just give me some hope🥺

All sorts of things bother me. I can’t even name them. I feel so alone, and I don’t really have many hocd thoughts. But I keep thinking about what’s wrong with me. I really wouldn’t want to be asexual or aromantic — I feel like there is a desire inside me to be close to someone, more intimately, safely. Of course I often think about sex too. I’m 21, and it honestly hurts that even people younger than me experience love, relationships, closeness. And I feel like I can’t, like I’ll never fall in love. And at the same time I hope I’m not a lesbian :( I hope I’m not just forcing myself to be straight, like what if I’m only imagining that I’m straight. I feel like I can’t talk about the topic of men with anyone — I feel anxiety and start getting uncomfortable because I feel like I’m lying to myself, that I’m not straight. And I’m scared that this is a sign that I’m not into men. Because if I were straight, I probably wouldn’t have these feelings, right? But then I imagine a man’s hands caressing me, hugging me… and I actually tend to imagine intimate things with a man. But in real life I don’t like anyone. And if someone would told me to try to find someone, to download a dating app for example, to reach out to someone — suddenly I feel like I don’t want to, like I want to run away, and I start feeling sick. But at the same time I have no desire to date women either, I’ve never wanted a relationship with a woman. I’d rather not even think about it. I keep testing it in my head. Whenever love or relationships are mentioned, I feel like running away. But why do I feel some kind of longing inside, or want to not be left out of that feeling? To also have the chance to love, to experience a relationship, maybe even s*x if I felt trust and closeness. But I really don’t understand any of this anymore. Maybe I’m just too emotional today and it hurts me inside. I really wouldn’t want to find out that I’m a lesbian. Because I’m not even interested in looking for women. I never have been. I never had a reason to. I only admired women and wanted to be like them and yea i like my friends but that’s it. It troubles me. I guess I don’t know what love is. At the same time, why did I have that thought recently about that one man, a long time ago — just the image of him giving me a kiss on my forehead, and then later the idea that he gave me flowers, and it made me cry. I felt it in my chest. And even when I remembered it later during the day, I didn’t feel uncomfortable. It felt good. Like it warmed my heart a little. But I’m scared that it’s fake. And what if men actually disgust me. 💔