Very time I see a video on Instagram like “my toxic relationship with a narcissist” it trigger me so much ?I don’t want to be a narcissist

I was toxic towards my boyfriend and we are currently ona break. I was raised similarly to you- the people loved me but it was tough for them to show it so I learned to essentially be a hard-ass. It was more tough love than the kind of love he recieved growing up. Along with ocd patterns it really affected him. How did you get past this with your boyfriend? Im terrified I broke him I can only think that im an abuser and that I am toxic

I understand how you feel so much we have the same trigger!! this is a rare type of ocd so sometimes I feel that this is not ocd I am so glad you are healing and being a better woman. I think that the sentence « people can change » make my anxiety better

@sorryitsemmy Yeah, I wasn’t raised right at all. My parents neglected me and my needs, never taught me what’s right or wrong or any life lessons, they didn’t set good examples so everything they did or said became the norm in my mind, they isolated me so I thought that was okay and because of that I have the worst social skills now and communication skills. My parents are not parents sadly and I have nothing to do with them after all they did to me. Then having ocd patterns and not knowing what was wrong with me till September of last year I really really really fucked up and made a lot of mistakes in my relationship. My partner is the sweetest man in the world so loving, caring, understanding and through it all he loved me even when I was the biggest bitch of all time and didn’t trust him because my ocd said it was dangerous. Honestly, I’m thankful for him because if it wasn’t for him I don’t think I would have gotten better. He’s helped me realized my issues without even saying anything and he’s the reason I was so motivated to get better because I don’t want to lose him. I gave my first sincere apology towards him back in September after a week of us not talking when I recognized my behaviors. In that week reality hit me and I realized who I had become. If you know me, I’m someone who is extremely sensitive so when I realized I had become all the things I hated it tore me up. All I did that week after realizing the monster I had before was cry. Cry, cry, cry. When we talked after that week and our minds were clear he forgave me, he understood everything. We were fighting so much almost everyday all because of my ocd creating these lies in my head then my other issues like insecurity, jealousy, etc. That I was putting a strain on our relationship. He said he never hated me and he believed in me to get better. So what did I do? researched all I could about ocd, communication, childhood trauma and did everything myself. I know it sounds like a lot and trust me it was. From September of 2019 - December of 2019 I spent that whole time recovering from ocd and I never made any true progress till November. Ali Greymond’s videos helped me through my recovery and going through ocd recovery i actually gained my confidence back, I learned to trust others and let love back in my life, I’m no longer an angry person all the time, I’m no longer judgmental or being controlling, I got rid of all the negative things in my life that could influence me to be negative like social media for example. I’m not proud of who I was in the past and i never will be. I’m ashamed of my past. But, I’ve owned up to my mistakes, educated myself, apologized, and worked on myself to be better to my partner, my friends and most importantly, myself. I’m trying to work on dealing with past guilt atm and I’m making some progress. So, I just want you to know that you shouldn’t be terrified. I think owning up to your mistakes and giving a sincere apology and actually working on changing is the best thing you can do. I’m proud of you for recognizing your behavior and know that you’re not alone. Some people never acknowledge their behavior because they think what they are doing is perfectly fine but at least you recognized it and you even know why you act the way you do. The best gift you could ever give to yourself or him is you getting better. We all have things we are ashamed of doing but as long as we continue to grow and acknowledge our wrongdoings then I think we can handle this whole life thing. Humans are mistake making machines that’s something that’s helped me.

@bebrave❤️ oh yes definitely! Anyone can change as long as they want to. <3

@huneyskiss Wow, thank you! I’ve done a lot of research and have learned a lot. I never was really taught how to love because I wasnt shown a lot of it and nobody in my family talks to eachother and they all handle issues incredibly poorly- so I learned that way. When my boyfriend would confront me about something I did, I immediately became defensive. I knew I was wrong but anger and ocd doubts kicked in telling me “get out of here. Defend yourself” even if I knew he was right. I want to apologize to him so badly but we’re currently not talking for three weeks now. I completely recognize my behavior and the time apart has made me reflect on what I cannot let my ocd and my past control. I have a lot of guilt about what his friends think about me and how they are influicing him since they see me being controlling, not my ocd driving me to insanity. Im definitely not proud of what I have done. Trust me, ive done a copious amount of research- my erp therapist made me stop because it was becoming a ritual. I really do feel like im a monster ive been incredibly bent out of shape for the last three weeks. In the past, with my ocd, my boyfriend was very understanding but I think I drove him off the edge. We’ve broken up twice before because ocd was screaming at me to leave and I didnt know I had ocd at the time- so I thought my thoughts we real and that it was a gut instinct.

I do believe this is ocd! I dealt with it in the wrong ways to be honest. I tried to control my anxiety and fears by trying to control everything in my life. Ocd made me believe I was a narccissist, that im toxic, that im abusive, and that im waiting for everyone to see how awful I am. The awful thoughts that I have because of OCD do not mean at all that I am awful. I am not my thoughts, and neither are you! Ive noticed a pattern in my other battles with ocd (fear of being gay, etc) and the thoughts I have directly attack me and my personal morals. I feared of being abusive and toxic so I believed that I was exactly that and used compulsions to calm my anxiety. I feared of being gay so I believed I was gay and used compulsions. There are patterns! If you find the pattern and what triggers it, you can recognize that your body is reacting to the trigger and that what your ocd is telling you is purely based on emotion- not on fact!

@sorryitsemmy Your post is very interesting thank you ! Sometimes I say to myself “maybe I was toxic or in a way to become a narcissist but now I am not and I can change to the better” I hope you will feel better soon!!

@bebrave❤️ You can have those thoughts but its important to say to them “whatever.” And not try to combat the thoughts to reassure yourself