Ok, so can your sexuality change? Because literally all these articles I’ve read are saying yes, and if so, I’m screwed. Like HOCD may as well not be a thing because I’m just gonna turn gay or bi or whatever, right? Like this is so frustrating because I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know if I’m gay, bi, straight, whatever or if I have a mental illness that’s causing all of this. One source says it’s HOCD and others say “oh it’s okay! it’s perfectly normal to question your sexuality and oh yeah! your sexuality can totally change! oh and did you know women are more likely to be bi? and that sexuality is fluid actually?” Like which side do I believe? This is so exhausting. I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t even daydream about guys anymore and that’s literally all that made my depressing life a little bit happier and now that’s gone. Like what do I do? Just deal with it? This sucks.

So looks like I’ve hit a wall I haven’t hit ever with this ocd. If you can even call it ocd. I genuinely feel confused. Idk what’s real or not. Idk what my mind or body wants. I feel so stressed out. My thoughts don’t give me anxiety anymore and sometimes it genuinely feels like I want it and I’m just hiding it. I don’t get it. I even lost attraction to this girl I was madly interested in. I don’t know what to do anymore really. I see any dude and my mind automatically starts thinking “you’re attracted to him” literally every single guy I see. I’m not even kidding. I really don’t get what’s going on with me. I haven’t been diagnosed yet because there are no ocd specialists in my area. My mom told me once she thinks she has ocd and my aunt as well. But their ocd seems more like the “traditional” type of ocd where you can actually see their compulsions. I think I struggled from Religious ocd a few years back. Also with my ex girlfriend there was a period where I struggled with ROCD I believe but got over it. Now Hocd has definitely been the worst and what makes it worse is that I actually had a gay experience but even after that I didn’t question my sexuality. I maybe would get the ocasional “you’re gay” thought but wouldn’t pay it attention and it just went away. But now it just can’t leave my head. This has been going on since February. I used to be crazy for women, don’t know what’s wrong with me. I even had sex with the girl I really like about 2 weeks ago and really enjoyed it! But now my attraction for her seemingly disappeared out of nowhere when this hocd bull starts acting up again. I’m so tired of this.

I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.

❗️ I don‘t know what is true anymore. Some say sexuality fluid and some say sexuality isn’t fluid. I googled it and some studies believe that. That triggered my HOCD. I also read that „Sexual Fluidity“ is actually also an orientation. I‘m really irritated, there are so much names and orientations, so much other opinion. If sexuality is really fluid I don‘t know what to do anymore.