I think White Knighting/Helping is a Compulsion

TW: mention of my internal thoughts related to racism I am constantly stressed (no matter where I go, or who I'm talking to) about systemic oppression and problems in the world (namely racism, poverty, sexism, transphobia, climate change & environmental degredation) and how I can contribute to fix it. Its like a mental bug in my mind that won't stop saying "this is a problem you should be aware of and doing something about RIGHT NOW or else something terrible is going to happen and it will be all your fault." I dont like socializing very much anymore because this is always running through my mind, so when I engage in any sort of conflict or confrontation or anything outside of me doing something to help someone, I feel overwhelmed and sometimes break down emotionally. I feel like I can't do normal or fun things without getting distracted by and focusing on intrusive thoughts. This has been a significant problem since I was a teenager. It started with being worried about recycling properly or driving my car too much, or leaving the lights on. Now its gotten to "if i look at this Black person awkwardly, are they going to think I'm racist?" and then latching onto that thought and doing mental compulsions to figure out how I can avoid being racist. I am in fact White, if that was not obvious already lol. I feel like helping and engaging is more of a compulsion than something I actually love doing or want to do, instead it feels like something I HAVE to do. Im burned out constantly because in most of my relationships, Im just trying to figure out ways I can make peoples' libes better, I'm not actually being present or enjoying my time with them/engaging fully with an activity. I dont want to live in a state of constant burn out and obsessive thoughts. I want to tolerate being uncomfortable and allowing shit that's out of my control to just be, but there's lots of intrusive thoughts running through my mind telling me "you have to do something about this or else someone, somewhere will be harmed by you"

ElusiveButte...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

As a white girl who cares about the same issues, I feel you. For me it is hard balancing the knowledge of systemic issues and knowing we are at some level forced to participate in these systems in order to survive. Some days it feels like every single choice I make will harm a person or community in some way or take away from an important issue. Balancing how/when to speak up and help and when to listen and learn feels overwhelming, I always worry that I am not the person to speak on a certain issue or that whatever I say will be twisted or taken the wrong way by whoever is meant to receive it. I try my best to still force myself to get out of bed and do things and accept the discomfort as part of my OCD but it is hard! You’re not alone

fruitbat42069

Date posted: 15h

Its so nice to know I'm not alone in this. It feels really isolating at times because it feels like with my white friends and family members, that they insinuate I care way too much and they treat me like im crazy, which, i can now understand is because of the obsessive thinking, but the stigma is what hurts and makes me spiral more when i dont talk about this openly with people (because i feel shameful about it). It's helped recently, to talk with my friends who are POC, who are also understanding of mental health conditions, cause they can usually see how the OCD is affecting me, but also see through to the parts of me that are just white boy being ignorant about racism lol. It's helpful to be able to recognize and separate the two, like what's OCD and what's the actual systemic issues that affected my understanding of the world.

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