- Username
- Brandon H
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I have dealt with harm ocd myself. Suicide being the big one. Please take it easy on yourself. I know how difficult that can be ?
Yeah, that isn't the most easiest thing in the world. To be kind to yourself. Thank you for empathizing to me.
I have the same thoughts when it comes to the future. I’ll think about something and then go “well I hope I’m around for that”. I have been seeing an OCD therapist for a few weeks now and it seems to be something that will help. Once I kind of get out of a theme, a new one pops up. My therapist said that’s normal and actually a good sign. But it sucks. I just want to be to the point where this doesn’t have such an affect on my every day life.
That’s interesting that having the topic jump to a different one means it’s a good sign. My topic has stayed consistently the same until last week, around the time I just started with my OCD therapist, that it for the first time starting jumping to new topics ?
@Evelyn4416 My therapist said your ocd will try to throw new things at you once you start working against it. He said it’s like an ex boyfriend who realizes you’re moving on so then they show up and bash your car windows out with a baseball bat.
@ejh Haha that’s a great analogy! Well if that’s the case I’m ready to fight back ?
@Evelyn4416 You and me both!
I’ve even had weird ones about humans having organs and brains and stuff. To the point where I would get nervous and uncomfortable around people. You just have to recognize these are OCD thoughts and not you.
Absolutely. It’s an everyday struggle but it can be done. I have to tell myself that all the time. Especially in times like now when we are shut in our houses with nothing but time to think.
If you wanna, I'm here for you. Don't worry, you'll have an amazing life
I also have been dealing with suicidal OCD, it’s been going on straight for almost 5 months now. It’s definitely a topic that scares people but I try and reassure others that it’s not me actually wanting to die, it’s the OCD placing these intrusive thoughts, feelings, and urges. I also completely relate to it being so constant and torturous. It really tries to create doubt and fear, plus the anxiety is just all consuming at times. It makes me less lonely to know others also deal with the same thing. I hope both of us are able to work on this and move past this truly awful theme.
Yes, I agree with every word you have said. I have been dealing with this for 5 years. It was triggered after the the tragic suicide of my stepdad.
@Brandon H Im so sorry. I can’t even begin to fathom how that horrible that must have been for you and your family. Mine began out of nowhere it seems, in the middle of a bad anxiety episode. It really tries to eat at you and get you from so many angles, whether it be fears of developing depression and wanting to do it, fears of losing control and doing it, even thoughts presenting themselves at direct commands which is so scary. I have to keep reassuring myself, no matter how I feel, that it’s not be feeling this and it’s just the OCD.
Yeah. The thing about it, is that you don't just fear this way of death, but my mind convinces me that this how you will die. So, it is kinda like knowing how you're gonna die, but you're not actually going to. It is just the fear of not having any choice or control.
Wow yes! There have been so many times where I try to make plans for future events or things I’d like to do later on and my mind tries to make me feel...idk the exact word, maybe guilty?...to make these plans because the thoughts say “well you’re not gonna be around for that”, so trying to make me feel like I have no choices. Also agree with the mind saying this is how you will die. I was on vacation around the time it started and I struggled so hard each day until I came back home. I remember breaking down and sobbing in front of my dad because I was so afraid that I was going to die on that trip. Same thing over Christmas, went through an especially rough patch and I was terrified I wouldn’t make it through Christmas, like I was scared I’d give up or lose control or something.
@Evelyn4416 That is exactly what I go through. I am only 19, and my mom always talks about me having a wife and kids, but my OCD destroys any hope of that for me.
@Brandon H OCD will do that to you, just tries to ruin any little good thing in your life. Are you currently seeing a therapist at all?
@Evelyn4416 Yes, once every 2 weeks.
@Brandon H That’s good to hear! I had started seeing a mental health counselor back in December for the first time for a couple weeks then recently switched to an OCD specialist a couple weeks ago. I hope you’re able to find peace and healing in your mental health journey. We’re in this all together and will overcome ?
That is good! Yes, we will overcome!
Yeah, I know what you mean. It is kinda hard not to have the intrusive thoughts, which causes anxiety and distress.
That is really the ultimate goal. To recapture control.
Exactly.
It’s ridiculous how much people discussing HOCD bothers me. I know it’s a form of OCD, which I understand is out of the person’s control. I know mental illness is not a choice. I have OCD, so I get it. I get invasive thoughts about being hetero, so it makes sense that it works the other way too. I know the people who have HOCD aren’t necessarily homophobic. It does kind of make me feel like my sexuality is a worst case scenario, though. I can’t help but think “people are as afraid of being like me, as I am of heart attacks”. Idk. It just almost feels like people are saying “oh no what if I’m gay” “don’t worry, you’re straight. You’re okay because you’re straight” (which I know isn’t the case). It could just be because of the lack of positivity I’ve seen surrounding the queer community lately, though. I’m not trying to call out or invalidate people with HOCD though, I know it’s something that they don’t enjoy, and it’s something they suffer with just as much as I suffer with my OCD. Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest
A little clarification on my (and many others’) experience with HOCD. Yes, “I don’t care what my sexuality is, I just wanna know for sure” makes the case for HOCD stronger and more ‘qualified’ sounding- however that is not the only HOCD can manifest. Saying that, can trigger some HOCD sufferers who are simply weary of identifying as lgbtq (an understandable fear). Do NOT get me wrong however. I would do ANYTHING for my friends who are bi and gay. I love them SO dearly and will fight for them for forever. Lgbtq folk who struggle with their identities, and not being loved by the people who are supposed to love them no matter what- INSPIRE me with their resilience. Their strength. Their confidence to live out who they are to the fullest extent. I watched the movie Love, Simon and cried like a baby, and am incredibly excited that Pete Buttigieg is the USA’s first openly gay presidential candidate. However this does not discount the struggles that many lgbtq people face. So many are not accepted by their families, have extremely difficult life transitions, and agonize over coming out. These are not things that people willingly want to go through. Is is completely unreasonable for someone suffering with HOCD to also fear these things? As an example (I’m black)- there is a difference in saying that you wouldn’t want to be black because you believe we are less than, versus saying that you wouldn’t want to struggle with the same things that we do. Just because you understand the trials and tribulations that black people go through in this country and would not want that for yourself, does NOT mean you are racist. It simply means you understand that there is pain. And no human willingly wants pain. Although these are exact things lgbtq people have to deal with (making HOCD distinctly different from most other pure o themes because it becomes impossible to differentiate us from people actually struggling with their identity) it shouldn’t be ignored that HOCD sufferers fear them too! Why wouldn’t we? This is such a deep rooted issue for sufferers because, where you could say someone who is suffering with POCD would never hurt a child simply because their thoughts horrify them (and a real pedophile wouldn’t be scared of their thoughts) you can’t say the same for HOCD. For some of us HOCD people who have these specific fears, it’s even more difficult to trust that what we have is ocd and it’s even more difficult to explain to someone else that what we have is ocd. I’ve had different themes of OCD throughout my life and the obsessive and compulsive behaviors have been the same, but this one makes me feel like I don’t even get to qualify. What a mind-fuck for us, huh? Also understand, this definitely isn’t my only fear. I have been attracted to, day-dreamed about, and desperately wanted to be with one gender my entire life. Having a husband was something I’ve wanted for so very long. It IS a part of who I am and what I want. It’s distressing to think this could all be lost one day. To have these ‘dreams’ stolen by obsessive thoughts, and be made to believe that it was all a lie- is just as hard to deal with as any other form of ocd. When I envision the life that ocd is telling me I “actually” want- I’m filled with sadness. How do any of the rest of you deal with your ocd telling you that you want (or want to do) something- that you actually don’t? I know this can be controversial, and truly truly hope I do not offend anyone- lgbtq friends, I truly do love you. I just want everyone to know that what we can struggle with within each theme, can be very different- but none are any less important or qualified than the others. If you truly disagree and want to share, please be kind. I am just as fragile as a lot of us on here. I’m suffering too.
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
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