Old compulsions and ruminations aren’t satisfying

I wanted to share some positivity because I know as we’re all healing we need to look at success stories to see what’s happening in other people’s brains after they have successfully been “set free” You can see the subtypes of OCD I struggled with in the tags, it was a lot at once. And it all came at me in the span of 7 weeks. But prior to the actual crisis, I had always had ocd tendencies. Intense ruminations about other people’s problems, my own identity, how others saw me. I didn’t realize how debilitating it was until I got on antipsychotic medication and saw what it’s like to have a clear mind. And not ruminate compulsively. I am in many aspects 95% ocd free. The 5% is the fact that OCD is chronic and genetic. Technically you’ll always “have it” but if it’s under control it’s as if you don’t even have it. That’s my interpretation. Today was an interesting day. I had a depressive episode where I genuinely felt helpless and hopeless and said many things that I regret. Today I tried out some of my old habits and compulsions to see what they would feel like. And they felt repulsive. Boring. And completely opposite of who I’ve been working on becoming the past month I’ve been in IOP and medicated. IOP alone has helped me to surround myself with positivity and realize that I am the furthest thing from solo in my struggles with mental health. Writing down affirmations, creating tool kits to challenge my thoughts, journaling and getting busy with focusing on my faith has been transformative in a way I didn’t think was possible. Yes, you will have lows. You will have depressed and anxious days. You will have times you feel like the thoughts are coming back or the mental compulsions will try to creep up on you. But once you’re on the right medication; start working with the right people and build those tool kits and hobbies that work for you, it will progressively get better. But you have to stay the course. I thought about giving up on my medication. I thought about giving up on IOP. I thought about throwing away my progress for my old life. But today I looked back and I realized: oh my gosh that was horrific, I like the “new me” much better. My medication is so interesting because you feel it working in your brain. Anytime a mental compulsion or old habit tries to creep up on me, I feel that forehead pressure and the thought being blunted and almost dissipating. The chemical brakes are working as they should in my frontal lobe lol. You will find old compulsions feel boring and unnecessary and your mind will naturally drift towards things that are actually tangible. Like for me, a tangible is was checking in with the community that has been helpful for me to stay on track with my recovery. I do feel “bad” that I even attempted to entertain old habits today. But I also feel happy that my sheer reaction and feeling towards these old things is proof that my anti virus softwares are working as intended. And I wish you healing too.