- Username
- Brandon H
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I have dealt with harm ocd myself. Suicide being the big one. Please take it easy on yourself. I know how difficult that can be ?
Yeah, that isn't the most easiest thing in the world. To be kind to yourself. Thank you for empathizing to me.
I have the same thoughts when it comes to the future. I’ll think about something and then go “well I hope I’m around for that”. I have been seeing an OCD therapist for a few weeks now and it seems to be something that will help. Once I kind of get out of a theme, a new one pops up. My therapist said that’s normal and actually a good sign. But it sucks. I just want to be to the point where this doesn’t have such an affect on my every day life.
That’s interesting that having the topic jump to a different one means it’s a good sign. My topic has stayed consistently the same until last week, around the time I just started with my OCD therapist, that it for the first time starting jumping to new topics ?
@Evelyn4416 My therapist said your ocd will try to throw new things at you once you start working against it. He said it’s like an ex boyfriend who realizes you’re moving on so then they show up and bash your car windows out with a baseball bat.
@ejh Haha that’s a great analogy! Well if that’s the case I’m ready to fight back ?
@Evelyn4416 You and me both!
I’ve even had weird ones about humans having organs and brains and stuff. To the point where I would get nervous and uncomfortable around people. You just have to recognize these are OCD thoughts and not you.
Absolutely. It’s an everyday struggle but it can be done. I have to tell myself that all the time. Especially in times like now when we are shut in our houses with nothing but time to think.
If you wanna, I'm here for you. Don't worry, you'll have an amazing life
I also have been dealing with suicidal OCD, it’s been going on straight for almost 5 months now. It’s definitely a topic that scares people but I try and reassure others that it’s not me actually wanting to die, it’s the OCD placing these intrusive thoughts, feelings, and urges. I also completely relate to it being so constant and torturous. It really tries to create doubt and fear, plus the anxiety is just all consuming at times. It makes me less lonely to know others also deal with the same thing. I hope both of us are able to work on this and move past this truly awful theme.
Yes, I agree with every word you have said. I have been dealing with this for 5 years. It was triggered after the the tragic suicide of my stepdad.
@Brandon H Im so sorry. I can’t even begin to fathom how that horrible that must have been for you and your family. Mine began out of nowhere it seems, in the middle of a bad anxiety episode. It really tries to eat at you and get you from so many angles, whether it be fears of developing depression and wanting to do it, fears of losing control and doing it, even thoughts presenting themselves at direct commands which is so scary. I have to keep reassuring myself, no matter how I feel, that it’s not be feeling this and it’s just the OCD.
Yeah. The thing about it, is that you don't just fear this way of death, but my mind convinces me that this how you will die. So, it is kinda like knowing how you're gonna die, but you're not actually going to. It is just the fear of not having any choice or control.
Wow yes! There have been so many times where I try to make plans for future events or things I’d like to do later on and my mind tries to make me feel...idk the exact word, maybe guilty?...to make these plans because the thoughts say “well you’re not gonna be around for that”, so trying to make me feel like I have no choices. Also agree with the mind saying this is how you will die. I was on vacation around the time it started and I struggled so hard each day until I came back home. I remember breaking down and sobbing in front of my dad because I was so afraid that I was going to die on that trip. Same thing over Christmas, went through an especially rough patch and I was terrified I wouldn’t make it through Christmas, like I was scared I’d give up or lose control or something.
@Evelyn4416 That is exactly what I go through. I am only 19, and my mom always talks about me having a wife and kids, but my OCD destroys any hope of that for me.
@Brandon H OCD will do that to you, just tries to ruin any little good thing in your life. Are you currently seeing a therapist at all?
@Evelyn4416 Yes, once every 2 weeks.
@Brandon H That’s good to hear! I had started seeing a mental health counselor back in December for the first time for a couple weeks then recently switched to an OCD specialist a couple weeks ago. I hope you’re able to find peace and healing in your mental health journey. We’re in this all together and will overcome ?
That is good! Yes, we will overcome!
Yeah, I know what you mean. It is kinda hard not to have the intrusive thoughts, which causes anxiety and distress.
That is really the ultimate goal. To recapture control.
Exactly.
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
TW rant: suicidal OCD So this has been my major theme for the past year since my onset started. For clarification: I just have suicidal OCD, I’m not actually suicidal Incase there’s confusion about that. Anyways, I am so SICK of hearing about the topic of suicide which seems to be everywhere. You hear a story on the news that some celebrity did it, or other stories that people they knew did it or they themselves attempted it. You hear that people with mental illnesses or those who went through trauma or just being a middle aged white man have higher risks of suicide. On my explore page on Instagram, thanks to the OCD support pages I follow, I get suggested posts about other mental health related things and there’s usually posts about “signs of suicidal people” or whatnot. I’m soooo sick of it. Having suicidal OCD has been extremely hard and scary to have. It seems like anything is a trigger and the unwanted thoughts of it keep popping up (as OCD normally does). A lot of the time it’s aimed toward myself, but a big chunk of it is aimed toward my loved ones, like what if they decided to commit suicide? If I haven’t seen a family member in a little while (they’re chilling in their room or whatever) I get scared they might have killed themselves so I feel the compulsion to check on them, ask if they’re okay and happy etc. But it’s mostly at myself and I hate it so much. I think overall, whether this attack is aimed toward myself or others, it just absolutely terrifies me that anyone could just decided to do it and then just do it? It’s not like fearing a murderer coming to your house or an outside threat, but you’re the threat! And you can’t seem to protect your loved ones from it! I get these fears that I’ll become depressed (I’m not depressed) and eventually desire it or that I’ll spiral from fear and pain and eventually desire it, or that it’ll be like the movie Bird Box where the people in it (after seeing the monster) seemed to go on autopilot and killed themselves. I can’t even see words like “committed” or “attempted” without having my stomach jump. I struggle to get things out of my closet since having an open closet is even a trigger for fear. I just wish suicide never existed, I wish it wasn’t a thing, I wish I’d never think about it, I wish i could move on from this intense fear. (Disclaimer: I’m doing ERP for this and compared to before have been progress, but on my spike days it’s just so frustrating) Thanks for listening 😩
Hey everyone. I have been struggling with this theme this week. I had a panic attack at the beginning of the week and I got hit with a bunch of suicide intrusive thoughts. That is the last thing on earth I want to do and it hurts me because my mind makes me believe I want to. I get in a really sad dark alone place and sometimes I think about it but also I feel like it is intrusive because I have told myself no matter how bad it gets, no matter how shitty it feels I will not do anything to take my own life. It brings me so much sadness and guilt when I think about those kinds of things. It’s been hard because I have been trying to mindfully redirect and stay in the present moment but the thoughts come back and it makes it so hard to move on or when I’m in a happy moment that feels good my intrusive thoughts just come flooding back. I have tried to accept that those thoughts are there and I need to do things towards my goals and values but it’s been so difficult to accept this feeling and notice those thoughts when they are so against everything I love and it’s so hard when it’s one of my biggest fears. I cry and cry because I’m just so scared of those thoughts and it makes me think I actually want to do it. Anyway has anyone else experienced this? I feel so guilty and sometimes get thoughts that this feeling will never go away even thought I know for a fact I can get past it. Any advice? Or does anyone relate?
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