in fear of fear because I am beating other compulsions. I think there's also something to be said for the unserious but still powerful issue of just fucking being on vacation with your extended family. Like....its hard to take a moment to cry it out or calm yourself down when you're sharing a bedroom with your mom and sister. I'm feeling glad I'm going home tomorrow, scared of how I might feel when I do, and I guess....fearful of what it means that I wasn't "able" to enjoy myself for the whole time I was here. But those feelings do feel much more distant, after writing this. The time will pass and I will go home regardless. When I get home, maybe I will make "better" choices or be "stronger", maybe I will dig a deep hole for myself. Either way, that's not my burden right now or today. I've tried that method and it didn't get me what I want.

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a vent, i don't know if this is allowed

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