The past few days, I have been dealing with my OCD. My poison Self-Harm OCD. More specifically suicide. Now, I tell some people this, and they immediately get worried (Which is understandable), but what I am going through is the fear of doing the act. I don't want to die. A few days ago, I had allergies, and I thought I had the coronavirus. I starting getting nervous because people were dying from it. I can say now that I want to live, but these thoughts are SO repetitive and uncontrollable. Alongside with it, I have anxiety. Heart pounding anxiety (sometimes it goes to the extreme of panic attacks). I am not asking necessarily for advice, but I want you to know if you deal with HOCD, you are not alone. And if you don't know anything about this, well, you do now. ?

Yeah, that isn't the most easiest thing in the world. To be kind to yourself. Thank you for empathizing to me.

That’s interesting that having the topic jump to a different one means it’s a good sign. My topic has stayed consistently the same until last week, around the time I just started with my OCD therapist, that it for the first time starting jumping to new topics ?

@Evelyn4416 My therapist said your ocd will try to throw new things at you once you start working against it. He said it’s like an ex boyfriend who realizes you’re moving on so then they show up and bash your car windows out with a baseball bat.

@ejh Haha that’s a great analogy! Well if that’s the case I’m ready to fight back ?

@Evelyn4416 You and me both!

Yes, I agree with every word you have said. I have been dealing with this for 5 years. It was triggered after the the tragic suicide of my stepdad.

@Brandon H Im so sorry. I can’t even begin to fathom how that horrible that must have been for you and your family. Mine began out of nowhere it seems, in the middle of a bad anxiety episode. It really tries to eat at you and get you from so many angles, whether it be fears of developing depression and wanting to do it, fears of losing control and doing it, even thoughts presenting themselves at direct commands which is so scary. I have to keep reassuring myself, no matter how I feel, that it’s not be feeling this and it’s just the OCD.

Wow yes! There have been so many times where I try to make plans for future events or things I’d like to do later on and my mind tries to make me feel...idk the exact word, maybe guilty?...to make these plans because the thoughts say “well you’re not gonna be around for that”, so trying to make me feel like I have no choices. Also agree with the mind saying this is how you will die. I was on vacation around the time it started and I struggled so hard each day until I came back home. I remember breaking down and sobbing in front of my dad because I was so afraid that I was going to die on that trip. Same thing over Christmas, went through an especially rough patch and I was terrified I wouldn’t make it through Christmas, like I was scared I’d give up or lose control or something.

@Evelyn4416 That is exactly what I go through. I am only 19, and my mom always talks about me having a wife and kids, but my OCD destroys any hope of that for me.

@Brandon H OCD will do that to you, just tries to ruin any little good thing in your life. Are you currently seeing a therapist at all?

@Evelyn4416 Yes, once every 2 weeks.

@Brandon H That’s good to hear! I had started seeing a mental health counselor back in December for the first time for a couple weeks then recently switched to an OCD specialist a couple weeks ago. I hope you’re able to find peace and healing in your mental health journey. We’re in this all together and will overcome ?