RJ and ROCD making me feel not "normal" and sad :<

Hi all, I’m quite new to the whole ROCD thing as I was just diagnosed after years of thinking I just “wasn’t meant for love/dating” because of how horribly I would spiral into a depressive, extremely dread-filled and horrifically anxious state of mind and immediately cut it off during the talking stage with guys. After breaking up with a guy who I truly liked and cared for TWICE, I was finally diagnosed with OCD and it all really makes sense now. It feels weird trying to explain it to others though… I don’t know if I’m alone in these feelings, but it feels like every time I start talking to a guy—usually after the first date but the worries are extreme even in the beginning when I perceive that they are starting to like me—I end up in this major depressive episode where I don’t feel real or like myself, I can’t take care of myself, I’m either hysterically crying or I feel numb, I feel completely trapped (even if we’re not officially dating yet), I question everything in case I’m missing a red flag of some kind or some hint that this person isn’t right for me (even with simple things like a guy giving me flowers, I end up thinking “is this moving too fast? Is he being weird? Is this love bombing? What if he has an ulterior motive? Why did he really give me these?” when logically I know it’s probably nothing) I feel like I’m always looking for evidence to see if they are secretly weird, if we aren’t compatible (always “casually” ask them to take the Myers-Briggs Personality Test to try to find out as much information as humanly possible right off the bat due to fear of being stuck with them only after realizing their real personality) It then typically escalates to a point where I never want to check my phone in fear that they texted me, I feel smothered from any communication, I wish for them to break up/break it off with me, the thought of them just icks me out and almost disgusts me, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t stomach going out with friends or family of theirs, and I usually need to introduce 24/7 drugs of some kind (weed and nicotine) to my daily routine to cope with the feelings/use it to eat something because I can’t eat when I’m with them/due to the anxiety around dating them. With the man I just broke up with FOR THE SECOND TIME AFTER A WEEK OF DATING, it had gotten to a point—as it always does—where the pain of trying to be with them is greater than my appreciation for them. I might smile at my phone when they text me and be full of joy around them, but the portion of time when I’m NOT around them and left to just think about the relationship or observing how they are behaving rather than being in the moment is just too much. Once I break it off though, it feels like a bag has been lifted over my head and I’m finally back to my normal self. I usually need a couple days to emotionally recover, and then I’m up and cleaning my home, taking care of myself, and back to making plans with others. I feel lonely then and might miss them, but I know it’s just not fair to ANYONE right now to date someone like me. Is this relatable? Do I sound crazy? - Z

Hi everyone, I’m a 21-year-old single demisexual, recently diagnosed with OCD, and it’s hitting me hard with relationship and intimacy struggles at the moment. I only feel attraction after a deep connection, and I see intimacy as a sacred, love-first thing—not about pleasure but bonding with someone special. My OCD makes me obsess over needing to know a partner’s every thought and feeling, wanting them to view intimacy exactly like I do. I spiral when I can’t understand them or when they don’t get me, craving validation and reassurance like it’s air. It’s exhausting, and I feel like an anxious hamster sometimes, chasing answers I can’t have. Retroactive jealousy (RJ) is the worst part. I’m somewhat okay with serious past relationships now—I try to see them as proof someone can commit. But casual pasts or “big numbers” make my brain throw a tantrum. I don’t get seeking casual pleasure, ever—it’s so alien to me. I’m terrified of a partner who’s “done it all,” thinking they’d compare me or find me less special because they've already had all their first with someone else and know what they want while I’m clueless about intimacy. I know most people want someone who are mature and sure of what they like and want, but for me I find it more comforting knowing the other person is just as clueless as me, even it it'll be awkward. I want someone who needs a deep connection to even think about it, someone who waited for love like I do, not someone who experimented and now wants to settle. Part of this is my values—intimacy should be sacred—but part feels like insecurity, like I’ll never be enough or bring anything new. I don’t know where the line is, and it’s confusing. Dating feels impossible because most people my age are fine with casual, and I’m not. I’m lonely, craving love and closure, but my OCD screams I’ll be alone for years, stuck as the “clueless” one while others are experienced. Intrusive thoughts about partners’ pasts or “what they learned” haunt me, and I can’t quiet them, even though I know they’re not logical. I’m seeing a psychologist soon, but I’m struggling now. How do you manage RJ and stop obsessing over casual pasts or needing perfection? Any tips for calming intrusive thoughts or dating with these values? I want to be gentler with myself and stop feeling so scared. Thanks for any advice!

So I don’t normally do this … I can’t remember the last time I posted on here but I’m having a really rough day today and would appreciate anyone’s support or advice without giving too much reassurance. I’ve been dealing with OCD for the last 2 1/2 years. I’ve been in ERP therapy for the same amount of time and it’s just been a real struggle. When it comes to logic, I know everything you can know about the brain and how it works and OCD and how it operates. I’ve dealt with harm OCD, sexual OCD, health OCD, and now relationship OCD. Every single one of them at the time felt like the worst one yet. When it comes to the response prevention part of ERP I consistently have a hard time. My brain goes so out of control that no matter what I try to do (or not do) nothing works or nothing helps. With ROCD right now it’s surrounding my marriage and it’s really distressing. It started off with complete numbness around my husband, I felt a really intense disconnect from him like I didn’t love him anymore. I had thoughts of divorce, I’ve had thoughts of him not being the same towards me, I’ve felt fake around him like I was lying about wanting to be with him. Then the OCD would completely flip the script and I would feel guilt for feeling these things. Like an intense sadness comes over me and I just sob. The one that is really hurting me right now is a situation where I was on social media a while back and I happen to comment on someone’s page just for the fact that they posted something funny and relatable. The person (who’s a male) messaged me and I responded to them. I didn’t cross any lines, nothing inappropriate was said, but I was almost expecting this person to be flirty with me (which he wasn’t). If he was flirty, I would’ve told him that I was married anyway. And I would’ve showed my husband the whole thing like I’ve done before. However, the fact that I responded to this person and not others is what my brain can’t let go of. All day I’m questioning my intent., why I would expect this person to be flirty with me, why would I want him to be etc ….. Another incident yesterday I was gonna post a picture on social media (which I very rarely do) and as I was about to post it, I get flooded with these thoughts saying “ post it so other guys can see”, “ guys are gonna comment and my husband is going to see”, “ post it to make my husband jealous”. I didn’t end up posting anything but again the whole question of my intent behind almost posting it has me in a complete spiral. “I wanted other men’s attention”, “why would I want other men’s attention and not my husband”, “did I want my husbands attention and that’s why I wanted to post it”, “what if I ended up talking to these guys and liking it”. The spiral was so bad that it put me in a complete and total meltdown in my house. I feel like there’s a reason behind wanting attention from other people., I almost feel like I emotionally cheated, I feel like I shouldn’t continue therapy anymore because after all this time, I’m still in this mess of a situation. I’m just having a really hard time today. I don’t know what’s true and I don’t know what’s not and I’m hurting. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has experience this or something similar to it? If anyone else finds ERP challenging.? Any words of hope would be greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much.