Is it False Memory OCD OR Real Event OCD ?

I’ve been battling my mind since October 13th 2011. Since I was 17 years old. I am now 32 years old and I’m embarrassed that it took this long to be properly diagnosed. Even though I’ve tried to find answers for years. Answer through science, medicine and church. I just finally realized last year in August 2025 that I had False Memory OCD. After years of multiple therapists, trying medications. Anways, I hate my subtype because it is false memory OCD. It’s the most vicious of them all for me because it involves harm OCD. This got reignited after my great grandmother passed away with me in January 2022, she was 89 years old . I started to detach from reality after weeks of dealing with her death and my family and I planning her funeral. I started to detach from reality and I accused myself of smothering her with a pillow. Because I just could not understand why and how she would pass away with me out of all people. Even though all the signs of her transitioning naturally were there. I couldn’t believe or accept it. I started to have nightmares that I miraculously smothered her. I loved her, I can’t even remember getting disciplined a lot as a child. She also never bothered me as an adult either. I would have to make her leave the house to go grocery shopping. We were thick as thieves ! It took me quite a few episodes to realize, my memory of her death was false ! A year later, my childhood boyfriend grandmother died in 2023 when she was like 94 years old . I was nowhere near her death or near her years prior to her death either . I had not been around her since 2016 when I was 22 years old . But in 2024, I seen him and I started having a plethora of intrusive thoughts and sadly intrusive images. I’ve been currently battling and thinking about times I’ve been alone with his grandmother overnight ( even when he was not around ). His grandmother would beg me to spend a night with her and I could never tell her no even though him and I were not together anymore. My mind went as far as convincing me that I poisoned one of her bottled water in her refrigerator, with a little house hold bleach. Let me remind you, I never cooked for his grandmother , I never cleaned their home or anything. She moved around really well back in 2016. It’s like my mind, is creating a space where, I get out of bed in her guest room, sneak in her kitchen in the middle of the night. And take a jug of bleach ( from I don’t know where because I’m unsure where they would keep it ) maybe under the kitchen sink. And I grab an already cold bottle of water , and I add bleach to it and place it in the refrigerator. My mind is like.. maybe the bleach ate through her organs , cause lung and blood challenges. Then that’s how she dies 7 years later ? I hate it so much because I would never desire to harm anyone. But I worry. Am I sick and evil OR am I mentally ill ? No negative thoughts come to mind when humans are in my presence. But it can be 10 years later, my false memory will have me doubt memories and it will create intrusively. I’ve already tried to do right by everyone I come in contact with. I don’t have children yet. But I’ve been a care giver to almost everyone in my life from raising others children and taking care of elders. But what if I’m not the person that I say that I am ? I worry about being a monster in plain sight. I don’t want to lose this battle. I’ve fought so hard to be alive and exist. Nothing has seemed to work. What if these things are true.