I think groinal response is holding me back

I’m pretty sure what i’m doing is a compulsion but this is the last time i’ll come on here and do this. I have a private social media account just to have exposures readily available to me and so i don’t have that content flooding my real account. I see a lot of lesbian content on there like couples, coming out stories, tons of masc lesbians (biggest trigger), stuff like that. Whenever I see stuff like that I force myself to watch and i’m noticing how i’m building up a tolerance bc im way less anxious whenever i see content like that or things involving wlw couples. I saw a more feminine couple and made myself go through their account bc i was feeling brave since more feminine presenting women aren’t as anxiety inducing to me as masculine women. I watched their videos, refrained from doing compulsions, and bam as soon as they kiss or get handsy i get a groinal response. I continued to scroll down and I see more lesbian couples kissing and more “how i realized i was gay” videos. after getting a groinal response from watching a lesbian couple makeout (it was a “just to be with youuuu foreverrrr” video). I felt nothing at first but then when i see it i think to myself like “oh this is sexual” and get anxious or feel anticipatory anxiety, and then i got a really strong groinal response. I’ve learned to just brush it off and continue without analyzing, but the video that showed after was of a straight couple basically doing the same thing but i had zero reaction anywhere. No groinal response, no attraction to the guy, just numbness. Then I start to think “what if this is just me being in denial” and I remember how i’ve basically have had loss of attraction for 6 years, and I feel like the groinal might be real and just me lying to myself. I just wish I had that same sexual and physical attraction I had towards men before this theme started years ago. I feel like it would be so much easier to manage it. I literally have no libido AT ALL i’m never ever in the mood and feel sexually numb. Im numb to straight sexual content or anything regarding men. All of this, my past childhood experimenting (i’ve posted tons about this before), my issues being intimate and affectionate w my ex’a, TMI my arousal to anything sexual, and the other proof floods my head whenever i notice these things. I’m not going to dwell on this anymore tonight but I just needed to vent about it. Hopefully this is just OCD and I can live the life i’ve always wanted. If not then 🧍‍♀️idk.

🏔️

Date posted: Yesterday

I understand this I struggle with the groinal responses to I was on Facebook a long time ago when I stopped on a head shot of a women and then it happened I dont remember having any thoughts because before that I wasn't worried about all of this I get a throbbing sensation but it doesn't really make me want to have sex at all its not that im wet or in the mood or whatever else I can be doing nothing and it happen like my husband kissed me and it happened I didnt Want to have sex then either but just that feeling worries me so much " I must be gay" I cant go deeper into detail but only if u want me to I'll leave it there for now tho it sucks to go through this and I prayer it was really nothing in the first place but we will get through it

Anon234

Date posted: 21h

Hey, I just want to say that this is (unfortunately) pretty normal for a lot of us struggling with this theme. What helps is kind of just sitting in the uncertainty of it all. I know it’s hard but that’s just what needs to be done. You can also kind of ground yourself in reality. That sensation can be caused by a multitude of different things like overwhelming anxiety or just your body reacting to random stimulus. Those sensations do not necessarily equate to desire. Another thing is that when we’re constantly anxious, all attraction and desire shuts down. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been going on, it’s the fact that you’ve been noticing these things occurring while in the moment of experiencing peak anxiety. Your anxiety does not define you or who you desire, desire is defined by consistent attraction over time when not fueled by an anxiety spiral. The best thing to do right now is to sit with the uncertainty though. I just gave you the facts of the matter but in reality it’s just a matter of accepting the possibility and moving forward. Also try not to over expose yourself if you’re not ready or if you’re in a moment of high anxiety because that focus and worsen those physical responses. Engage with the content for a set period of time and work your way up to the “scarier” stuff. Work with your therapist to design a proper exposure plan that works for you. Good luck!

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