Mikey | 22 | Texas | Not diagnosed

Hey! Having intrusive thoughts and impulses have always been apart of me. I wanted to try this app/community out because only within the past year did I start to question if I could have OCD or a form of it, severe or not. I got into my first relationship at 18 and we were together for 3 years, broke up for 9 months, and recently got back together. I am a black, fem, gay man with not much experience, and my boyfriend is primarily white with past relationships. This being my first relationship, it had hit me pretty hard as I had a lot insecurities of his intentions and his past exes. i became obsessed with stalking his exes social medias and comparing myself. I had become extremely co dependent from having a hard time within my home/parents, so my boyfriend became my everything at the time. Even getting back together maybe a month into everything, I started repeating some patterns and habits. Obsessing over him and his life, wanting us to be “where we were before”. Since our getting back together, he’s made a lot of efforts to reassure me and wanting to prove me of his maturity, that being a reason for our separation (mostly was me needing space and feeling incapable of dating). Its been really great but again I’m comparing myself. Ruminating on past events or made up scenarios has always been something I struggled with, with or without a relationship. I started seeking validation anyway I can, feeling as though my life has no control and that I was mentally insane. I’ve been obsessively cleaning my space and seeking things that I know I have control over (video games, weed, drinking). I feel jealous that he’s better than before and I feel as though I still need so much reassurance. I now doubt myself and my ability to trust us again, but I want to make an effort to better myself, mostly for my mental health and the security of our relationship. Just yesterday I blew up at him for being “better than me” and he recommended that I started to find some healthy sources in my life that didn’t always involve him and I took offense. I immediately understood his POV this morning and have been trying to save myself again. Of course there’s so much more minor details but I wanted to try and fit as much of my thoughts as I could. I apologize for this being so long LOL but expressing myself has been a goal of mine this year so this is me doing just that. I hope someone resonates or just likes to read. :) photo is me