Religious OCD trigger warning, mostly about Christianity : My religious OCD is rampant today. I keep having thoughts like: am I really saved? Do I have any fruit in my life? Do I really believe I’m a sinner? Does questioning this mean I’m really not saved? The pastor said you have to know for sure, but what if I don’t? My biggest problem is that I work in ministry so I’m feeling like a big fraud today. The Bible and all pastors say I should have assurance on salvation, but not with OCD. I’m always terrified that I’ll be one of those people who serves in ministry for years and then realizes they were never saved. I used to pray for salvation every day and I really mean it, but then I question it. It is so hard

Sounds to me like you think because you don’t FEEL like a good Christian, that means you ARE not a good Christian. OCD often likes us to tell us if we feel some particular way we must be that thing. Example: if I feel contaminated, then I must be contaminated. But as you can imagine these two aren’t inherently linked. This is a type of thought-action fusion. Feeling one way way does provide evidence that you are that thing. I can feel stupid, yet be a Nobel Prize winner. Our feelings do not dictate the reality of the situation.

I am a worship singer and I get the same thoughts too like I'm not worthy of being up there because of my ocd or because I'm truly not anointed. It's very depressing so I really understand your struggle. But I agree with LaPink. Your name is written on the palm of God's hand. You matter. You are important. You are anointed. You are loved unconditionally.

You should look up the concept dark night of the soul

I relate to this so much

I have the exact same fears and it causes me to avoid people and going to church. Don’t give up. Be open with other believers about your doubts - your church family is there to support you and encourage you. Salvation is a decision but mostly much more sanctification which means that in time as we grow, we learn more about Gods love and grace through our life’s circumstances and this daily softens our hearts. Tell Jesus about your fears or prayer journal them. He was afraid and asked God for certainty the night before the Cross so he understands our human feelings.