- Username
- bebrave❤️
- Date posted
- 4y ago
omg... i still struggle with this. I’m happy I found someone who relates because it makes me feel less alone but I also feel bad that you have to go through this as well. I just want you to know that this IS ocd. trust me, people who are narcissistic will not be scared of being one I’ve lived with narcissistic people 18 years of my life and they do not admit when they do anything wrong. I won’t lie I did used to be toxic in my relationship with my current boyfriend but that’s because I wasn’t raised right and didn’t know anything so I reacted how the people who raised me would react which obviously wasn’t a good thing, I was suffering so much that I hurt him unintentionally with my words or just refusing to communicate plus ocd played into it as well which just made everything hell. But, Im a better person now. Definitely recovering from ocd and educating myself on things I never knew helped a lot. Tho when I see things like “toxic relationships” online I just can’t look at it because it’s a huge trigger for me. The word narcissistic and toxic do get thrown around very loosely these days that I feel like some people don’t really understand what they are now but I still get so triggered like “does that mean I’m still a bad person if I’m seeing this”
I was toxic towards my boyfriend and we are currently ona break. I was raised similarly to you- the people loved me but it was tough for them to show it so I learned to essentially be a hard-ass. It was more tough love than the kind of love he recieved growing up. Along with ocd patterns it really affected him. How did you get past this with your boyfriend? Im terrified I broke him I can only think that im an abuser and that I am toxic
I understand how you feel so much we have the same trigger!! this is a rare type of ocd so sometimes I feel that this is not ocd I am so glad you are healing and being a better woman. I think that the sentence « people can change » make my anxiety better
@sorryitsemmy Yeah, I wasn’t raised right at all. My parents neglected me and my needs, never taught me what’s right or wrong or any life lessons, they didn’t set good examples so everything they did or said became the norm in my mind, they isolated me so I thought that was okay and because of that I have the worst social skills now and communication skills. My parents are not parents sadly and I have nothing to do with them after all they did to me. Then having ocd patterns and not knowing what was wrong with me till September of last year I really really really fucked up and made a lot of mistakes in my relationship. My partner is the sweetest man in the world so loving, caring, understanding and through it all he loved me even when I was the biggest bitch of all time and didn’t trust him because my ocd said it was dangerous. Honestly, I’m thankful for him because if it wasn’t for him I don’t think I would have gotten better. He’s helped me realized my issues without even saying anything and he’s the reason I was so motivated to get better because I don’t want to lose him. I gave my first sincere apology towards him back in September after a week of us not talking when I recognized my behaviors. In that week reality hit me and I realized who I had become. If you know me, I’m someone who is extremely sensitive so when I realized I had become all the things I hated it tore me up. All I did that week after realizing the monster I had before was cry. Cry, cry, cry. When we talked after that week and our minds were clear he forgave me, he understood everything. We were fighting so much almost everyday all because of my ocd creating these lies in my head then my other issues like insecurity, jealousy, etc. That I was putting a strain on our relationship. He said he never hated me and he believed in me to get better. So what did I do? researched all I could about ocd, communication, childhood trauma and did everything myself. I know it sounds like a lot and trust me it was. From September of 2019 - December of 2019 I spent that whole time recovering from ocd and I never made any true progress till November. Ali Greymond’s videos helped me through my recovery and going through ocd recovery i actually gained my confidence back, I learned to trust others and let love back in my life, I’m no longer an angry person all the time, I’m no longer judgmental or being controlling, I got rid of all the negative things in my life that could influence me to be negative like social media for example. I’m not proud of who I was in the past and i never will be. I’m ashamed of my past. But, I’ve owned up to my mistakes, educated myself, apologized, and worked on myself to be better to my partner, my friends and most importantly, myself. I’m trying to work on dealing with past guilt atm and I’m making some progress. So, I just want you to know that you shouldn’t be terrified. I think owning up to your mistakes and giving a sincere apology and actually working on changing is the best thing you can do. I’m proud of you for recognizing your behavior and know that you’re not alone. Some people never acknowledge their behavior because they think what they are doing is perfectly fine but at least you recognized it and you even know why you act the way you do. The best gift you could ever give to yourself or him is you getting better. We all have things we are ashamed of doing but as long as we continue to grow and acknowledge our wrongdoings then I think we can handle this whole life thing. Humans are mistake making machines that’s something that’s helped me.
@bebrave❤️ oh yes definitely! Anyone can change as long as they want to. <3
@huneyskiss Wow, thank you! I’ve done a lot of research and have learned a lot. I never was really taught how to love because I wasnt shown a lot of it and nobody in my family talks to eachother and they all handle issues incredibly poorly- so I learned that way. When my boyfriend would confront me about something I did, I immediately became defensive. I knew I was wrong but anger and ocd doubts kicked in telling me “get out of here. Defend yourself” even if I knew he was right. I want to apologize to him so badly but we’re currently not talking for three weeks now. I completely recognize my behavior and the time apart has made me reflect on what I cannot let my ocd and my past control. I have a lot of guilt about what his friends think about me and how they are influicing him since they see me being controlling, not my ocd driving me to insanity. Im definitely not proud of what I have done. Trust me, ive done a copious amount of research- my erp therapist made me stop because it was becoming a ritual. I really do feel like im a monster ive been incredibly bent out of shape for the last three weeks. In the past, with my ocd, my boyfriend was very understanding but I think I drove him off the edge. We’ve broken up twice before because ocd was screaming at me to leave and I didnt know I had ocd at the time- so I thought my thoughts we real and that it was a gut instinct.
SAME!! When I see something on tiktok or insta where people talk about a toxic and abusive partner my brain says to me “you are them.” And my boyfriend and I are taking a break right now (my ocd and medication were turning me into a big bitch and I wasnt myself) but I can help but think we will not get back together because all I am is toxic and all I am is someone that sets an example of what not to want in a relationship. OCD attacks and makes you doubt the things that you care about most- dont forget that!
Wow this is exactly how I feel ! I coulnd not have a boyfriend anymore because I am to afraid of being toxic because of my teenager past when I was kind of toxic for real How do u deal with it ? Do u think this is ocd ? Like the same way people struggle to fear bein trans gay we fear being a narcissist?
I do believe this is ocd! I dealt with it in the wrong ways to be honest. I tried to control my anxiety and fears by trying to control everything in my life. Ocd made me believe I was a narccissist, that im toxic, that im abusive, and that im waiting for everyone to see how awful I am. The awful thoughts that I have because of OCD do not mean at all that I am awful. I am not my thoughts, and neither are you! Ive noticed a pattern in my other battles with ocd (fear of being gay, etc) and the thoughts I have directly attack me and my personal morals. I feared of being abusive and toxic so I believed that I was exactly that and used compulsions to calm my anxiety. I feared of being gay so I believed I was gay and used compulsions. There are patterns! If you find the pattern and what triggers it, you can recognize that your body is reacting to the trigger and that what your ocd is telling you is purely based on emotion- not on fact!
@sorryitsemmy Your post is very interesting thank you ! Sometimes I say to myself “maybe I was toxic or in a way to become a narcissist but now I am not and I can change to the better” I hope you will feel better soon!!
@bebrave❤️ You can have those thoughts but its important to say to them “whatever.” And not try to combat the thoughts to reassure yourself
i’m freaking out so much. i’ve been reading a lot about vulnerable / covert narcissism and i literally want to cry. these type of narcissists are introverted and sensitive and i am too. they’re also full of shame and i am too. and they want to be acknowledged which i do too. i feel so down when i’m left out. they also feel a lot of envy like me. i feel sick. i always thought not wanting to be the centre of attention made me LESS of a potential narcissist, but this new subtype of it has sent me spiralling so much. do these traits mean i’m a covert narcissist?!!! i’m so scared. i don’t think i’m entitled or super important... i just want to be enough and feel like i’m enough. i didn’t think that was narcissistic til reading all this stuff today. i’m generally a helper and try to be there for people to meet their needs. so i guess i just want people to look out for me aswell. but i read that these type of narcissists are like that too. i’m so upset rn, i don’t know what to do!!
freaking out a bit. i just read about how narcissists really really idealise partners and then a few weeks in they see that person’s flaws and get turned off. and i literally do that. i don’t know why but i just get easily turned off guys because i fall for the idea of them. also, i’ve realised i don’t feel that close with my friends and maybe i don’t even love them. i know i love my family, so i don’t think i’m a narcissist. but why don’t i love my friends?? and i read narcissists always blame the other person (‘oh i just haven’t found my people yet!’ ‘oh, he’s just not the one for me’) and i guess i do that too. i try to be hopeful that the right people will come along. these two things have been making me so anxious though. it feels like proper proof that i can’t ignore!!!!
I was getting better for a while, and then all the sudden the fear of being a narcissist is back. I don’t know what to do anymore, as I seemed to have lost all sense of self control that I had worked so hard to get. I recently found out that my mother was emotionally abusive and neglectful to me, to the point I have a form of PTSD known as CPTSD, and people seemed to be shocked when I told them some of the things she did, and that confused me. I didn’t know or even consider the possibility she might be abusive until I saw the shock on other peoples faces. I mentioned one time where me and my sister were fighting (we are adopted) over a toy when we were little, and she got mad and locked herself in the bathroom and then proceeded to make a loud fake phone call to the judge, asking him to send people to come and get us and take us away back to our biological parents because we “didn’t want her anymore and didn’t love each other”. She made me help my sister pack a suitcase too as I cried so hard I vomited and kicked on the door and begged her to hang up because I thought she was actually calling. She made sure it was loud enough for me to hear it. She often threatened to take the car and drive away and never come back or drive it into a ditch or a lake, she’d constantly vent to me (when I was really little) about how horrible her life is or was and what happened to her (such as SA and abuse from her husband) whenever she was mad at me. She’d say very loudly how bad of a mother she is, asking why God was punishing her with this life, begging God to kill her and that she’d go to hell, call herself bad names and even hit herself. She did that a lot, threatening to call the judge or someone to take us away, telling us we weren’t grateful for her whenever we acted out like normal kids. People have told me that is abuse, and honestly part of me doesn’t believe that still. I don’t have it in me to hate her, I just can’t. I tell her everything and go to her for everything, I RELY on her for everything. I’m still coming to terms with the fact I was abused as I thought I wasn’t, or that I was spoiled and bratty. I’ve apparently (my therapist told me) developed a coping mechanism of bottling up my feelings and not expressing myself because of this, and in turn it’s made me struggle to connect with others and then I wonder if I’m capable of love because of that. My biggest fear is hurting someone, and I get so scared that I’m not capable of love because I didn’t have many people in my life that loved me or showed me what love felt like. Relationships scare me, I get scared I will hurt the person, so I often offer them multiple ways out by saying “you can leave if you want, it’s okay.” Because I genuinely want them to know that they can leave if they feel like I’m not giving them what they need. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I struggle to assert myself and will often subconsciously seek out abusive relationships because they’re comforting and apparently what I’m used to/what I feel like I deserve. I even apologize to my abusers for defending myself or telling them that I didn’t like what they were doing to me. I’m very self critical and will tell myself that every thought and every feeling I have is wrong. If I feel anger I ask myself “why am I angry? Is that a valid reason to be angry? No. You can’t be angry, that’s wrong.” Same goes for sadness or any negative emotion. Even if I have a valid reason to be upset at someone, I gaslight myself into believing that it’s not valid and that I’m being bad for feeling the way I do. However when it comes to other people, I tell them to feel their feelings and that their feelings are beautiful, and make them human because I genuinely believe that feeling things is one of the most beautiful and fascinating things a human can do. I validate them for things I would criticize myself for, and genuinely believe that the person is valid despite not feeling the same amount of compassion for myself. All of this somehow has me convinced I’m a narcissist of some kind. An abuser of mine pointed out my mothers toxic and controlling behavior, but he ended up being the same way. He would constantly tear me down, verbally/emotionally and manipulate me, telling me how horrible I was by saying I was lazy and never did anything never tell him anything never do XYZ. Now that I can see he was right about my mother, I’m worried he’s right about me too. I’ve posted about it before on here, so if you’re curious you can look to see what else he’s done. Yes, I’ve apologized to him for reacting to his abuse, and genuinely felt bad for telling him that it made me uncomfortable or hurt me. I’m worried that I don’t feel empathy, that I can’t love, that I’m a bad person. I don’t know what to do anymore, the thoughts have gotten so loud it’s overwhelming. Even though my therapist has literally told me that I often put other peoples feelings ahead of my own, to the point I don’t know who I am or how I feel, I still wonder if I’m a narcissist. She often tells me “facts over feelings” because I would make excuses for my abusers behaviors or fail to stick up for myself because I was worried about how they’d react or how THEY would feel despite me being the one abused. I know this was long, but can someone please take the time to comment if you’ve gone through something similar or know of something that can help. I’m just so lost, and I need someone, please.
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